Regina, I should have asked for a character and scene set up so I have a base to go off of. So keep in mind this is a blind edit. I'd have a lot more to say if I knew who what when where and why. We'll dive into all of that during class, don't you worry!

Charlie wheeled around on one heel,

---Cliche alert! When describing action it is a smoother and more clear read if you leave the cliche's on the cutting room floor. (see what I did there....cliche!)

----Hard to see someone spinning on one heel with enough power to knock someone down. Usually an attacker has to be grounded to make the most impact.

putting his weight behind his arm as he backhanded me

----ooops! simultaneity is a no no. Show the action as it's happening, one event after another. No as, while, etc.

hard enough to knock me sideways.

----you say hard enough TO knock me sideways, but you don't actually show or tell us what happened.

----Knock me sideways is also cliche.

----Where does he/she land? What is their reaction? Need a reaction before the next thought. Something to show the pain, surprise, etc.

Even when I thought I remembered every last detail about what hurt felt like, turns out I could still be surprised.

---This is a great line! Shows voice and attitude.

He started to walk away, expecting me to stay down.

I let him wander while I caught my breath and felt the rage come up over me.

----A few too many things happening here. Vague action, Simultaneity, and vague emotional direction

---Where is he wandering? I see that word and I'm wondering why he is walking away without a purpose. Think about what this word choice shows us. Wandering.

----Nix the simultaneity.

----I felt the rage come up over me. You are telling here and using a filter word, "felt." I 'd rather you use active language and show her experiencing those feelings. Come up over me is too general for my taste. I think it is more interesting to know what body part(s) are being affected.

That rage was so sweet the blood pooling in my mouth tasted like syrup.

---LOVE THIS LINE!

Racing,

----Knowing where he/she is coming from after being knocked sideways, will help figure out what happens next. How is he/she suddenly racing after such a big blow?

I didn’t make a sound ‘til I was breathing in his stink,

----Nice!!

launching myself at his back, howling now like a beast, and chomping down hard.

----I see you are going for a stylistic approach with this line. I like where you are going with it. I think it could be a little more detailed and still have this type of movement.

If my mouth hadn’t been so full of ear I might have laughed when he screamed.

---swap the order of things here and show him scream before showing her reaction.

As he fell I rolled off, jumped up and kicked him square between the eyes.

---Nix the simultaneity.

---like the simple action. Always effective.

Turns out he could be surprised, too.

----LOL, I like the wit in your scene. Obviously if this wasn't a blind edit, I'd be digging in a little deeper to your character (and pushing for a touch of setting) but I think you show quite a bit with your voice already.

I can't wait to dive further into your scenes when we are in class! Thank you so much for participating.

Thanks for your edit! I am not think skinned (anymore) so your word are welcome. Some parts you mentioned were because of setting elements that i deleted to get to 150 words, but I can see how to tweak them. I will have to look up some of your older blogs to see what i missed. Thanks again!

Great stuff here, Tiffany! Thanks so much for taking the time to look at this scene and comment. You've given me lots to think about.

Thank you! These edits are really helpful 🙂

Tiffany, I barely have time to read any of this, but what I HAVE read is wonderful. You're so good at this 😀 You're an excellent teacher/editor! 😀

The knife took shape, the sheath hot in his fingers, the blade sharpened by his razor edged thoughts.

-------OK, is this real? The knife really materialized from this thoughts? I can't tell if it is really happening. Obviously if things like this materialize out of thoughts in your novel then the reader won't have issue with it. I'm just making sure.

Tempered by rage, it was a lethal weapon strong enough to kill a god.

----------Strong line. It is a wee bit too wordy, though. Saying it is lethal and that it is strong enough to kill a god are redundant. Nix the word lethal and the line has more power.

He even inscribed Kamapua’a's name on the hilt.

----------"he even" feels to chatty during a slice of action. How can you add in this detail actively?

As the boar leapt at him,

-----Ooops, simultaneity in action is a "no no" in my book. This slows the action because the reader is forced to visualize too many actions at the same time. We read linearly and therefore need actions to fall the same way on the page. To top it off, seeing things happen after one an other heightens pace.

he lunged in the air to greet it,

----. Nice movement.

his knife-hand cocked and his arm wound back so tight his fist would join the blade he’d embed in Kamapua’a's flesh.

-------To me this is confusing, because the arm being wound back tightly doesn't mean his fist joins the blade.

--------What would show this visual is if his hand was clenched tight enough that his fist joined the blade. Make sense? And if written like that - phew, it's a great visual!

He relished the image and imagined the shriek of agony he’d soon hear coming from his enemy.

-------- oooh I love the word relished. We don't see it enough! LOL

---------Hmmmm...so he's in mid-air and we are taking time to imagine the shriek of agony we haven't heard yet. I'd rather you save that for when we are actively hearing the animal being wounded. Its good stuff, don't waste it on your character's imagination.

-------Because you are using the before moment as a slo-mo-moment, what else is going on that would be interesting to look at? Perhaps the beast itself? Or....

The distance shortened between them,

--------- Perfect spot for direct-no-frill movement

and Keoki pedaled his legs in the air to propel him forward.

---------This seemed too cartoonish for me.

He smelled the beast’s musk and foul breath.

------YES! Bring us close enough to smell the beast. Is there anyway to show how fowl the stench is? I know I know, I am asking you to show a smell. But it can be done!

Its tusks gleamed and saliva flew from its gaping maw as it roared.

----------- LOVE the word use here! Gaping maw. NICE!

----------Oops. backwards stimulation response in the sneaky evil form of simultaneity! Even though you are telling us it happens at the same time, we read linearly this reads as if the saliva flew out of it's mouth before it roars. Need to see the roar first

Only inches away now. Keoki’s knife sliced through the air.

---------Eh, this action is nice, but I've seen it before. How else can you show that the knife is now in motion?

---------WHAT?!?! We don't even get to see the actual stabbing? LOL, I'm sure it is because I said 150 words for these scenes, but I still feel cheated with that big of a build up. I guess I'll have to read it when it's pubbed.

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Very interesting technique to slow time like that before such a meaningful event. You could add in active setting and slow it more if you wanted to.

I hope to see more next month. If you are this detailed with action before the actual fight, I can't wait to see the fight!

Thank you for allowing me to edit on-the-fly. Let me know if you have any questions. Stay tuned in to the Comments section and read the rest of the fight scene edits today. I promise, you will learn from each one.