Creating Wow Power in Your First Paragraph!
by Margie Lawson
You’ve probably rewritten your first sentence and first paragraph more times than any other lines in your WIP. And still, it’s possible they could carry more emotion. It’s possible they could carry more power.
Which is why you’re here!
I’ll share plenty of ideas in this blog, but no way one blog could cover everything about adding power to first paragraphs. Consider this a broad-brush approach with a brush that gets dipped in some incredibly cool colors.
If you’re familiar with anything I teach, you know I’m all about editing. Deep editing. Psychologically-based deep editing.
And you’d know I teach writers how to add emotion and power. Which are definitely needed in your opening paragraphs.
A potential reader, agent, or editor may only read a couple of paragraphs. If they love it, they’ll keep reading. If they’re not intrigued or hooked or wowed, they’ll click over to check out another book on Amazon or put your book back on a shelf.
How do you check to see if what you wrote is strong? Use my Deep Edit Analysis Checklist!
Deep Edit Analysis Checklist
- Hints about Your Story Promise—What your story is about. Including your story promise in your first paragraph or two can carry amazing emotional power. But if you have a beautifully written opening that doesn’t include your story promise, I may still love it. But you might want to try working it in and see if it brings power.
- Power Words—Words and phrases that carry a psychological message.
- Fresh Writing—Avoid overused phrases. Give readers phrases they haven’t read before.
- Compelling Cadence—Read your work out loud. Check if sentences are cadence-driven.
- Rhetorical Devices—List them. If you need more info about rhetorical devices, you may want to consider my lecture packet on Deep Editing, Rhetorical Devices, and More!
- Humor Hits—If you want to be known for writing humor, check to see if you have humor on every page.
- Clear Visuals—Share visuals and be sure the reader sees what you want them to see.
- Taps Emotion in the Reader—When you feel emotion, you know.
- Something Special—Anything else that adds emotion and power.
Use my Deep Edit Analysis Checklist. You’ll see what you’ve got on the page and what may be smart to add.
Now we’ll apply my checklist to some opening paragraphs.
I bolded power words and phrases.
The Patient, Steena Holmes, 4-Time Immersion Grad
How do I admit this? Disclose that I’ve held this secret out of fear? I think about the words I need to say, unsure that I can voice them. Admit my shame, my failures, my… suspicions.
Deep Edit Analysis Checklist
- Hints about your Story Promise—Yes.
- Power Words—Yes! Lots of them.
- Fresh Writing—Yes
- Compelling Cadence—Yes
- Rhetorical Devices—Yes
- Rhetorical Questions—Two
- Anaphora—… my shame, my failures, my… suspicions.
- Humor Hits—NA
- Clear Visuals—NA
- Taps Emotion in the Reader—Yes
- Something Special—
- The last sentence is a frag and it works well.
- The whole paragraph is ominous.
For Roger, Laura Drake, 3-Time Immersion Grad
Today, death rides a bicycle. My bicycle.
Leading the Saturday morning peleton, I pump my way up the hill, standing on the pedals, breathing hard. My legs are still working, still strong.
Deep Edit Analysis Checklist
- Hints about your Story Promise—Yes.
- Power Words—Yes.
- Fresh Writing—Yes.
- Compelling Cadence—Yes.
- Rhetorical Devices—Yes.
- Personification
- Humor Hits—NA
- Clear Visuals—Yes.
- Taps Emotion in the Reader—Yes.
- Something Special—Yes.
- The first two sentences are fresh. Powerful. Captivating. Memorable.
- Those first two sentences sell books.
The Last True Cowboy, Laura Drake, 3-Time Immersion Grad
Addiction sucks. I should know. Papaw has his White Lightning. Nana has her Bingo-jones. My addiction has sad green eyes and my name tattooed across his left peck.
But my wedding dress dreams always come in second to his rodeo. There’s even a term for it: Rodeo Widow. Except to earn that title, I’d have to be married.
Deep Edit Analysis Checklist
- Hints about your Story Promise—Yes.
- Power Words—Yes.
- Fresh Writing—Yes.
- Compelling Cadence—Yes.
- Rhetorical Devices—Yes.
- Structural Parallelism—Papaw has his White Lightning. Nana has her Bingo-jones.
- Humor Hits—Yes. Sarcastic humor.
- Clear Visuals—NA
- Taps Emotion in the Reader—Yes.
- Something Special—Yes.
- Laura Drake was strategic with style and structure. She added power by varying the length of sentences.
- Laura’s voice shines through!
- She used what I call a Switchback Line. There’s a surprise at the end of the last sentence.
A Hard Day for a Hangover, Darynda Jones, NYT Bestseller, 3-Time Immersion Grad
Normally, Sheriff Sunshine Vicram would’ve been alarmed at the sight of a knitting needle sticking out of a guy’s neck. At the very least, she would’ve been concerned for the horrified man’s well-being. Yet, there she stood. Unmoved. Unshaken. Unstirred. Much like the forgotten bottle of dirty martini mix in the back of her cabinet. At the tender age of early-thirty-something, Sun realized she had seen it all. The world held no more surprises. No more magic. It just was.
