Writers In The Storm welcomes back award-winning author and RWA RITA-nominee, Shannon Donnelly.

Today she’s talking to us about the difference between dialog that is -- mediocre, and dialog that *sparkles*

By Shannon Donnelly

TECHNICAL CHALLENGE: DIALOGUE

When I first began writing, one thing stood out like a big old red light—in any story, there’s a lot to juggle. Dialogue, description, sentence structure, punctuation…the list goes on and on. And you have the story and characters to fit into all of that. It soon became obvious that all this needed to be broken down and turned into something manageable. One exercise I began was to practice ONE technical aspect of writing in each book—and the most valuable of these was the exercise on dialogue.

Good dialogue can carry a weak plot, can make up for weak description, and can even make the reader forget to look for plot holes. Great dialogue won’t cure a bad story—but the reader’s going to forgive you pretty much every flaw. That’s because great dialogue makes the characters come alive. If you want to learn one thing that will help your writing, learn how to write (and revise until it’s wonderful) your dialogue.

So…what do you need to learn?

1. Let your characters talk—and let their personalities out.

This seems obvious, but it’s amazing how many folks put a lot into internal thoughts—and this is all the stuff that would make for great, snappy dialogue.

Look at this example from a Proper Mistress:

"I mean, I'm supposed to be smitten. But she can't be at all acceptable—only she can't be too coarse, either, mind. My father would twig to it at once. No, she must have manners enough that hanging out for the respectability of marriage seems obvious. And it would be best if she had red hair—m'family knows I've a weakness for red hair. But I'll leave that detail to you."

This gives you the character Theo in one paragraph—he’s not all that bright a fellow (you can hear in his dialogue that he’s got a plan which is not that well thought-out), and he’s the type to casually wave a hand and figure out he’ll get  by somehow. That’s Theo—and this dialogue introduces the reader to Theo and his problems right away.

This dialogue did not just show up in the book. It took time to find Theo’s voice and to get his opening speech sharp and exact for Theo.

2. Let your dialogue do the job—that means don’t use tags to tell what you’ve shown.

Readers hate to be bored, and there is nothing more boring than to get the same information over and over (this is why we all get sick of political commercials that hammer on us). If you have a character say, “I hate this!” You do not need to add, she said hotly. The reader already got the hot from the word hate and the exclamation mark.

Look at this example from Under the Kissing Bough, where we have the heroine Eleanor losing it:

"I lied to you. I am not sensible. I'm not anything you want, because I cannot live without love." The tears streamed down her face to fall on the carpet. She walked blindly about the room, having to move, hugging her arms, shivering with the storm of emotions that shook her.

"I thought I could do this. I thought it would be enough just to love you and not to ask or expect anything. But I cannot. You told me that I had to learn how not to care, only I do care. I care too much. And I cannot seem to stop caring, so you ought to just divorce me, or get an annulment, or whatever it is you must do to end it. For I cannot do this."

Her words ended in an anguished sob.

Notice that the reader has no problem knowing who is talking because of the action—we have her walking blindly, hugging herself, sobbing. The actions support the dialogue. Look what would happen if we hit the reader over the head by telling with redundant dialogue tags:

"I lied to you,” she said angrily. “I am not sensible. I'm not anything you want, because I cannot live without love,” she sobbed.

"I thought I could do this,” she went on to say, heatedly.” I thought it would be enough just to love you and not to ask or expect anything. But I cannot. You told me that I had to learn how not to care, only I do care. I care too much. And I cannot seem to stop caring, so you ought to just divorce me, or get an annulment, or whatever it is you must do to end it. For I cannot do this," she said, sadly.

Notice that the angrily, sobbed, heatedly, and sadly weaken the dialogue; instead of actions that support showing emotion, we’re hitting the reader over the head with the point. They do not help the reader “see” a scene the way that action does.

So get rid of those awkward tags—use action to show more.

3. Let your characters change the topic, duck answering, and throw in words sometimes just to be funny.

Let’s take the example from Lady Scandal, where the hero has just hitched a ride in a carriage with the heroine and her niece:

For a moment, he did not reply, and then a low, warm laugh filled the coach. "And how very like you to cross my path when you are in deeper waters than you can navigate, my Lady Scandal."

