Writers in the Storm

Margie Lawson

Hmm…  Cold hard stare.

Have you read that descriptor before? Maybe more than once? More than a dozen times?

What about variations on these lines:

She narrowed her eyes to slits.

His eyes popped open as wide as saucers.

She scowled.

He arched a sardonic eyebrow.

What happens when readers read phrases or sentences they’ve read before?

They are not as attached to the read.

That page is not a page-turner.

But it’s easy to give the readers a little hit of fresh writing. Big hits are good too. As long as it’s still a smooth read. As long as it doesn’t jerk the reader out of your story.

The examples below share amplifications. The author amplified. They spotlighted body language. Added more descriptors or thoughts or shared how an expression from a non-POV character impacted the POV character.

The facial expression carried more power. Deepened characterization. Made relationships more complex.

Hear the compelling cadence.

Read the examples out loud. You’ll hear the compelling cadence that drives the reader through sentences and paragraphs and passages.

I shared examples from seven Immersion Grads. These authors have completed at least one 5-day intensive with me.  Some have done several of my Immersion Master Classes.

I deep edit analyzed examples from the first few authors. I couldn’t analyze them all, the blog would have been waaay too long.

Grave Secrets, Skye Jordan (Joan Swan), 3-time Immersion Grad

1. That cold, sharp gaze of his cut into her again.

Deep Editing Analysis:  Love that line. A few tweaks and it carries so much more power than a cold, hard stare.

Multiple Amplifications: Two descriptors for gaze, and shared how the look impacts the POV character. Compelling Cadence. Smart writing in that seemingly simple sentence.

Could Have Written: He gave her a cold, hard stare.

 

2. He held her gaze with eyes that somehow reassured her. She felt the connection in the pit of her stomach, a warm, coming-to-life tingle.

Deep Editing Analysis:  Multiple Amplifications; Look is a stimulus for a visceral response. Hyphenated-run-on. Power words.

Could Have Written: He gave her a reassuring look.

 

3. But the look on Audrey’s face gave the news away, and the terror clawed at Savannah’s gut.

Deep Editing Analysis:  Scary, scary. Powerful message. Amplifications; Look is a stimulus for a visceral response. Power words.

Could Have Written: She saw the look on Audrey’s face and knew. Her stomach clenched.

 

4. Her son finally glanced up, his expression flat—something Savannah had dubbed the Hank effect.

Deep Editing Analysis:  Ha! A snickerable moment. Humor Hit – Named the look.

Could Have Written: Her son finally glanced up.

 

Saving Mercy, Abbie Roads, 3-time Immersion Grad

1. “I’m not him.” He repeated the sentence, nothing in his tone changing, but she saw something in his eyes—through his eyes. Sadness. Resolve. And just a hint of fear. That was her undoing. That he could be scared of her—wow.

Deep Editing Analysis:  Multiple Amplifications; Showing What’s Not There; Fresh writing; Shared how POV character impacted him, and how knowing that impacted her.

Could Have Written: His tone didn’t change, but he looked intimidated.

 

2. She started to push back from him, but he caught her wrists, his grip impenetrable, his eyes stone-cold serious.

Deep Editing Analysis:  Hear that compelling cadences? Two Amplifications: Fresh writing. Look how she has three descriptors in a row. Smart writing.

Could Have Written: He grabbed her wrists and glared at her.

 

3. She packed her gaze with truth. Wanted to sear this moment into his brain and hope later, when she left, he’d understand that it wasn’t because of him.

Deep Editing Analysis: Wow! Packed gaze with truth. Fresh and powerful! Multiple Amplifications; Power words. Deepens characterization.

 

4. But then his father’s gaze shifted, and the fragile bubble of time popped.

Deep Editing Analysis:  Love the fresh writing! We know exactly what she means.

Could Have Written: He looked away and the moment was gone.

 

Long Shot, Kennedy Ryan, Immersion Grad

1. We stare at each other in a silence rich with things I shouldn’t say.

Deep Editing Analysis:  Beautiful amplification of silence. Fresh Writing. Deepens characterization. Compelling cadence too.

Could Have Written: We stared at each other and it seemed like the world stopped.

 

2. A tornado touches down on his face, his brows. Lightning strikes over stormy eyes.

Deep Editing Analysis:  Powerful metaphor, themed twice. Stunning writing.

Could Have Written: He looked more angry than I’d ever seen him look.