Deep Edit Analysis Checklist
- Hints about your Story Promise—Yes. She’s a sheriff who’s seen it all, nothing surprises her.
- Power Words—Yes.
- Fresh Writing—Yes—Unmoved. Unshaken. Unstirred.
- Compelling Cadence—Yes.
- Rhetorical Devices
- Alliteration — Unmoved. Unshaken. Unstirred.
- Humor Hits—Yes.
- Clear Visuals—Yes.
- Taps Emotion in Reader—Yes.
- Something Special—Yes.
- Age Slip-in, always smart!
- Stylistic Boost with alliterative standalones: Unmoved. Unshaken. Unstirred.
Evil’s Avenging Angel, Jenn Windrow, 7-Time Immersion Grad
Vampires used to require the three Ps: planning, patience, and pointy weapons. But ever since Xavier, my dead-by-my-stake sire, tried to use an ancient vampire law to force me into unwanted wedded bliss, planning and impatience have been replaced with chaos and confusion. Like someone taped a “Kill Me” sign to my back and every supernatural creature wanted to take a whack at the Alexis-shaped piñata.
Deep Edit Analysis Checklist
- Hints about your Story Promise—Yes.
- Power Words—Yes.
- Fresh Writing—Yes.
- Compelling Cadence—Yes.
- Rhetorical Devices—Yes.
- Alliteration—planning, patience, pointy weapons, chaos, confusion
- Humor Hits—Yes.
- Clear Visuals—NA
- Taps Emotion in Readers—Yes.
- Something Special—Yes.
- Jenn Windrow’s voice shines through!
Denim, Diamonds, and Deep Six, Janet Leigh, 2-Time Immersion Grad
Being dead isn’t always easy, but it doesn’t give anyone the right to eat all the cheesy snacks. Not even my boyfriend, Caiyan McGregor, a sexy, rakish Scot, who’s presumed dead.
I’m Jennifer Cloud, a transporter for the World Travel Federation, WTF for short. I travel back in time to thwart bad guys from screwing up the past. OK, I don’t actually do the thwarting, but I bring them back to the present to serve time for their bad behavior.
Deep Edit Analysis Checklist
- A Hint about your Story Promise—Yes. So clear.
- Power Words—Yes.
- Fresh Writing— Yes.
- Compelling Cadence—Yes.
- Rhetorical Devices—No.
- Humor Hits—Several!
- Clear Visuals—NA
- Taps Emotion in the Reader—Probably not. But it draws the reader in and makes them laugh!
- Something Special—Yes.
- Janet Leigh’s fun voice comes through every line.
The Gossip Truth, Sandy Rhodes, 4-Time Immersion Grad
I wanted to cry, not had-a-bad-day cry, but my-life-was-a-freaking-mess cry. I sat on the third-floor balcony of The Grand, a timeshare nestled in the Rocky Mountains that was far far away from my home in the oil fields of Texas. Away from my four adulting kids. Away from my night shift charge nurse position in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Away from Luke, my husband of thirty-five years. I needed this writing retreat getaway I’d saved and planned for the last five years. But what I hadn’t planned on was my husband all but admitting last night that he was having an affair with his best friend’s wife.
Deep Edit Analysis Checklist
- Hints about your Story Promise—Yes.
- Power Words—Yes.
- Fresh Writing—Yes.
- Compelling Cadence—Yes.
- Rhetorical Devices—Yes.
- Epistrophe—Triple Endings, in the first sentence.
- Anaphora—Away from… Four times.
- Humor Hits—NA
- Clear Visuals—NA
- Taps Emotion in the Reader—Yes.
- Something Special— Yes.
- Anaphora shares four hits of backstory. Brilliant writing.
- Used fresh hyphenated-run-ons to give the reader a treat!
- Gives readers an Emotional Boom!
My Soul to Keep, Kennedy Ryan, Immersion Grad
Mama has been dying all day.
ALS is a stealthy thief. It stole Mama’s wide, crooked-tooth smile, and left her face a plane of twitches and jerks. That funny snap, snap she’d do with her fingers before she started making a fresh batch of biscuits? That saucy little pop and sway of her hips when she raced around the house on Sunday mornings, late for church? ALS snatched those long ago. Now Mama’s fingers lie limp at her sides on the bed sheets, the complete stillness startling and sad.
Deep Edit Analysis Checklist
- Hints about your Story Promise—Yes.
- Power Words—Yes.
- Fresh Writing— Yes.
- Compelling Cadence—Yes.
- Rhetorical Devices—Yes.
- Alliteration—batch, biscuits, lie limp, stillness, startling, sad
- Onomatopoeia—snap, snap
- Humor Hits—Yes.
- Clear Visuals—Yes.
- Taps Emotion in the Reader—Yes.
- Something Special—Yes.
Wrapping Up
I’m wowed by those openings and proud of my Immersion class grads.
I hope you use my deep edit analysis checklist. Circle your power words. Look for rhetorical devices. Boost your cadence. Figure out ways to be strategic with style and structure.
