Writers in the Storm

First, our hearts go out to those directly affected by the bombing at the Boston Marathon.  We all have indirectly been affected by this act of terror--life is not as carefree as it was this past week-end. 

Today's blog is part two in a series of posts by Fae Rowen about the science of attachment styles and how we can use the research to help our characters fall in love and connect that emotion with our readers. Here's the link to Part 1, if you missed the information about the secure attachment style.

Part 3 of the series, Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment Style, is due on Monday, April 29.

by Fae Rowen

Attachment Style 2: Avoidant Insecure

The Backstory: How does someone "acquire" one of the three insecure attachment styles?  The same way a secure attachment style is formed: from the interaction between a child and the caregiver.

You didn't do anything--bad or good--to acquire your style.

Your attachment style was determined by your parent's and caregiver's behaviors and attitudes. Most probably those folks loved you and did the best they could at the time, given their adult circumstances.

With the Avoidant Insecure Style, the caregivers often showed evidence of love and caring. But through their own fear, perhaps fear of doing something "wrong" in child-rearing, they were not available enough for "interactive co-regulation," where the adult provides messages through actions and words, which lead to secure attachment.

Examples of caregiver behaviors and attitudes contributing to Avoidant Insecure Attachment:

• Distant or emotionally absent
• Neglectful, rejecting, or hostile
• Ineffective or insensitive to child's  needs
• Communication towards child not age appropriate
• Incoherent language and facial expression
• Leave a child alone too much

Here are characteristics your adult characters might display with this style. Choose what works for your story.

1. Holds no clear memory of childhood because memory-making is impaired.
2. Minimizes importance of relationships in life.
3. Lives on his or her own.
4. Believes in hard work and extreme independence.
5. Send signals to partners that they don't need them, even though this may be far from the truth.
6. Partners may feel as if they don't matter.
7. Lives in an "emotional desert" lacking in emotional connection or affectionate touch.
8. May dissociate rather than feel own needs, wants, feelings, or desires, including sensations in the body.
9. When needs, wants and feelings arise there is an extreme level of vulnerability.
10. May dislike partner's emotional expression, due to their own unconscious repression of emotion.
11. Feels superior in not needing anyone.
12. May feel so isolated they cannot reach out to someone, even though they want connection.
13. Trust is easily violated.
14. They expect to be hurt or disappointed by others.
15. They love their partners and children (and others), but find connection stressful.
16. May be unaware of how deeply disconnected they are from others.
17. Often feels stress when loved ones approach them uninvited--and relief when they leave.
18. Seems initially rejecting when approached by partner because they experience stress.
19. Needs time to shift from disconnection to reconnect.
20. Needs to learn approach behaviors rather than follow automatic reflex to withdraw or avoid.
21. May initially feel relief or separation elation at break-ups or separations, but then become very depressed when the loved one is no longer available or gone too long.
22. Minimizes how much they really need their partner.
23. Need to realize the level of neglect that seems normal from their childhood.
24. Feeling the loss of of a deep relationship can bridge to a natural healthy longing to bond, which is the bridge back to secure attachment.

Avoidant style characters might minimize proximity seeking, reduce expectations or deny their needs. They'll have a lack of richness or depth in autobiographical details. They never felt special to their parents.They'll have difficulty with self-reflection, so having them deliver an internal monologue will not be authentic. And they use very few words, so make their dialogue count.

Even if your primary style is not avoidant, I'll bet that you resonant with a few of these traits. And that you can recognize how it would be easy to fall in love with someone who helps you "repair" these behaviors to promote a secure attachment style.

What kind of "repair messages" help build a bridge to secure attachment for our avoidant style character?

Words or actions that say: 

• You belong here
• I'm glad you're alive
• What you need is important to me
• I'm glad you are you
• I celebrate your existence
• You can feel all of your feelings
• You can feel your body
• It is safe to be vulnerable and reach out

A soft gaze, or "kind eyes," goes a long way with this style to convey many of the sayings above. Show this behavior across the dining table or at a coffee house. You can show how your character changes and feels after receiving these repair messages.

The repair message can be given through actions or "acts of love." With these acts of love, you can show how the secure attachment bridge is formed between your characters. And, voila, they have fallen in love.

How can you use repair messages to show your characters falling in love? Do you have one that resonates for you? Do you recognize a repair message that a loved one has given you?

~ Fae

A Thank You to our readers:

This is our 400th post. Of course, when we started all this blogging business, we should have anticipated this moment, but we're feeling rather grown-up today. Thanks for reading!