Her hands clenched on the muslin of her dress. "Do not call me that!"

"What, did I say scandal instead of Sandal? Old habit, I fear. But the name fits you so much better."

A light voice interrupted. "And just why do you think my aunt scandalous when you are the one threatening us?"

Diana's words startled Alexandria. She had focused her attention so totally on Paxten that she had forgotten everything else. As she almost had once before. She glanced at her niece and turned back to blister Paxten with a reproof for the use of that sobriquet he had once given her, and which he had lured her into earning.

However, he got his words out before she could utter hers, that charm of his now turned on Diana. "Aunt is it? How do you do? Since your aunt has already given you my name that must do for an introduction. And you are...?"

Voice prim, Diana answered without hesitation, "I doubt I should give you my name—it does not sound as if Aunt Alexandria cares overmuch for you."

Notice that no one really answers anyone here—everyone has their own agenda to express, and their own emotions. Let’s take this now and make everyone talk to the topic:

For a moment, he did not reply, and then a low, warm laugh filled the coach. "And how very like you to cross my path when you are in deeper waters than you can navigate, my Lady Scandal."

Her hands clenched on the muslin of her dress. "Do not call me that!"

"What, did I say scandal instead of Sandal?”

“Yes, you did.”

A light voice interrupted. "And just why do you think my aunt scandalous when you are the one threatening us?"

"She is scandalous because she almost once ran away with me.”

Notice that we now have a problem distinguishing who is talking because everyone is talking the same way—this is more about giving the reader information instead of letting the characters express themselves. We’ve revealed a plot detail that I wanted to keep from the reader (to keep the tension going) until much later. We’ve lost the great dialogue. And it’s time for the reader to yawn.

4. Change the boring bits into something that’s got emotion—make it funny or dramatic.

If you’re like most folks you think of the best come-back lines a few hours after they should have been said. One of the great joys of writing is that you get to put in all the best lines—you can think of them days later and edit them into the dialogue.

Let’s go back to A Proper Mistress, to Theo with the heroine, Molly. Their carriage has broken down beside the road, so we have them needing to pass the time. This is a light romance, so this is a chance for them to have some dialogue and let them have some fun, as they start by talking about Theo’s groom and progress onto a little bit of back and forth:

"Oh, Burke's a good enough sort. Once you get past the sour side of him. Taught me how to ride in fact."

"What? He hardly looks old enough to be shaving!"

"That's his size. I've a suspicion he had ambitions once to ride as a jockey—he certainly did for my father for a time."

"And why did he not continue? Did something happen?"

He glanced at her, eyes puzzled and black eyebrows lowered flat. "My sweet Sweet, I don't go inquiring into the personal lives of my father's servants. It would be damned prying and rude of me!"

"As I'm being now?" She turned away. Propping up her feet, she folded her hands on her knees.

"Taken a pet now?" he asked, his voice coaxing.

She wouldn't look at him. "No, I have not."

"Oh, come along. We've hours to pass, and I don't fancy spending them staring at sheep and grass."

Glancing at him from the corner of her eyes, she asked, "Does that mean I may ask prying, rude questions then?" She added a belated, "Ducks?"

"I suppose it does," he said, his eyes lightening with humor. "Though it don't mean I'll answer them."

"Then I'd rather talk about myself. Did you know that I once lived in India? I am rather proud of that, for I think it gives me a touch of the exotic. Don't you think, ducks?"

Now, instead of this, I could have had them talking to the point and about the plot. But that’s dull, dull, dull—it doesn’t give the reader a sense of the character’s personalities. It’s also not going to be funny or dramatic.

Notice, too, that dialogue reads really fast—if you want to keep your story moving, put in more dialogue.

5. If you have to get some plot exposition into dialogue, make the reader wait for it (until the reader’s willing to kill for it), and don’t forget that emotion.