You know you need to hook your reader in those first couple of paragraphs. Make sure they carry wow power!
Please chime in. Give me your best first paragraphs. I’d love to read them!
I’ll have a drawing Thursday night, and someone will win a FIVE PAGE DEEP EDIT from me!
You want to win that goodie, right? Just post a comment and you’re in the drawing!
* * * * * *
Interested in learning lots more ways to add emotional power to your openings?
Want me to deep edit the opening of your book as well as several chapter openings?
I’m teaching an online course this month on openings: A Deep Editing Guide to Make Your Openings Pop! Check it out!
About Margie
Margie Lawson left a career in psychology to focus on another passion—helping writers make their writing bestseller strong. Using a psychologically based deep-editing approach, she teaches writers how to bring emotion to the page. Emotion equals power. Power grabs readers and holds onto them until the end. Hundreds of Margie grads have gone on to win awards, find agents, sign with publishers, and hit bestseller lists.
A popular international presenter, Margie’s taught over 180 full day master classes in the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and France. She’s also taught over 200
5-day intensive Immersion Master Classes across the U.S. and Canada, and in seven cities in Australia too.
She founded Lawson Writer's Academy where you’ll find over 30 instructors teaching online courses through her website. And you’ll find lots of webinars on her website too. She developed 34 webinars that share her deep editing techniques and more! To sign up for Margie’s newsletter, visit www.margielawson.com.
Want to invite Margie to present for your writing group? She presents full day master classes and webinars too.
Margie's next: Get Happy Virtual Open House!
Tuesday, Feb. 20, 5:00—7:00 p.m. Mountain Time
Drop by the link on MargieLawson.com anytime in that 2-hour block.
We’ll be there chatting and laughing!
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57 comments on “Creating Wow Power in Your First Paragraph!”
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Squee! Thanks Margie for including two of mine (though I owe the For Roger 1st line to you!)
Here's the start of my current one:
You say Justice is blind. I am not.
I see right through the blindfold to the tangled webs you humans weave. I am the handmaiden of indisputable truth. You think you invented me, but I am older than time.
Hello Laura --
I remember coming up with the first line for FOR ROGER. We had so much fun working on your first chapter on the cruise ship!
I love the opening of your new WIP!
You say Justice is blind. I am not.
I see right through the blindfold to the tangled webs you humans weave. I am the handmaiden of indisputable truth. You think you invented me, but I am older than time.
WOW. WOW. WOWZEE!
I need to read that whole book right now. Write faster!
Here's the beginning of my just started wip, so it's going to need work :-).
“Are you sure you have the right person?” I asked as I continued to pack my suitcase, a suitcase that had seen much too much action over the past three months. Not in a good way. Good thing I’d pared down my belongings to fit into just a couple of bags.
“You are Allegra Livingstone, are you not?” The prim and proper voice grated against my nerves, reminding me much too much of my mother’s voice in reprimand mode. “You own Elegant Events, correct?”
Owned. Past tense.
Sharon,
I loved the "Owned. Past tense." That is excellent. A definite hook. 🙂
I wish you all the best as you journey through writing your WIP.
Hello Sylvie --
YOU WROTE:
Here's the beginning of my just started wip, so it's going to need work :-).
I hope you're okay if I share a few suggestions.
“Are you sure you have the right person?” I asked as I continued to pack my suitcase, a suitcase that had seen much too much action over the past three months. Not in a good way. Good thing I’d pared down my belongings to fit into just a couple of bags.
“You are Allegra Livingstone, are you not?” The prim and proper voice grated against my nerves, reminding me much too much of my mother’s voice in reprimand mode. “You own Elegant Events, correct?”
Owned. Past tense.
I like almost all of it! But you could slip in some smart info in your first paragraph. I'll add some notes to it.
“Are you sure you have the right person?” I asked WHO? as I continued to pack my suitcase FOR MY TRIP TO ____________. A suitcase that had seen much too much action over the past three months. Not in a HAVING FUN way. Good thing I’d pared down my belongings to fit into just a couple of bags.
Sylvie -- Just some ideas. Take them or toss them!
Your second paragraph made me smile. Great dialogue cue and I like how you slipped in a hit of backstory.
My only tweak would be to change THE to HER. HER prim and proper voice...
Thanks so much for posting!
Sylvie --
Aack! I hit Post Comment too soon!
I forgot to share how you wowed me with that last line.
Owned. Past tense.
Such a fun way to share that she no longer owned Elegant Events.
Kudos to you!
Thanks, Margie. Your comments are always helpful. I really like the checklist tool.
Great info! I'll use your checklist on my latest attempt to write compelling fiction.
Hello Sharon --
Thank you! Glad you'll use my checklist!
Hope to see you online again.
WOW - and a great tool to boot" Your checklist is quite appropriate and well plotted. I look forward to applying it. Usually I crave more instruction when I read about the craft of writing, but I think your demonstration using a wide variety of examples and the application of your checklist to each worked rather... Wow!