Writers in the Storm welcomes back Anne Cleeland to share tips on writing Secondary Characters. Anne last helped us sort through the accuracy for details of our historicals.

by Anne Cleeland

A story with compelling secondary characters engages the reader by adding another layer of interest to the story.  Whether they are sidekicks, lovers, or shadowy villains, good secondary characters help make the story three dimensional instead of flat, and also make it a lot easier to beef up that all-important word count. As an added bonus, the secondary character often provides the hero with opportunities for bantering or bickering dialogue--always a reader favorite and an easy way to establish likeability.

In most stories, however, there are certain protocols that are expected and probably should be followed when it comes to secondary characters. The writer has to be careful not to violate these unspoken rules at the risk of annoying the reader, because an annoyed reader is not a happy reader.  Here are three that work for me:

1. Don’t kill off the secondary character everyone loves.

The death of the secondary character is often used to ratchet up the stakes.  The late, great Blake Snyder famously said that the hero’s best friend always dies around page 71 of the screenplay—it’s a tried-and-true literary device.  But the death should stir the reader’s sympathy on behalf of the hero, not make the reader feel betrayed because they’ve invested in the character.

The red-shirted crewmen on Star Trek were famous for being doomed from the start, so no one missed them when they dutifully got themselves killed by a gorn or something.

Sometimes you get the feeling that the writer was staring at his laptop, out of ideas, and decided to kill off a beloved character so as to be “edgy,” or to “allow the story to go in a new direction” (read: out of ideas.) To me, these deaths always seem too contrived; shock value for the sake of shock value and not authentic.

Examples of “good” secondary character deaths that evoked sympathy for the hero: Beth in Little Women; Rue in Hunger Games; Horatio in Hamlet; Helen Burns in Jane Eyre.

Examples of “bad” deaths that made the reader recoil:  Dumbledore in Harry Potter; Boromir in Lord of the Rings; Lady Sybil in Downtown Abbey.

2.  Don’t make the secondary character’s role unclear.

As a reader, I want to fit the character into the appropriate slot, so I don’t like it when the writer muddies it up.  No one expects Dr. Watson, Sancho Panza or Samwise Gangee to take a turn at being the hero. No one expects Falstaff to start speaking of weighty matters, and no one expects Obi-wan to start wise cracking --everyone should instead stay in role.

Exception: I suppose there is an exception to this rule when the secondary character’s role is supposed to be unclear.  Examples are The Wizard in The Wizard of Oz; Rebecca in Rebecca; Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird.

Examples of secondary characters who break role and cause general confusion: Star Wars had more than a few, including Anakin Skywalker and Lando. You’d think an epic good vs. evil plot would stay within the lines, but you’d be wrong—and again, you got the feeling that the writers were out of ideas, and floundering around.

And speaking of which, remember Paradise Lost?  If you do, you probably remember Satan more than you do the protagonist, you-know-Who.

Peter Pan’s Captain Hook is another ambivalent villain, as is the Artful Dodger in Oliver Twist, or Snape in Harry Potter. Either they’re secret good guys, or they’re villains, but make up your mind, for heaven’s sake.

3.  Don’t let the secondary character outshine the hero.

Every writer knows this feeling; the secondary character develops a life of his own. The writer has a choice; beat the character back into submission, or allow him to take over the story and hope for the best, as was the case with Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, Huckleberry Finn from Tom Sawyer or Jacob Black from the Twilight series.

However, in most cases I prefer that the writer keeps everyone firmly in their chosen role. Storytelling involves certain expectations and you don’t want to cause confusion or annoyance, see Rules 1 and 2.  

Georgette Heyer wrote a wonderful book called Cotillion, where the archetypal hero turns out to be not-so-heroic, and instead the dorky secondary character turns out to be the hero. Heyer was a master, however, and caution is advised before trying this on your own.

Examples of secondary characters who outshone the hero:

Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind. Think about it—weren’t you just flipping the pages, waiting for him to show up again?  Amy in Little Women is another example. I know we were supposed to applaud Jo’s choice of husband, but Amy’s beat him to pieces. Lestat, in Interview with the Vampire (who arguably started this whole vampire thing), and Long John Silver from Treasure Island (what is it about pirates?)

Can you think of other rules, or examples?

Anne's Regency novel, Tainted Angel ,  is due out in June (is that a gorgeous cover, or what?)