Emotion, emotion, emotion—it’s all about the emotion. What are the characters feeling, and what are they expressing with their words. And, yes, sometimes the plot has to fit in there—but it’s your job to make it interesting.

Here’s an example from Paths of Desire. There’s a main plot point where the heroine has to admit she can’t read—it’s been one of the issues in that the hero keeps writing her letters that she never answers.

To make this more interesting—and not have it be just plot stuffed in—her confession comes during a love scene. It’s motivated by her having become closer to the hero—he’s done a lot for her leading up to this and she feels a fraud not to have told him this before, so here we have them:

He brushed a hand across her face. “There’s only one thing I want to discover tonight. Only one peak to scale.” He rubbed his thumb across her breast. She pulled in a sharp breath. “Well, perhaps two. Do you know how many times I tried to find the words for you? Words to tell you what I felt, how I missed you, how I dreamed of—”

“I’ve never read your letters. I can’t!” She stared at him, eyes wide, the words blurted out in a guilty rush. But she’d done with secrets between them.

For a moment, he stared back, and he said, “I know.”

“You know? But—?”

“Why else wouldn’t you read them? Indifference?” He grinned and she swatted at him, but he caught her wrist and pulled her back into his arms.

Notice that in here, we also have characters interrupting each other. We have them already knowing things that didn’t need to be said. We have emotion coming out in dialogue. And we have action tags that aren’t telling the reader what the reader already knows—the dialogue can stand on its own and carry its own weight in the scene.

That’s what you want to practice. Great dialogue. Characters expressing their emotions (not just stating the obvious). Characters talking in character, interrupting each other, changing the topic. Dialogue that’s funny or dramatic, or there just because it’s a fabulous line and you can’t wait to give that line to your characters.

About Shannon Donnelly:

Shannon Donnelly's writing has won numerous awards, including a RITA nomination for Best Regency, the Grand Prize in the "Minute Maid Sensational Romance Writer" contest, judged by Nora Roberts, RWA's Golden Heart, and others. Her writing has repeatedly earned 4½ Star Top Pick reviews from Romantic Times magazine, as well as praise from Booklist and other reviewers, who note: "simply superb"..."wonderfully uplifting"....and "beautifully written."

PATHS OF DESIRE: The Sweet Regency Edition

The newest Regency Historical from award-winning author and RWA RITA-nominee, Shannon Donnelly.

For more information: Visit her Website.

Buy at Amazon.com:                   Buy at BN.com:

NO MAN’S MISTRESS…

She wants a rich lord for a husband—she won’t end like her mother, abandoned and broken.

NO WOMAN’S FOOL…

He wants to prove to his friend she’s the wrong woman—he knows too well the pain of a bad marriage.

WHEN AN ACTRESS CROSSES PATHS WITH AN ADVENTURER IN 1813 LONDON…

The last thing either wants is to fall in love, but when desire leads to a passion that won’t be denied, how can the heart do anything but follow?

Shannon's latest Regency Historical Romance, Paths of Desire, can be found as an ebooks, along with her Regency romances, out from Cool Gus Publishing. Shannon is a regular speaker at writing conferences, including Romance Writer’s of America’s National conference. She gives online workshops and is the author of Story Telling; Story Showing, an ebook that compliments her popular online class Show and Tell: An Interactive Workshop. She can be found online at www.sd-writer.com, twitter.com/sdwriter, and facebook.com/sdwriter.

Writers In The Storm welcomes back double RITA finalist, Kara Lennox, a.k.a. Karen Leabo.  Don't miss Kara’s writing tips the first Friday of every month.

Here are the links for Parts 1-7:

Part 1 - Your Premise Isn’t Compelling
Part 2 - How To Fix a Weak Opening
Part 3 - A Lack of Goals
Part 4 - Is Your Conflict Strong Enough?
Part 5 – Raising The Stakes
Part 6 – 5 Tips To Help Improve Your Story’s Pacing

Part 7 - Pick up the Pace

by Kara Lennox

Sometimes, I read a manuscript and think, I've read this before.

I can almost predict the next line of dialogue. There is nothing on the page to surprise and delight me.