 

3. Even in the darkness, his cold stare penetrates my clothes and leaves my skin clammy.

Deep Editing Analysis: Two Amplifications. Deepens characterization. His look is a stimulus for a physical response.

Could Have Written: He gave me a cold stare. I shivered.

 

4. Something flickers through his eyes so quickly there’s not time for me to read it. Guilt? Anger?

Deep Editing Analysis: Flicker Face Emotion. Couldn’t be interpreted, but the power is on the page with what the POV character infers. Powerful.

Could Have Written: I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

 

The Forgotten Ones, Steena Holmes, Immersion Grad, 2-time Cruising Writers Grad, NYT Bestseller

1. “How long have you been on the run?” David decided to call it like he saw it, despite the flash of fear that flared up in her gaze.
2. Mom bolts from her seat and glares at me. Though she leaves her words unspoken, her gaze is doing plenty of yelling.
3. “He reminds me of you.” I swallow hard and watch the shift in my mom’s eyes as she stops staring at me and looks back into the flames.
4. David tried to get his wife to calm down, but he was stopped from saying anything further when she turned the force of the wildfire gaze in her eyes on him.

 

This Heart of Mine, C.C. Hunter (Christy Craig), Immersion Grad, NYT Bestseller

1. Dad walks over. He’s wearing his I’ll-take-on-the-world face. The expression he wore most of the time when I was sick.
2. I feel my smile slip from my eyes, my lips, and fall completely off my face.
3. The oh-poor-you look on his face flips right to fear.
4. And there’s nothing in his voice, his eyes, or his expression that says he’s lying.

 

 

 

Seize Today, Pintip Dunn, Immersion Grad, RITA Winner, NYT Bestseller

1. I hold my face tight, but the grimace sneaks out anyway.
2. And yet the guilt of the last six months radiates deep in her eyes. She clenches her jaw, keeping her expression rigidly neutral. If I wasn’t looking straight at her, I wouldn’t see her pain, But I’m looking. I see.
3. The holo-image of the chairwoman smiles, the picture of serenity. She could be advertising a lake vacation at a virtual theatre.
4. My mother is watching me carefully, with an expression that makes a chill creep up my spine. It’s an expression that says she knows my heart, she sees my soul. An expression that suggests she knows me better than I know myself.

 

Three Days Missing, Kimberly Belle, 4-time Immersion Grad, USA Today Bestseller

Examples are from the Advanced Reader Copy. Three Days Missing comes out June 26^th.

The last two examples are dialogue cues. Sharing more fun.

1. His face is a furious mask, and I have to remind myself his rage is not directed at me. Sam glares across the foyer in a way that makes it seem like all this—the agents, the warrant—is somehow Josh’s fault.
2. Josh’s head whips up and something changes on his face. Something small and barely noticeable, a tightening around his eyes. He sips from his glass, his gaze fishing away the way Sammy’s does when I ask why there’s an empty box of cookies in the pantry.
3. “How come you’re not in uniform?” The question comes out unsteady and without rhythm. I’m surprised I’m able to speak at all. My throat is desert-dry, and my tongue feels like a deadweight, swollen to twice its size.
4. I call Mac, choking out the words in seizure of spurts. Hikers. Body. Boy.My voice rising, spiralling into a steady wail Mac has to shout over.

Three Smart Takeaways:

1. When it’s important, amplify the subtext.
2. Make every sentence cadence driven.
3. Write fresh. Don’t give readers descriptors they’ve read in hundreds of books.

Kudos to all the Immersion grads referenced in this blog. Love, love, love their writing!

And -- THANK YOU to the WITS gals for hosting me. Can’t wait to see you at RWA National! 

Keep in mind this blog is only five pages long. My online course on body language has over 200 pages. It’s loaded with MORE TEACHING POINTS.   

Lots more teaching points than are shared here. The online course has plenty of examples and explanations to help you make your writing bestseller-strong. Plus, online courses are fun. And if you know me, you know I’m all about fun.

 The course that includes all those facial expressions starts June 1^st. Check out -- Writing Body Language and Dialogue Cues Like a Psychologist.

Please post a comment or share a ‘Hi Margie!’ Post something -- and you have two chances to be a winner.

You could win a Lecture Packet from me, or an online class from Lawson Writer’s Academy!

Lawson Writer's Academy – June Courses

1. Two-Week Intensive: Staking the Stakes
2. Two-Week Intensive: Show Not Tell
3. Five Week First Draft
4. Write Better Faster
5. Ta Da - How to Put Funny on the Page
6. Editing Magic: Work with a Professional Editor
7. Writing Body Language and Dialogue Cues Like a Psychologist

Post a comment. Let me know you’re here.