As a newbie, I need help. Here are the first two paragraphs of my first attempt at novel writing:
When I first came to America, I didn’t have any sheep. I still don’t, so I herded cars. But metal beasts aren’t very herd-able. My interest in them waned, then passed without notice, almost. Kate noticed and led me to greener pastures.
Call me ‘Jillie’. The International Sheep Dog Society named me ‘Jill’, but Kate prefers ‘Jillie’, and I prefer Kate. We’re best friends … now. As a pup, I caused a few power struggles, but I blame that on my pick-of-the-litter attitude, spirited will, and stubborn independence. I figure Kate has some of the same traits, which is why we get along so well. Plus, I was an irresistibly adorable ball of fluff as a pup, and am not too shabby as a full-grown bitch—that’s the proper term for a female dog, in case you were wondering. My smooth jet black coat patterned with a bright white blaze and paw points is rather fetching, I admit. Just to be clear, border collies are bred to be arrogant, otherwise what bumptious sheep would respect us?
Hi Jennifer,
A border collie as a protagonist. That, in itself, is a WOW for me. 🙂
Hi Christine - Thank you so much for the vote of confidence - border collies rock!
Hello Jennifer --
Thank you for your kind words!
I always load everything I do in my teaching world with a variety of examples and teaching points. My blogs and online courses as well as Powerpoints and handouts for and my webinars and master classes.
Your opening is so fun! From the POV of a Border Collie!
I played with your opening, just a bit.
I nixed -- in case you were wondering.
I nixed -- patterned.
And I turned your second paragraph into three paragraphs.
White space is your BFF. I recommend limiting paragraphs to six or seven lines of text. Anything longer, and it's an invitation to skim.
Your opening is cute and enticing and I bet it would captivate readers.
You said you're a new writer. I hope you check out my online courses and lecture packets!
Thanks for posting!
When I first came to America, I didn’t have any sheep. I still don’t, so I herded cars. But metal beasts aren’t very herd-able. My interest in them waned, then passed without notice, almost. Kate noticed and led me to greener pastures.
Call me ‘Jillie’. The International Sheep Dog Society named me ‘Jill’, but Kate prefers ‘Jillie’, and I prefer Kate. We’re best friends … now. As a pup, I caused a few power struggles, but I blame that on my pick-of-the-litter attitude, spirited will, and stubborn independence.
I figure Kate has some of the same traits, which is why we get along so well. Plus, I was an irresistibly adorable ball of fluff as a pup, and am not too shabby as a full-grown bitch. In case you were wondering, that’s the proper term for a female dog.
My smooth jet black coat with a bright white blaze and paw points is rather fetching, I admit. Just to be clear, border collies are bred to be arrogant, otherwise what bumptious sheep would respect us?
Margie,
I am so pleased withyou taking time to comment on all of our works> Very gracious, indeed. Your comments were significantly helpful as they addressed my own concerns about white space. I look forward to engaging in more of your teachings. Thank you so much!
Jennifer
Jennifer, Hello Again!
Thanks for letting me know my comments were helpful.
I'm looking forward to seeing you online again!
Margie,
I am so pleased withyou taking time to comment on all of our works> Very gracious, indeed. Your comments were significantly helpful as they addressed my own concerns about white space. I look forward to engaging in more of your teachings. Thank you so much!
Jennifer
Hi Margie -- Great to see you here, as always. And such wonderful examples! Sigh --- off I go to revise that dang first paragraph for the hundredth time. 🙂
Hello Rebecca!
Fabulous to see you here! It seems like years since your Immersion class last April.
Have fun adding some deep edit power to your opening!
Love your checklist Margie! Here's mine:
Our mother lived in Rockford now, but her deft fingers still manipulated the strings she’d tied to my sister and me at birth. Marianne dutifully performed. I’d learned to carry scissors. Lately though, my … situation had dulled the blades.
At my sister’s kitchen table, I clamped my mouth shut and flipped to another page of the Chicago Tribune.
“Charlotte, dear, I know you heard me. Mother and I are worried about you.” Marianne topped off her coffee and plunked the blue speckled pot on the stove without offering my brother-in-law or me a refill. “It’ll do you good to tell me how you’re coming to terms with what happened.”
Hello DL Willette --
I don't believe we've met. Thanks for chiming in!
Your opening hooked me with your clever writing. Loved it!
I'm taking liberties and sharing some deep edits for your opening.
I CAPPED words that I changed or added. And I CAPPED my questions too.
Our mother LIVES in Rockford now, but her SKILLFUL fingers still manipulated the strings she’d tied to my sister and me at birth. Marianne dutifully performed HOW?. I’d learned to carry scissors. Lately though, my NIXED ELLIPSES situation had dulled the blades.
I SAT At my sister’s kitchen table, NIXED I AND ADDED COMMA clamped my mouth shut, ADDED COMMA and flipped to another page of the Chicago Tribune.
“Charlotte, dear, I know you heard me. Mother and I are worried about you.” Marianne topped off her coffee and plunked the blue speckled pot on the stove without offering my brother-in-law or me a refill. “It’ll do you good to tell me how you’re coming to terms with what happened.”