This a tricky situation, because editors say they want new, fresh voices, but they tend to buy familiar stories. The trick is, to tell a familiar story (Cinderella, for example) in a fresh way, giving it some fresh twists. Otherwise it comes off as stale and predictable. Editors want to be able to put something "marketable" on the cover, but they don't want readers bored into a coma.

Here is one of my favorite exercises to thwart predictability. As you are working out the plot for your book (or, for you pantsers, as you are trying to figure out what happens next,) make a list of all the things that could happen next.

If your heroine has to make a decision, make a list of at least ten (or twenty) decisions she could make. You'll get four or five easily; the next five might be more difficult. When you absolutely cannot think of one more decision, look over your list. Toss out the first five, for sure. Sometimes it is number 10, 11, or 12 that you should use.

You don't want your heroine to act out of character, so be careful of that. But this exercise can help cure the plot doldrums. This exercise, by the way, was suggested by literary agent Donald Maass, but I've heard it for years, from a variety of sources. This is another good time to think, "What is the worst that can possibly happen?"

I have a writer friend who loves her characters so much, she can't bear to make them suffer. Her first drafts often have a very "ordinary" feel to them, because she doesn't fling enough bad stuff at her characters. Her critique group (me, among others) have to remind her to torture her characters in new and different ways.

Remember -- seeing a character suffer undeserved misfortunes is one way the reader connects with them. Think of poor Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon. He's skinny, weak, and he has a horrible name. He is an embarrassment to his father. He is thwarted at every turn. The girl of his dreams ridicules him (I just watched this movie tonight, and it's a perfect example.)

Another handy exercise is to think about your character, decide what is the very last thing he/she would ever do, then find a way to make them do that very thing. An oft-cited example is Indiana Jones, who will face caves full of giant spiders and poison darts without flinching, but he hates snakes. So later in the movie, he gets dumped into an underground chamber full of snakes and has to brave them to save himself and Marian.

When you force your characters out of their comfort zone, you show character growth, and that’s a good thing. Would the Cowardly Lion ever scale the Wicked Witch's castle walls to save someone? Not when we first meet him.

Most editors will tell you to err on the side of “too much” rather than “too little,” so don’t be afraid to make a daring choice, try something that’s never been done. An editor can pull you back if you’ve gone too far over the top, but they can’t fix a bland scene.

I recall judging a contest entry once that was so hilarious, I fell in love with it and I knew, without a doubt, the author would one day be published. She sold that book shortly afterward, but the final version that was in print was substantially toned down from the original (so it was more in keeping with the tone of the category romance line that published it.) The author’s daring plot decisions won over the editor, and it didn’t matter that it had to be strenuously edited. This worked in my favor once, when I was unpublished.

One of my favorite authors, Jane Graves, once wrote a love scene between two people who were inside a rickety shed with a hungry tiger on the roof. It was fresh and different, and was the highlight of a memorable book.

Look at your various plot points. Are some of them too predictable, too familiar, or too ordinary? Choose one and make a list of at least five alternative things that could happen. Do any of them jump out at you as brilliant, funny, unexpected? Can you make your hero do the one thing he swore he’d never do?

So tell us – have you ever tried this technique? What did you do to your poor undeserving character to make things worse?

In honor of Halloween, we decided to take a hiatus from the norm to tell ghost stories!  But they're all true. So sit back, enjoy, and relax . . . if you can!

Buahahahaha!

Orly Konig-Lopez

A group of us were headed to a party at a friend’s house. They lived on a country road that was quite dark at night. We were caravanning in two cars. I was in the first car but in the back seat.

We weren’t driving fast—lots of ruts in the road—but still probably faster than we should have been (hey, we were in high school.)  The second car was pretty close behind us with their brights on so the driver was swerving a bit trying to keep the headlights from blinding us.

We came around a bend, just before the clearing for the house, trees on both sides of the road, when a man walked out of the woods and in front of the car. He was wearing a baseball cap, a red shirt and jeans. He stopped and looked directly at us just as the car hit him.