I’ll draw names for the TWO WINNERS Thursday night, at 9PM, and post them in the comments section.

Like this blog? Give it a social media boost. Thank you.

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Margie Lawson —editor and international presenter – teaches writers how to use her psychologically-based editing systems and deep editing techniques to create page turners.

She’s presented over 120 full day master classes in the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and France, as well as taught multi-day intensives on cruises in the Caribbean.

To learn about Margie’s 5-day Immersion Master Classes (in 2018, in Phoenix, Denver, San Jose area, Dallas, Yosemite, Los Angeles (2), Atlanta, and in Sydney, Melbourne, and Coolangatta, Australia), Cruising Writers cruises, full day and weekend workshops, keynote speeches, online courses through Lawson Writer’s Academy, lecture packets, and newsletter, please visit: www.margielawson.com

 

I first learned about the 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy from Linda Howard, who used to give a very popular talk on the subject based on the work of Desmond Morris, Intimate Behavior: A Zoologist's Classic Study of Human Intimacy.

On the downside, Linda has stopped giving this workshop. On the upside, she has spoken to enough writers that I was able to find a great post on the topic by one of our WITS readers, Terry O’Dell.

I give the stages and my thoughts here, but if you want a more detailed description of how to use the 12 Stages in writing romance, skip on over to Terry's blog and read her wonderful post called the 12 Steps to Intimacy. :-)

Believe it or not, I’ve always found it terribly hard to write sex scenes. I don’t mind talking about sex, but when it comes to my characters, I’ve been stymied by "The Big Sexy," as we call in at my house.

WHY couldn’t I write a sex scene?

1. I felt like a voyeur. Like I was intruding on a personal moment between my characters.
2. Evidently I’m more prudish than I thought, and it was embarrassing.
3. What if my friends and family read this?!
4. I found all of the “A” goes into “B” details boring to write.

The last one was the real key. I’m pretty well-practiced at overcoming fear. But boring is not a word I want associated with me and my writing. Plus, it’s a pretty good guarantee that if you’re bored with your sex scenes, your reader will be too. So...I was back to Square One where I wanted to tattoo “I HATE SEX SCENES” on my forehead.

Enter Linda Howard.

Not only is she a warm, amazing lady but I LOVE the way she writes sex scenes. She is the very best at using sex as a plot device, and her books are fast-paced and hot. My favorite of hers is Son of the Morning, but you pretty much can’t find a bad read with her.

When Linda came to my writing chapter back in 2010 and gave her wonderful talk, light bulbs went off for me. I began to understand why I found Janet Evanovich’s books so sexy, even though most of the sex happened off-screen. I started to understand why Nora Roberts's sex scenes are so hot, even though she rarely discusses how “A” goes into “B.”

My aha moment opened the door to how to get intimacy onto the page and how to escalate the intimacy logically throughout a novel so the readers are satisfied. Below are the steps — use them wisely!

The 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy

1. Eye to body – the first “summing up” glance where one character notices the height, weight, dress code of another and registers an “overall impression.” A man will never approach a woman without this step, and it’s important to get that first glimpse onto the page.

This step is why “the heroine studying herself in the mirror” is considered such a rookie writing mistake. We want to be in one character’s head when they see their fellow main character. Even if the glance is between two friends or business associates, this is the first step in building the emotional intimacy between them.

2. Eye to eye – the first step of active interaction between characters. There is a lot of tension to be found in eye contact, and writers need to take a moment to get it on the page. Whether it’s a menacing stare or a long glance, you need to bring it to your reader. Remember, the point of view character needs to always be the person in the scene with the most to lose. When you bring up eye contact, make sure you’re in that vulnerable character’s head.

3. Voice to voice – once the two characters have met, they must speak. Who speaks first is important, as is what they say. What if one character touches the other before they speak? Whoa! Serious tension. It’s your story so I’ll let you figure this out, but think about how to get the most mileage from your scenes as you move through this chart.

4. Hand to hand (or arm) – “Mom, he’s touching me!” Don’t you remember how invasive you found the slightest look or touch from your siblings during a fight? My brother standing at the door of my room staring or putting a fingertip over “the line” and touching me were a big deal when we were at war. It wasn’t about the touch — it was about crossing my boundary. Remember this when you write, and be purposeful in your touching. Push boundaries when it helps your story.