DL -- Interesting!
But you're missing Marianne's subtext. I recommend writing the way she said that dialogue -- what I call dialogue cues. You could share the tone, inflection, pitch, quality, volume, or rate of speech. Of course, you'd write it in a fresh way.
Feeling challenged? Check out my lecture packet on Writing Body Language and Dialogue Cues Like a Psychologist. You'll find my lecture packets on my website -- https://www.margielawson.com/lecture-packets/
Thanks for posting your opening! I hope to see you online again.
Thanks so much Margie. Great suggestions to use as I revise!
I love this!
Thanks so much Winona! You gave me a boost for sure.
This is so good! I love the checklist and examples. Thank you! I'm going to use this for my books. You're a gem.
Here's mine...
Her hard-fought dream was about to come true, or so she hoped. In eight brutal days, Rylee Doyle could become the next Miss American Rodeo Queen.
Hello Carmen --
I love meeting new-to-me writers!
But I noticed on your website that you're a member of ACFW. Yay! I presented the 6-hour workshop that kicked off ACFW's national conference for two years in a row. Maybe we have met!
YOU WROTE:
This is so good! I love the checklist and examples. Thank you! I'm going to use this for my books. You're a gem.
Thank you!
YOUR OPENING: Her hard-fought dream was about to come true, or so she hoped. In eight brutal days, Rylee Doyle could become the next Miss American Rodeo Queen.
I love your opening paragraph. Hard-fought and eight brutal days grabbed me!
And I want to share an idea with you. I'm wondering if it could use some tension in the form of a raise-the-stakes surprise at the end.
It could pull double duty by sharing more about your story promise too.
I don't know anything more about your story. But the two words I add to kick off a last sentence could give your creativity a happy nudge.
Her hard-fought dream was about to come true, or so she hoped. In eight brutal days, Rylee Doyle could become the next Miss American Rodeo Queen. If only _______________________.
CARMEN -- That may not work for you at all. Just an idea.
Thanks so much for sharing your talent!
This is a great tool, Margie. I'm going to run all my openers through this checklist now. In the meantime, here's a first look at one of my current WIPs. I'm spinning off one of the more popular characters from my James McCarthy books into his own series.
Deputy Nestor Yazzi checked his gun before sliding it into his holster. He grabbed his hat off the table at the end of the hall and made his way to the front door. Unlocking the deadbolt and tried to work the door open without making a sound. The old hinges let out a groan that grew into a high-pitched squeal before he managed to get the door cracked enough to slip out undetected.
“Hold on there, mister,” a voice commanded from the kitchen. “You’re not going anywhere yet.”
Thanks for giving us an opportunity to share and learn.
Oops...first draft, so I see a couple of mistakes I should have cleaned up before posting it. Oh well, the first shot is never perfect...
Hello Eldred --
YOU WROTE: This is a great tool, Margie. I'm going to run all my openers through this checklist now.
Thank you. I'm glad you'll use that checklist. My courses and lecture packets are full of handy-dandy make-your-writing-stronger checklists!
YOU WROTE: In the meantime, here's a first look at one of my current WIPs. I'm spinning off one of the more popular characters from my James McCarthy books into his own series.
ELDRED -- Interesting opening!
I hope you're good with me sharing a few ideas.
I'll paste my deep edited ideas version below yours.
Deputy Nestor Yazzi checked his gun before sliding it into his holster. He grabbed his hat off the table at the end of the hall and made his way to the front door. Unlocking the deadbolt and tried to work the door open without making a sound. The old hinges let out a groan that grew into a high-pitched squeal before he managed to get the door cracked enough to slip out undetected.
“Hold on there, mister,” a voice commanded from the kitchen. “You’re not going anywhere yet.”
ELDRED -- I'M GOING IN!
YOU USED THE WORD -- BEFORE -- TWICE. It's what I call a sequencing word. And it's not your strongest choice. I'd nix BEFORE and add an AND.
I nixed -- at the end of the hall.
Deputy Nestor Yazzi checked his gun (before sliding) AND SLID it into his holster. He grabbed his hat off the table ADDED COMMA (and) made his way to the front door, . NIXED PERIOD, ADDED COMMA (Unlocking) ADDED AND AND UNLOCKED the deadbolt. END SENTENCE -- NIX NEXT AND and ADDED HE -- HE tried to work the door open without making a sound. ADDED BUT -- BUT The old hinges let out a groan that grew into a high-pitched squeal before he managed to get the door NIX CRACKED cracked ADD OPEN WIDE enough to slip out undetected.
HERE'S A CLEANED UP VERSION OF THAT PARAGRAPH:
Deputy Nestor Yazzi checked his gun AND SLID it into his holster. He grabbed his hat off the table, made his way to the front door, AND UNLOCKED the deadbolt. HE tried to work the door open without making a sound. BUT The old hinges let out a groan that grew into a high-pitched squeal before he managed to get the door OPEN WIDE enough to slip out undetected.
“Hold on there, mister,” a MAN'S voice NOTE -- THIS COULD BE STRONGER: commanded from the kitchen. “You’re not going anywhere yet.”
