by Sandy Vaile

Writing fiction that immerses readers in the setting and actions is a subtle skill that transforms mediocre narratives into memorable stories. But what kinds of descriptions make a story world feel real without slowing the pace?

In The Art of Fiction by John Gardner, he argues that appealing to multiple senses rather than just visual description draws readers into a scene more fully, and they get to experience the world firsthand, so the narrative becomes more dynamic.

Whether you're describing sweeping landscapes, epic fantasy worlds, intricate character movements or tense emotional drama, there are six techniques to create vivid descriptions without falling into dull lists.

Six powerful description techniques 

1. Replace tired clichés with fresh imagery. 
2. Engage all five senses. 
3. Avoid description dumps that slow the pace. 
4. Revitalise descriptions through movement. 
5. Choose meaningful details that add depth. 
6. Choose emotive verbs that affect readers.  

#1 Replace Tired Clichés with Fresh Imagery  

A cliché is a commonly used phrase or opinion. 

We use them all the time in life because they are a communication shortcut and others immediately understand what we mean. But relying on them in fiction comes across as not bothering to put any effort into fresh descriptions. 

Examples of Clichés 

• Cold as ice;
• Butterflies in the stomach; 
• Cut the air like a knife; 
• Lump in her throat; and 
• Black as night. 

To make descriptions fresh and meaningful, consider: 

• The underlying emotion or viewpoint.
• Making descriptions specific to the Point of View character. 
• Choosing one meaningful detail rather than multiple descriptive words. 
• How to use metaphors and similes to change existing clichés. 

Evokative Metaphors and Similes

Metaphors and similes are useful for comparing two things that are not related, creating a fresh and vivid image in the readers mind. They are symbolic likenesses to objects, actions or emotions. Aim not only to make comparisons that describe something but also let them reveal more about the character and their mood.

Examples of Fresh Descriptions 

Cliché - Instead of ‘cold as ice’ try: as cool as a tombstone under a winter’s sky. 

Cliché - Instead of ‘cut the air like a knife’ try: the atmosphere was taut like a bowstring, ready to snap and hit me in the face. 

Metaphor – Love is a battlefield. Or, That runner is a machine. 

Simile - His smile flickered like the dying light of a candle in the wind. Or, As fast as a cheetah. 

#2 Engage All Five Senses

Don’t forget to utilise all of the senses to create multifaceted descriptions. (Not necessarily all in one paragraph.) It’s easy to rely on what characters see, but when you fully immerse yourself in a scene there will be sounds, smells, textures and tastes that can add richness to the reader experience. 

Compare these descriptions:

• Lily wandered through the shadowy forest, the soil damp beneath her feet. (A dark, damp forest is realistic but it’s been done a million times before.) 
• Lilly picked her way between tall pines and over gnarled roots hiding in the forest shadows. The cool air was welcome after the burning sun and brought with it the scent of crushed pine needles and damp soil. (We’ve livened this description up by focusing on specific features of the forest and engaging the character’s sense of smell and feel, to help readers picture this forest.) 

#3 Avoid Description Dumps that Slow the Pace 

When we stop the story to include a large chunk of description in one place, it’s the same as an ‘information dump’. It slows the pace by diverting the reader’s focus from what’s going on in the story. 

While I appreciate beautiful descriptions as much as the next person, when there’s too much in one place it can weigh the story down with unnecessary images of things that aren’t important to the character or plot. By the time readers get back to the action, they might have forgotten the thrill of anticipation they’d felt before. 

This detracts from the energy of the story and is particularly problematic if it happens during a high-stakes or action scene. Effective pacing relies on balancing description with action and dialogue.

#4 Revitalise Descriptions Through Movement

It can be tempting to have characters arrive at locations, and then use narration to describe everything they see. The problem with this approach is that readers tend to lose interest after you’ve listed a few items, no matter how eloquent the prose or vivid the imagery. Worst case scenario, it sounds like a list and totally kills the pace.