5. Arm to shoulder – Ah…it’s the old yawn and drop the arm around the girl move. Why is this a classic? It’s because this is serious intimacy. Up close and able to kiss or smell. This is a gateway move to more intimacy.

I HATE it when someone I don’t know well puts their arm around me. Why? Because it’s intimate and invasive. But if I know them or feel close to them, it’s loving and welcome. It’s all about boundaries. How wide are your character’s boundaries? Why? How quickly does your character relax those boundaries? Again, why? These are important questions for you to answer.

6. Arm to waist, or back – Oooh…the hand on the small of the back to guide a woman through the room. *sigh* It melts me every time my guy does this.

Why is this so romantic? Because a warm hand against the small of the back sends the message to the woman and the rest of the room that this man is allowed to touch her, right above her bottom. There is physical comfort between these two people, and they are engaging in nonverbal behavior that’s nearly always sexual. Yummy.

7. Mouth to mouth – Have you ever wondered why a kiss is so intimate? You’ve skipped though half the intimacy chart with this one move. Depending on how the kiss progresses, several more intimacy levels may be skipped. WOOT!

Why do so many romance authors spend time and tension on the kiss, breaking it off or prolonging it? Because it works! Seriously, kissing creates tension in the pages of your novel, if you do it right, and keeps your readers fanning themselves and turning your pages to see when your characters are going to do it again.

8. Hand to head – Perhaps your first kiss back at Step 7 was a lip-lock, possibly including some stroking of the back. Sexy and intimate, but not a “skip-a-level” moment. What about when a man holds a woman’s face or vice-versa? What about when the yanking of hair ensues? It’s hot, hot, HOT because it’s extraordinarily intimate to touch a person’s head or face.

Use this in your books. The back of a fingertip along someone’s cheek and down their neck…is it good, as in hero and heroine? Or evil, as in villain, heroine? You are the creator of your world, be it loving or creepy.

9. Hand to body – As Terry says in her post, this step moves the couple into the beginnings of foreplay. This is a key place to break your couple apart, have deep emotional issues surface or just to collide your internal and external conflict. You haven’t reached the “point of no return” yet, so break the intimacy up a bit. Throw your characters up a tree and shoot at them...it's a nice gift for your readers.

10. Mouth to breast – My baby sister is going to laugh when she reads this. I always told her, "No matter what, keep your shirt on until you're really sure you want to sleep with a guy."

A woman can still turn back at this point, as can a man, but there’s likely to be some stomped feelings on both sides if she does. That's not why I told her to stay clothed. Most women excrete the bonding hormone oxytocin, the “love hormone,” when they have skin-to-skin contact. Why bond with some schmuck if it could have been avoided by just keeping your shirt on?

11. Hand to genitals – OK, we’re pretty much at the point of no return at this stage. If somebody changes their mind, labels like “tease” are likely to be assigned and major conflict will ensue. I love the idea of having the external conflict be the coitus interruptus. There’s some major mileage to be gained from messing with your characters in these final stages.

12. Genitals to genitals – He shoots, he scores! You’re at the sex act, and your characters will commit violence if you interrupt now.

It’s nice to decide in advance what you want from The Big Sexy. You’ve made your readers pant for this step throughout the journey, dragging them through ALL the other stages to get here. It is up to you whether this is the payoff, as it is in many romance novels, or if it’s just a step to something else in your story.

The entire point to this chart is to get the most from your characters' intimacy. Being deliberate in your steps will pay off big in your stories.

Have you heard Linda Howard give this talk? Were you familiar with this Intimacy Chart? How do you see this changing your writing process? What is your favorite step in terms of breaking down barriers between your characters?

About Jenny

By day, Jenny provides training and social media marketing for an accounting firm. By night she writes humor, memoir, women’s fiction and short stories. After 18+ years as a corporate software trainer, she’s delighted to sit down while she works.

When she’s not at her personal blog, More Cowbell, Jenny can be found on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook, or here at Writers In The Storm.

I took one acting class in college. In addition to discovering I didn't want to pursue drama, but simply storytelling, I learned some of the challenges of portraying a character's persona to an audience just beyond the stage.

One tidbit was my takeaway that you need something to do with your feet, your hands, your body. Enter props.