ELDRED -- You could write a fresh dialogue cue for that second paragraph.
Maybe something like what I wrote below. But keep in mind that it's after midnight here, and it may not sound so great to me in the morning. 🙂
I'll take the risk anyway.
“Hold on there, mister." A man's voice shot from the kitchen like his words were printed on a bullet. “You’re not going anywhere yet.”
ELDRED -- I like it, but it may not work for you. If you happen to like that sentence, it's yours.
You may know that I have a lecture packet on Writing Body Language and Dialogue Cues Like a Psychologist. If you didn't know before, you know about it now.
That's where I teach writers how to use my six categories of dialogue cues to share all critical subtext for dialogue -- and write dialogue cues in fresh ways.
YOU WROTE: Thanks for giving us an opportunity to share and learn.
ELDRED -- THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME PLAY AND TEACH!
Thanks for the input, Margie! You're changes helped to make things more active help the pacing.
Funny thing about the voice from the kitchen...it's Nestor's wife (she can be scarier than a man with a gun). Nestor has a habit of skipping breakfast when he catches a new case.
I hate when autocorrect changes the version of "your" for you because it thinks it knows better...
Great blog as always!
Here is the start of my newest...In the Forest of Eternal Darkness...
I might have been born to wear a crown, but I preferred to wield a blade. After all, who else was going to punish the dark fae a@@holes who hunted and killed the innocents unlucky enough to be found in the forest? Even though that meant I was committing an act of treason against the unseelie court. The same court I would one day rule.
Hi Jenn,
You hooked me with the title. The fae, the unseelie court, innocents in the forest, and treason just pulled me in deeper. 🙂
Hello Jenn --
Thank you!
Love your opening of your WIP -- In the Forest of Eternal Darkness
I might have been born to wear a crown, but I preferred to wield a blade. After all, who else was going to punish the dark fae a@@holes who hunted and killed the innocents unlucky enough to be found in the forest? Even though that meant I was committing an act of treason against the unseelie court. The same court I would one day rule.
IT'S SO POWERFUL!
I can't wait to read this book!
Great post. Thank you. Here is my latest, rewritten many times, opening:
Late at night, somewhere near Oskaloosa, Kansas, a woman hunkered down on a metal bench, shivering, hugging herself for warmth. She leaned back with eyes wide open, searching for answers in the stars. Fragments of memory, like colorful shards of kaleidoscope glass resembled an LSD trip from so long ago she could not claim it as her own. Where the hell am I and how did I get here?
Hello Lori --
Glad you liked my blog!
Your opening grabbed me! Clear visuals. And it's beautifully written.
Kudos to you!
Thanks for chiming in!
Late at night, somewhere near Oskaloosa, Kansas, a woman hunkered down on a metal bench, shivering, hugging herself for warmth. She leaned back with eyes wide open, searching for answers in the stars. Fragments of memory, like colorful shards of kaleidoscope glass resembled an LSD trip from so long ago she could not claim it as her own. Where the hell am I and how did I get here?
Margie,
Thank you for the checklist and examples. I sat with my opening in front of me as I read the checklist and looked at it again after reading the examples. It definitely could be improved, but I was delighted to find onomatopoeia in my first sentence (I'd forgotten it was there) and a couple instances (I think) of fresh writing. Here is the opening of my YA fantasy, Music of Dragons:
"Mahair Mor was nearly executed?" Siobhan let her spoon drop with a clunk into her bowl of hawthorn stew. “Why am I only just hearing about this?”
Across the oval dining table from her, Siobhan’s mother dismissed the question with a wave. “It happened a long time ago. Your aunt and I were only faerylings.”
“Meaning what, Maeda? You forgot the Council arrested your mother for treason or it’s just taken you sixteen ages to tell me about it? And why haven’t I heard about this in school? I would think the arrest of Queen Eithne’s daughter for an attempted coup would be hist—”
“The Faerie Council would prefer to erase that history.” Maeda brushed a strand of purple-black hair away from her forehead and took a sip of wine.
Best wishes and Happy Valentine's Day!
Hello Christine --
Your opening sentence carries big-time power!
I recommend adding subtext with a facial expression or dialogue cue. You'll up the emotion!
Thanks for posting!
"Mahair Mor was nearly executed?" Siobhan let her spoon drop with a clunk into her bowl of hawthorn stew. “Why am I only just hearing about this?”
Across the oval dining table from her, Siobhan’s mother dismissed the question with a wave. “It happened a long time ago. Your aunt and I were only faerylings.”
“Meaning what, Maeda? You forgot the Council arrested your mother for treason or it’s just taken you sixteen ages to tell me about it? And why haven’t I heard about this in school? I would think the arrest of Queen Eithne’s daughter for an attempted coup would be hist—”
“The Faerie Council would prefer to erase that history.” Maeda brushed a strand of purple-black hair away from her forehead and took a sip of wine.
Best wishes and Happy Valentine's Day!
