What Were You Thinking? Compelling Ways To Show Thoughts
by Laura Drake
Compellingly showing thoughts is a topic I don’t see addressed often, but it’s done wrong so much that it’s become a pet peeve of mine. It’s like a cheese grater on the nerves. Once you see the difference between smooth, essential thoughts and "throw away" thoughts, you won’t be able to unsee them. And that’s a good thing for your writing.
Thoughts in exposition can be wonderful – they help your reader get to know your characters and have empathy for them. They can be a great way to reveal backstory in a pow kind of way. They can also be a great way to explode a secret on the page.
Some not-so-compelling ways...
Done wrong, thoughts on the page invite skimming and that’s the LAST thing you want. There are several ways to do it wrong. Below are a few.
Italics
Yes, I know there is no rule against putting thoughts in italics. But to me, it’s distracting. Since we use italics to show emphasis, for texts, news articles, etc., that can be a lot of drawing attention. Don’t use them for thoughts, too.
Too Many Thoughts
If you’re a fan of Margie Lawson (and if you’re not, you should be), you know she suggests highlighting thoughts in yellow. Choose any one chapter in the middle of your book and highlight the thoughts.
You will be shocked at how much is yellow. Too many thoughts tend to make a reader feel trapped in your character’s head. They slow the read, which is never a good thing. I believe it’s why many readers have an aversion to first person – too many thoughts!
Unneeded Thoughts
As authors, we have a hard time judging when enough is enough. We tend to think the reader needs more information than they do.
Most importantly: This is the kind of thing that makes a reader ‘skim’ to get to the good parts.
How do you avoid this pitfall?
Example #1
We’re in the hurricane’s path. It’s a solid Category 2 now, and it could get stronger.”
I didn’t like the sound of that. “Do we need to evacuate?”
Who would like the sound of that? It’s a freakin’ hurricane! Doubly bad if you’re trying to increase tension in the scene. To increase tension—not a spare word!
Instead, tell us what we don’t know!
Example #2
This guy is a legend in his own mind. I’ve seen some crap in my days, but he dishes it by the shovelful. “I’m so impressed with your body of work, Sir.”
I’m good with diplomacy. My thoughts? Another thing entirely.
See how that last thought told you the obvious?
Done better:
“I’m so impressed with your body of work, Sir.”
And I’m even more impressed with my hyperbole super-power.
Backstory Thoughts
Backstory dumps are never good. They’re even worse in thoughts. Why? Think about it – how often do you go to bad memories in your thoughts? No more often than you have to, right? So does this sound like a legitimate thought?
He remembered the blast of an IED, during his tour of duty in Iraq. He hadn’t wanted to enlist, but the judge said it was that or jail time. Didn’t seem fair. He’d only been driving the car, and he didn’t know his drunk buds meant to rob the gas station. But there he was, sweating under a fifty-pound pack, when the blast hit, throwing him in the air.
Dump-city, right? Sure the information tells us about the character, but not in a compelling way.
Backstory revised:
Crouched behind the car, he rubbed the pain in his leg—a reminder of the IED that was the last time he’d come this close to death.
See how the above hints there IS backstory, without dumping backstory? The rest may be important about the character, but you can find places to slip in details down the road in this same compelling way.
Final Thought
Take the time to think about your character’s thoughts. I promise your writing will be better for it!
What do you think (pun not intended...)? Have you read writers who do great "thoughts on the page?" We invite you to share stellar thoughts you've written in the comments!
* * * * * *
About Laura
Laura Drake is a hybrid author of 15 Romance and Women's Fiction. Her debut, The Sweet Spot, the 2014 Romance Writers of America® RITA® award. A city girl turned Texan, she's currently working on her accent. She's a wife, grandmother, and motorcycle chick in the remaining waking hours.
Her most recent novel, For Roger, is a Jodi Picoult-esque look at the right to die. 4.8 Stars on Amazon!