Example of Listed Descriptors 

Sue surveyed the sad street with uneven paving along the footpaths, shabby houses with colourful hydrangea bushes out front and driveways filled with weeds.

Not too bad, but readers may feel like they are sitting in their living room, eyes closed, trying to picture the scene you are describing. But it’s not the same as being there and getting to see, hear and smell the street for themselves. 

Instead of halting the story to insert description and list everything they can see, it’s far more immersive when characters move through and interact with their surroundings, enabling readers to learn about the story world  organically, through the characters senses. 

Comparison of Immersive Description 

Sue wandered along the paved footpath, careful not to trip on the tangle of weeds that pushed bricks up here and there, and peered into a yard that was overrun with hydrangea bushes being strangled by kikuyu grass. It was like her childhood memories; only vaguly familiar on the surface. One tentative step at a time she followed the meandering length of an uncoiled hose that snaked along the cracked driveway, pausing to right a forlorn tricycle that had been tipped on its side and forgotten, and brushing flakes of rust from her fingers.

Putting the character in motion gives us more scope to make this description relevant to who she is and what she’s doing in the story. It invites readers into this run down neighbourhood, allowing them to experience what’s in it through the mind and senses of the character, and their perspective of the world around them.  

#5 Choose Meaningful Details that Add Depth 

When choosing which details to include in a description, consider what would have meaning to the point of view character and/or plot. 

Your descriptive choices should go further than what can be seen and:

• Reflect the story’s tone and themes. 
• Reveal character traits, personality, emotional state, motivation and past. 

Rather than randomly assigning a red dress to a character, consider her lifestyle, beliefs and preferences.

• A horticulturalist might wear a floral dress. 
• A vivacious actress might wear a red dress with ruffled sleeves. 
• A woman who is self-conscious about a scar on her arm might choose a long-sleeved dress. 

Let’s look at how we can build on a basic scene and layer in meaningful details that are indicative of the scene you want to portray. 

Example of Layering Meaningful Details   

• Let’s start with a simple description – Matthew stepped into the parlour he hadn’t seen in years. 
• Then get the character interacting with the environment - Matthew stepped into the parlour he hadn’t seen since he was a child and brushed a thick layer of dust from the surface of the coffee table.
• And add meaningful details – Matthew stepped into the parlour he hadn’t seen since he was a child and held his breath as a rush of memories and the scent of decay assaulted him. He trailed a finger through a thick layer of dust on the coffee table, leaving a river of glossy teak in its wake. 

#6 Choose Emotive Verbs that Affect Readers 

When we deliberately choose emotive descriptive words it:

• Reduces our reliance on adverbs and multiple adjectives.
• Tightens descriptions so they are immersive yet succinct.
• Supports the mood in the scene to build atmosphere.

Examples of Emotive Verbs 

• Replace adverbs with specific verbs  - Instead of she walked slowly across the room, try she sauntered across the room. 
• Choose dynamic verbs – Instead of she ran fast, try she sprinted. 
• Enhance the emotional tone - A cheerful summer day or a bleak cloud-filled sky.
• Allocate emotions to inanimate objects – The restless sea surges back and forth, or the abandoned house loomed with quiet hostility.

Transforming dull descriptions into evokative and immersive experiences that bring a story world to life requires carefully selecting meaningful details, showing characters interacting with their environment and appealing to all of the senses to create fresh and vivid imagery. 

What's your favorite example of an evocative and immersive description in fiction?

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About Sandy

Sandy Vaile is an internationally published author with decades of experience in the fiction industry, who empowers female contemporary fiction writers to plan and finish novels traditional publishers can’t resist, through fiction coaching, courses and developmental editing.

She writes romantic suspense for Simon & Schuster US and in her spare time is a motorbike-riding daredevil with a sense of adventure. She is lucky enough to live in the McLaren Vale wine region, so there are plenty of excuses for cheese platters and bubbles. 

www.fearlessprose.com 

Image by Paul Stachowiak from Pixabay, text added by Lynette M. Burrows