When a partner and I performed a scene in class from Extremities (yes, the one made into a film that Farrah Fawcett starred in), I started the scene with a cigarette in hand. Looking back, I now realize that cigarette had zero to do with what was happening. It was merely a crutch to keep my hands busy so I didn't look like an idiot standing there with no movement or gesturing wildly.

This happens to us authors with the page too.

For example, we need to write a scene with two characters talking, but something should be happening besides dialogue, right? Enter props. We put them at a kitchen table and give them tea to pour into cups. We put them in a car where they can fiddle with the radio dial and glance in the rear-view mirror. We get them to fiddle with their clothes, their jewelry, their wristwatch.

But is that action actually related to what else is happening in the scene? Does the action reveal something about the characters or the plot? Or is simply to keep our characters busy? 

Let me lay out two examples below. The dialogue and setting will be the same for both. But contrast how the action doesn't really matter in the first scene, but pulls its weight much better in the second.

Example 1

Mary grabbed coffee cups from the cupboard and turned on the pot. "My sister's arriving at noon. Or so she says."

John leaned against the counter and watched the coffee. "When she gets here, you need to explain what's happened."

Mary had no idea how to have that conversation. How could she explain to her sister what she didn't understand herself?

The coffee hadn't finished percolating, but Mary shoved a cup under the stream anyway. Once it was full, she handed it to John and returned the pot to its place. She could wait for her own cup.

"Why don't you tell her?" Mary asked. "You're more diplomatic than I am."

John added sugar to his coffee, three packets. "I don't think diplomacy is your best bet. More like pulling off the Band-Aid, one quick yank and be ready for the scream."

Example 2

Mary pushed aside the family crest coffee cups and grabbed a nondescript one from the back of the cupboard, then turned on the pot. It was barely eight a.m., and she was headed toward a third cup. "My sister's arriving at noon. Or so she says."

John leaned against the counter and watched the coffee, as if it was a focal point to avoid eye contact. "When she gets here, you need to explain what's happened."

Mary had no idea how to have that conversation. How could she explain to her sister what she didn't understand herself?

The coffee hadn't finished percolating, but Mary shoved a cup under the stream anyway. Impatient with the coffee, impatient with the situation, impatient with her life.

Once the cup had filled, she handed it to John. "Why don't you tell her? You're more diplomatic than I am."

The hot plate sizzled, and she returned the coffee pot to its place. She could wait for her own cup. By now, she should be used to standing in line for what she wanted.

John added sugar to his coffee, three packets. If only Mary could add that kind of sweetener to bad news. "I don't think diplomacy is your best bet," he said. "More like pulling off the Band-Aid, one quick yank and be ready for the scream."

# # #

In the first example, there's action in that they're drinking coffee. But who cares! It doesn't say anything about the two of them or the story. In the second example, that action is used to illuminate more about the characters and what's going on.

Sure, you still don't know what's going on, because I purposefully kept it vague, but you have a much better feel for the characters and the mood. Even Mary pushing past her family crest coffee cups to get a different cup tells you something.

Because the action in your novel should matter. If it doesn't, you need to either take it out or give it meaning.

Here are some places where you might find non-meaningful action in your work-in-progress:

1. During a scene focused on dialogue, where you have to put your characters somewhere doing something. The above examples above show what that looks like.
2. When your characters need to get from one place to another, and you end up describing every detail of the journey. But readers don't need to see people walking to the car, opening the car door, turning on the engine, shifting into gear, etc.
3. When your POV character is alone in a scene sorting through something that happened or what to do next, and they're fiddling with papers or getting dressed or the like.
4. When a character is anticipating something, and you need something for them to do while they wait.

Of course, you need actions in your novel that show the character moving about and going from place to place. And yes, sometimes the character wipes lint off his pants just because. So please don't go hacking out every instance of "she walked to the door." In an effort to compel the reader, don't confuse the reader. Instead, maintain the continuity of a scene.

But make sure the overall action of a scene reveals character, advances plot, and/or provides tension.

Have you struggled with writing meaningful action? (I have -- especially the driving thing!) How have you learned to add better reveal character, advance plot, and provide tension with seemingly unimportant action?

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About Julie

Julie Glover writes cozy mysteries and young adult fiction. Her YA contemporary novel, SHARING HUNTER, finaled in the 2015 RWA® Golden Heart®. When not writing, she collects boots, practices rampant sarcasm, and advocates for good grammar and the addition of the interrobang as a much-needed punctuation mark.

Julie is represented by Louise Fury of The Bent Agency. You can visit her website here and also follow her on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.