Anne Cleeland holds a degree in English from UCLA as well as a degree in law from Pepperdine University, and is a member of the California State Bar.  She writes a historical fiction series set in the Regency period as well as a contemporary mystery series set in New Scotland Yard.  A member of the Historical Novel Society and Mystery Writers of America, she lives in California and has four children.

by Fae Rowen

Backstory: I always wondered why my husband fell in love with me. He was a thirty-year-old "confirmed" bachelor when I met him. And I never intended to marry anyone. Six months after we met, we were engaged. How did that happen?

Mere weeks ago I attended a workshop that was totally different than what I thought it was going to be. Turns out, it was better than anything I could have imagined on many levels. I learned and experienced amazing things personally. But, more important for you, I got one of the best writing lessons ever as a secondary benefit.

It turns out that the class was about the four somatic attachment styles. Don't be put off because you've never heard of it. Neither had I. The information has reached "limited audiences" in the past five years, though the research started twenty years ago.

Your attachment style can be determined by answering a series of questions. If you are interested in learning more, you can visit Diane Poole Heller's website and take the short version of the quiz. (If you have trouble getting your responses accepted. Try another time.) I would highly recommend any one of these workshops; Patti Elledge was the leader for my four-day workshop.

In this first blog, I'll introduce you to the secure attachment style. In future blogs I'll share more of what I discovered about how--and why--we fall in love. And how five easy scientific facts can help you connect with your readers (and your beloved) at a deeper level. To help them fall in love with your characters as your characters fall in love with each other. Writer gold!

You began developing your attachment style when you were a baby. Consider your primary caregiver as you read the summary below. But remember, you may have a mix of styles because you bonded with many people--even pets. Your attachment style strongly influences your adult relationships.

During this workshop I realized why I ran from the first three guys who asked me to marry them. They were all great and, without a doubt, loved me. But based on my attachment style, they didn't build the bonds with me that my husband did. I guess you could say that from the cradle, I was fated to marry my husband because of my attachment style.

SECURE Attachment Style: The Gold Standard

My parents provided a secure, safe environment. They were present, consistent, protective and predictable. They were responsive and sensitive. When I needed them, they were there. They showed interest in me as I grew. Interest in what I was learning, how I thought. When I acted out, they disciplined me with love, not frustration and anger.

Believe me, I was no angel. Back in those days, discipline took the form of a spanking. But only with an open hand on the bottom. Never more than a couple of swats. And no anger afterwards; they hugged me until my tears stopped. I think I cried more from the situation than physical hurt.

My father was playful with me, gently teasing but never bullying or emotionally attacking. The teasing was a way my father showed that gleam in his eye. My mother didn't tease. She would touch my hand, pat my back, and give me "contact nutrition." They never swore at me, called me names, or said anything in anger that they'd want to take back later.

These are all hallmarks of how to develop a secure attachment style. Now I know why my favorite picture is one of me as a baby. My mother is holding me in her arms, beaming and smiling down at me. I'm returning that eye gaze and smile. I used to show people that picture and say, "Can't you feel the love?" years before The Lion King.

That soft eye gaze is the hallmark of a secure attachment between two people. Or a person and a well-loved pet. Yes, some of us grew up and received our secure attachment style from a family pet, or a teacher, or neighbor. And that's okay. As long as you experienced a secure attachment style as a young child, it's there in your body. It may be buried under years of living, but it's there--and that's what's important.

As an adult, secure attachment is displayed by a realistic optimism. A capacity for clear communication and more resiliency in recovering from stress is a bonus. In a relationship, securely attached adults protect each other from outside harm and resist harming each other. They initiate and receive attempts to repair the relationship when necessary.

As an individual, a secure attachment style means you tend to be unflappable and level-headed. You give others the benefit of the doubt when it's appropriate. And you have a working radar for danger.

Wouldn't you fall in love with someone with these characteristics? Wouldn't your character (and your readers) fall in love with someone with these traits?

You might be saying, "Wow, she had a golden childhood." Actually, I used to think so. I didn't, but because most of my time I was cared for by my parents, I'm lucky to have this as my primary attachment style. But, as you'll see in the next installment, I've got the other three styles, too. (And you probably do as well.) And those styles have played havoc with my adult life.

The good news: You can "repair" attachment styles to move them to the secure model. I can't give you four days worth of experiences and information in a blog series, but we're going to use this information to help you build character relationships in your writing. You'll see how you can build wonderful, loving relationships--and not so happy ones. And you won't have to spend hours angsting over body language cues and how to write the emotion. You'll use attachment styles. At the end of the series I'll give you a bibliography if you're interested in exploring more about this research.

Do you have tricks or problems in showing how a relationship develops believably between your characters? Have you ever wondered about your own relationships?