Thank you, Margie, for taking time to read and comment on my opening. I will incorporate your suggestion, and it's great to hear that the first sentence has impact. 🙂
Fantastic post, love the examples! The most important statement you made was how readers, agents, or editors give the writer just a few paragraphs to decide if they'll continue reading or not. It's true!
If I had a first paragraph from my current psychological thriller written, I'd post it, but I'm still plotting the story. It's a book I'll be writing this year. So, instead...
From my published book, Grendel's Mother, a book that has value beyond measure on so many levels for me.
All journeys begin with a single step. I could say my journey began when I was made dead, a no-name ghost in the woods. Or when I first met the dragon when I was too young to be afraid. Or maybe my journey began when the pains started, soon after the last thread of light disappeared in a horizontal sliver crushed between dark ominous clouds fast filling the sky and the earthly boundaries of both my chains and comfort as deemed by the gods: the raw wilderness. Was it only less than a year ago that I was a naïve child, believing that the life ahead of me was mine to choose? So innocent. So lost in my own little world of supposed freedom. Self-centered as only a child knows at the time. What a difference a year makes.
Hello Diana -
Thank you. Glad you loved my examples. Me too! My Immersion grads are incredibly talented.
Thanks for posting the first paragraph from your published book.
It carries interest and power!
All journeys begin with a single step. I could say my journey began when I was made dead, a no-name ghost in the woods. Or when I first met the dragon when I was too young to be afraid. Or maybe my journey began when the pains started, soon after the last thread of light disappeared in a horizontal sliver crushed between dark ominous clouds fast filling the sky and the earthly boundaries of both my chains and comfort as deemed by the gods: the raw wilderness. Was it only less than a year ago that I was a naïve child, believing that the life ahead of me was mine to choose? So innocent. So lost in my own little world of supposed freedom. Self-centered as only a child knows at the time. What a difference a year makes.
Margie, you're doing your magic again! I adore how you make me think...think differently. Here are the opening lines of my WIP, a dual time period WWII love story, "Unforgettable."
New York Times bestselling author Vivienne Sheridan tells people she’s a red-hot dumpster fire searching for silver linings. What she doesn’t tell them is that she does it with white knuckles, often stylishly hidden by whipped-cream white gloves.
Vivienne is also quick to tell people she believes anything’s possible. Anything. And that’s just what she’s doing her best to believe right now as she travels through the airport like a bride floating down an aisle. Shoulders back. Spine straight. Chin up. A serene queen. A perfect mannequin, just like the ones she dresses at her vintage-clothing shop, Frocking Paradise.
PS: Happy Hearts Day!!!
Hellooo Chris --
It's fabulous to see you here! It's been waaaaaay too long since the Immersion at your stunning Victorian home!
The opening of your WWII love story, "Unforgettable" -- is unforgettable!
It's clear and clever. Love it.
Thanks so much for sharing!
New York Times bestselling author Vivienne Sheridan tells people she’s a red-hot dumpster fire searching for silver linings. What she doesn’t tell them is that she does it with white knuckles, often stylishly hidden by whipped-cream white gloves.
Vivienne is also quick to tell people she believes anything’s possible. Anything. And that’s just what she’s doing her best to believe right now as she travels through the airport like a bride floating down an aisle. Shoulders back. Spine straight. Chin up. A serene queen. A perfect mannequin, just like the ones she dresses at her vintage-clothing shop, Frocking Paradise.
Thank you, Margie! Your positive reaction and feedback means the world to me. Always has. Always will.
First little bit of a fantasy I'm working on. This checklist always helps me start a new book!
Everyone knows if you need something—truly, desperately, critically, need something—you don’t make a deal with a demon.
You make a deal with an angel.
Maybe deal isn’t the right word. It seems too mundane a title for selling yourself, body and soul, to one of the eight most powerful beings on Earth.
But they aren’t just angels. The eight archangels abandoned on Earth by a dying God are worse than demons ever could be.
Which is why, as my baby sister takes another numbered rattling breath, I know I don’t need a deal.
I need a miracle.
This is fabulous, Monica!
Great examples.
Thank you for the information you always provide.
Here's opening lines to a novel but I've begun:
So. The old man was finally dead.
Miles Lanneville scanned the obituary Jill had circled with red ink and adorned with exclamation marks. It was short and to the point. The bastard would have loved it. Hell, he’d probably dictated it from his deathbed.
Ambrose Lanneville’s heart stopped beating the last day of August, the day of his 75th birthday.
The old man had come full circle, a full, closed circle, as black and rotten as his soul.
Miles tossed the section back to Jill where she sat at the kitchen table in a splash of morning sunlight. Her ponytail bounced as she shook her head. "I can't believe no one called you. To learn about your father's death in the paper--"
My Margie! Excellent post. Again. I learn from you and yours with every example, every post, every online class, every lecture packet. Every everything.
Can't wait to Immerse with you in June.
Hi Margie. Your tips and examples always wow me. Thanks for sharing. Here's the first paragraphs of my current WIP:
It should have been easy to find her murderous sister.