Photo Credits:
- Top photo and bio pic from Laura Drake
- "Too Many Thoughts" purchased from Depositphotos
Leave a Reply
19 comments on “What Were You Thinking? Compelling Ways To Show Thoughts”
Subscribe to WITS
Recent Posts
- 10 Things Every Author Must Do to Be Successful
- Rules for Artistic License in the Information Age
- What Were You Thinking? Compelling Ways To Show Thoughts
- What’s stopping you from writing? Embracing Imperfection
- 4 Tips To Master Backstory In Deep Point Of View
I liked to see this addressed, as I use a lot of thoughts in writing when I do 1st person. I will be paying closer attention for now on. Thank you.
So glad it helped!
Interesting thoughts on thoughts! However, if not italics, how do you suggest indicating thoughts to separate them from speech. Adding 'he thought' at the end seems a bit late as the reader might have already imagined it as speech.
Thanks for reading! Thoughts are automatically separate from dialogue - because dialogue has quotes around it. Here's an example:
“Angel, we seriously don’t have room to take books we’re never gonna read.” She tossed the last bag into the truck bed, ticking off their inventory in her head. “Did you bring a can opener?”
See what I mean?
Right or wrong, I separate thoughts into two categories—thinking and reacting. Thinking, I continue to use normal font. Reacting, I use italicized font.
My novels, only two so far, only SciFi so far, feature ensemble casts and lots of dialogue. More tension is built through dialogue, instead of action. Plus I write in third person omniscient, sharing many characters’ perspectives and weaving complex, intertwining story lines (I write what I like).
When I first started, my writing suffered from “talking head” syndrome—making it difficult for readers to sometime know who’s words or who’s thoughts were being shown in a conversation. Fortunately, rules for correcting this are fairly simple, so I use due diligence whenever mixing the two in scenes.
Generally, I’ll share no more than one or two character’s “thoughts” in a scene, and then only sparingly. Thoughts, I consider to be mental calculations—e.g., “If that’s what happened, we’re going to have to make a new plan.”
“Reactions” are more “gut” responses—e.g., “Hell! We were all wrong!”—and get italicized. And, in some cases, I’ll combine them— ”Hell, we were wrong!” + “If that’s the case…..”
The most delicious aspect to showing the thoughts behind the words is showing the dichotomy between spoken words and intent. Just as actions do not always match the words, thoughts or intent can be equally different. Thus in adversarial situations, you can treat readers to a first hand look at how your character uses their words to deceive, heightening a scene.
Wow, you have a bigger brain than I - juggling omniscient and several character’s thoughts in one scene…
You brought up a point at the end I should have mentioned - it’s intriguing to the reader when thoughts and dialogue don’t match - or are opposites!
Megaselling author Colleen Hoover's "It Ends With Us" serves as an exception to "too many thoughts." Only if you do this as deftly as she, expanding and tweaking the thought, infusing it with life of its own, should you do so!
Hi Carole! She’s great at dialogue being the opposite of dialogue…
Great post, Laura! And, yep, such easy traps to fall into! (As I know well. 🙂 )
😉 Becky.
Love, love this post, Laura, and yes, imo, nixing the italics makes the read so much better. The blurb for your novel FOR ROGER really pulled me in. Blurbs are hard. Speaking of Jodi Picoult-esque, I'm currently reading her book By Any Other Name, and she's a master at inner thought.
Here's one: Bufort’s hands came down on her shoulders, squeezing. She told herself, as she did whenever it happened, that he meant nothing by it; it was just his way of showing support ... (Bufort is her college advisor, and we see that she's telling herself one thing but believes another.)
Thanks for the great advice, Laura.
You're right - she's a master (at more than just that!) Some of her lines make me stop and marvel at the beauty. Thanks!
I always need a great reminder like this. Partly to add thoughts, since in Margie-speak I am all blue. But also, to make sure I only put in the most powerful and necessary thoughts.
Yeah, yellow over here. *waves hand*
p.s. Laura -- start from the top...I just approved a few.
loved your examples. Thank you!
Check in your own writing - I'll bet you'll find more!
Really clear and helpful, Laura--sharing in my newsletter for authors!
I'm honored. Thank you, Tiffany!