Needless to say we all screamed and jumped out of the car. The guys in the car behind came running and yelling, “what happened?” They saw our car lurch to a stop but didn't see why.

There wasn’t a body under the car, around the car, no sign that anyone had crawled into the woods, nothing. The only evidence was a slight dent in the front fender.

We continued to our friend’s house but didn’t stay long. On the way home, we drove very slowly, windows up, doors locked. When we reached the same bend our headlights caught a baseball cap hanging on the limb of a tree.

Laura Drake

I was a jock in High School. Competition racing, and synchronized swimming. I was one of the few on the team who had their Mom’s car, that week before Halloween, so too many piled in after practice, after dark.

It was foggy. I’m talking thick white-out fog, when your headlights just reflect back cotton. We had all the windows open and our heads out, but I still couldn’t see the edges of the road. so two giggling volunteers sat on the hood, to keep us out of the ditch.

Fog can get spooky, smothering sight and sound. And it wasn’t just me; by the time we got to Margie’s neighborhood, we had all fallen silent. How we found her house in that soup, I don’t know.  But I had just pulled up out front, and Margie was climbing out.

A massive dark shape came out of the fog, moaning – right into my face, grabbing at me. The face was pale, bloody, and scarred. In that second, I knew I was going to die. I emptied my lungs, and my bladder.  I think several of the others did, too.

Margie’s brother thought his mask and his joke was hilarious. If I hadn’t been so embarrassed about it, I’d have made him clean the seats of my mother’s car.

Sharla Rae

Ever had a vision or premonition? When I was around 19 I still lived at home with my folks. I’d been out one evening, parked my car and climbed the stoop to the front porch. But when I pulled open the screen door to unlock the front door, I blacked out.

I didn’t exactly faint though and on some level I realized I still stood with the door handle in my hand. At first there was only a terrible dark and then I realized that I hovered on the shoulder of a dark highway.

By the light of flashing emergency lights, I saw that there’d been a bad accident involving a pickup truck colliding with a semi. Everything was very quiet and I didn’t see who was driving either vehicle. I sensed I knew someone in the accident but just that quick I was back on my front porch again.

I was weirded out and when I told my mother what happened, she was too. You see, my dad drove a pickup truck to work and his job was driving a semi that hauled gas. We couldn’t help seeing the possibilities.

My mom promised to warn dad to be careful. But a week later he was driving his semi when a drunk in a pickup caused him to swerve off the road. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Guess I’ll never know if that was because he’d been warned or if it was just a very strange coincidence.

Fae Rowen

My mother had been recovering for almost a year from a broken hip. “The worst break I’ve ever seen,” according to her orthopedist. When she completed nine months of physical therapy and “graduated” from her walker to a cane, I took her on her bucket-list trip – a cruise to Scandinavia and Russia.

My kitchen was being re-modeled and we were staying with her for a few weeks, and all we heard was, “When I get to take a bath again...” She was one week short of being cane-free and excited about being cleared to take a bath again. After fifty-one weeks of showers, which she’d never liked, she was ready for a good tub soak.

Unfortunately, she died suddenly at home in that last cane-required week. One of the things I cried about was how hard she had worked for that never-to-be-taken bath.

The morning after she died, I was awakened by a thunder in the house. Not the thunder of a storm. It sounded like Niagara Falls. Inside the house. Certain that a pipe had burst, I ran into my bathroom. All was well. I ran into the kitchen. No water anywhere. Still, the thunder of a waterfall.

I ran into my mother’s bathroom to find her tub filling, the water tap opened wide. I thought something had broken and wondered where I would find a wrench in the garage. But when I turned the handle, the water stopped. I was afraid to leave the house, in case it happened again. Obviously something was wrong with the plumbing.

The plumber arrived in a couple of hours. After tapping the wall and turning knobs he pronounced the bathroom plumbing in perfect working order.

My mother was just getting her long-awaited bath.

Just that once. It never happened again.

And in case none of those tales were scary enough, here's Jenny Hansen's husband in a truly terrifying Halloween Costume:

So now? It's your turn. Tell us YOUR scary, true story!