Miranda Clarke glowered at the diner’s grumbling mechanical dishwasher. She had plenty of motivation to find her younger sister, but Irene Earnshaw, formerly the Fellowship’s Lady of the United States and wife of the Prophet, had a lot of rich and powerful friends in Baltimore.
The gurgle of draining water signaled the end of the cycle.
That Irene had powerful friends wasn’t a surprise. They were the daughters of a Fellowship Councilor, after all.
Steam belched out between the rubber strips that hung over the end of the machine. Miranda angled her face away from the steam. She never had powerful friends like Irene, not back then, back before she escaped.
I love the checklist. Am applying it as we speak although deadline for final draft has just passed. Again.
Thank you for this checklist and you are right, I've written the beginning several times. My book starts with a prologue so I'll share that. It's a speculative fiction called The Last Silver Lotus. The next chapter is in modern times.
Venice 1355 AD
Measured strikes of the hammer pounding the molds containing the dull silver metal echoed in the hollow chambers of Yuan’s heart. Sweat rolled off the face of the blacksmith, shaping the coin to Yuan’s specifications. This was his attempt at retribution, although nothing could repair his shattered spirit. She was gone, taken in the fire of hate and intolerance, dragging his hopes and dreams with her. Their future was now in the hands of her people, his efforts to keep their children safe from the fate their mother suffered. He had dropped his guard. He had been lulled into the false belief that Venetian society accepted him. Believed the bourgeoisie overlooked his Chinese features when he married one of them. Instead, his hubris cost him everything except his burning desire to thwart those who ruined him by helping others fight the hate.
The blacksmith’s tongs clasped the steaming coin as he held it towards Yuan for his inspection. Yuan examined the rendered Lotus flower, the symbol of resilience and life over hardship, his personal emblem, and his homage to his beloved Amelia. It was perfect.
Thanks again! Tina Celentano
Hi Margie!!
I’m late to the party but just wanted to chime in. Loved your post. Loved your checklist. Loved the examples and your analysis.
Hmm…not sure I’m hitting all the points with this example, but here’s the start of my current WIP Wolfblood:
Somewhere in Talmain.
My lungs are burning as if I’ve been running. I’m lying on a cold, hard surface, my body stiff, my mouth dry as coffin-dust. Water drips, plick, plick, pur-lick, somewhere behind me, and the air smells dank and musty.
Where the feck…?
My eyelids feel heavy as tombstones. I prise them apart with an effort, blink, look around. A shaft of silver-white light plays on a rock wall high above me. Moonlight—bright enough to see by. I turn my head, checking for injury, scanning for danger.
Hello Margie,
Below is my WIP opening lines. I'm a newbie so any feedback is welcome.
Yup, looked like Karma came calling.
Det. Dane Jorgensen analyzed the crime scene. Feeling nauseous and wobbly, Jorgensen wasn’t sure if his roiling stomach came from his hangover or the peculiar coppery pong of blood splashed across the cement walls like a Jackson Pollock, or from the ammonia stench of old urine. Or maybe it came from scrutinizing the pulpy remains of the victim’s head which now resembled a squashed pomegranate.
Jorgensen knelt and picked up a small tile, about 1 inch square, lying next to the man’s right hand. A crude hangman was painted on the tile. An object of bad juju? One thing was certain. This wasn’t a random act of murder. This was payback.
Karmas a bitch.
Great post! Loads of fabulous points to checklist with. Thanks, Margie 😊
‘You’re our only hope! You’re our only hope!’
Eric pounded along the endless, black bitumen road. Every step hammered the words into his brain like a wood pecker—no… a jack-hammer.
‘You’re our only hope! You’re our only hope!’
The sun had set hours ago, but Eric knew he had to get away—from what he couldn’t remember. He knew he had to keep moving. He knew he had to keep running. He knew he had to go somewhere.
A low rumble invaded his senses. The ground shook.
'Far out!’ he gasped. ‘The trucks!’
Eric looked around in desperation and doubled his pace.
Two glowing headlights pierced the horizon like evil yellow eyes hanging just above the darkness on the road ahead. They were coming towards him at an alarming rate.
I did try to post my paragraph here, but your system called it spam.
I'll try the opening sentences and no more.
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“Aren’t you hot?” the Tyrean asked. “You’ve been swinging those weights for half an hour in this sun. You must be baking in those black robes.”
Cherex ignored the interruption as thoroughly as he was ignoring the primitive, bucolic village surrounding them. He continued to swing the handled exercise weight, shifting it from one hand to the other and lifting. The sun was a furnace, but Cherex would rather boil than break his God’s commands or show weakness in front of an enemy.
This seemed to go through fine, Joan. Thanks for trying again!
Hello Everyone --
A huge THANK YOU to all of you for stopping by the blog -- and for posting your opening paragraphs too. Lots of talented writers here.
And -- I forgot to post the WINNER!
CONGRATULATIONS to Chris Lentz, who won a 5-page deep edit from me!
I'll catch up on responding to the rest of the posts within the next week. I'm traveling and teaching an Immersion Master Class in Virginia this week.
I look forward to seeing you all online again!
Big Hugs...........Margie