Writers in the Storm

by Karen Debonis

The very phrase “self-advocacy” in the context of my writing gives me shivers of trepidation. Will you follow me on social media? Read my latest essay? Blurb my book? Buy my memoir (someday), and then please, oh please, write a review?

I’ve never been good at asking for help, for anything. When my husband and I were dating in college in Washington, D.C., he had a car and I didn’t. Once, I told him I took a very inconvenient bus ride somewhere.

“Why didn’t you tell me you needed a ride? he asked.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” I answered.

“Karen, it’s me, Michael,” he said, looking at me incredulously. “Just tell me where you need to go and I’ll take you.”

Why We Can’t Ask

I’m not alone in my reluctance to ask for help, and for me, it’s a manifestation of people-pleasing. You’ve probably heard of this character trait – of people who just can’t say NO. Trust me, it’s rarely that simple.

My experience with this complicated compulsion is that the internal discomfort of potentially displeasing someone—they’ll be annoyed, they’ll think I’m pushy/aggressive/stuck-up—dwarfs the potentially negative consequences of the action: I won’t get what I need.

In other words, what others think of me has mattered more than what I think of myself.

The Game-Changing Moment

At its worst, the negative consequences of what I call “toxic agreeableness” can be devastating, and I’m an unfortunate case-study. Twenty years ago, when our pediatrician dismissed my concerns about my young son’s deteriorating health, I wasn’t able to push back. I didn’t want to appear rude or disagreeable. I didn’t want to be overbearing. I didn’t want a reputation as that mother, the troublemaker. Or, in modern parlance, I didn’t want to be a “Karen.”

Because I hadn’t yet admitted to myself how deeply imbedded my need to please was and not advocating strongly enough for my son was too shameful to admit, I rationalized. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe Matthew is just quirky. Maybe I’m wrong.

I wasn’t wrong. Turned out Matthew, eleven, had a brain tumor. And I had a head and heart full of guilt.

Because of that dark time, which was the basis of my memoir, it is now my life’s purpose to confront and overcome my people-pleasing. How else can I possibly make meaning of my story?

I’ve made progress. I can regularly ask the grocery store bagger to put the tomatoes on top. I told my writing critique group that two hours on Zoom is my limit. And recently, when my physical therapist took off her mask to give me instructions, I asked her nicely to keep it on.

Applying This Transformation to My Writing

I’ve applied my newfound assertiveness to help me face the “big asks” required of a wannabe published author. Here are the three rules that guide me:

I practice good literary citizenship.

When the recipient of my “ask” is another writer, I feel less awkward approaching them if I’ve already supported their work. I’ve made it a practice, when I read a memoir I love, to give the book a five-star review, promote it on social media, and track down the author to compliment them. In doing that, asking these authors for advance commitments to blurb my book has been almost painless.

I remember that others might welcome an opportunity to grant a favor.

My wise therapist once said that not asking for help deprives that person of an opportunity to show they care. You know how good it feels to do something nice for someone? Why not assume others will want to do that for you? Recently, I reconnected with some former neighbors when we lost a mutual friend to COVID-19. When I wrote a blog honoring our friend, I asked my neighbors to subscribe to my website to read it. I knew they’d be happy to comply, and they were.

I don’t give myself a choice.

A modicum of procrastination and hand-wringing is acceptable when I have a “big ask,” but I don’t allow myself to back down, and I don’t listen to my own excuses. Despite the discomfort, I ask.

I used this strategy when I was invited to be a guest blogger on Writers in the Storm. It was such an honor and my first thought was, “Who me?” But the big question sitting on my tongue was, “Do you pay?” It’s a question freelance writers insist is non-negotiable, but it was a tough hurdle.

I’m supposed to write for the sheer joy of it, right? Asking about payment felt like a business transaction instead of a writers-helping-writers collaboration. It felt yucky – the best way I can describe it, even as a writer. But I knew I’d never learn if I didn’t give it a shot. So, I asked.

The answer was no. And I didn’t care. The honor of my name appearing among so many experienced writers is priceless. Nobody at WITS, even the editors who make the rest of us look good, makes a dime. But the point is, I reached beyond my anxiety and posed the question. And I knew one of my first blogs would be to tell this story since it represents the personal growth my writing journey has inspired.

Speaking of growth, I’ve left you hanging about Matthew. At thirty-three, he’s made remarkable progress. Like mother, like son, he occasionally succumbs to people-pleasing, but he never settles for tomatoes at the bottom of the bag. In more ways than I can count, he’s my inspiration. 

Final Thoughts

Like any goal worth pursuing, my dream of publishing has forced me to push past my discomfort. The need to self-advocate is slowly letting the air out of my people-pleasing bubble.

This has been a fake-it-till-I-make-it endeavor. By acting like I value my self-worth as a writer, I’m gradually coming to believe it deep in my soul. And the more I believe it, the more my shivers of trepidation become flutters of anticipation.

Perhaps some day soon I will only feel anticipation when the “big ask” – will you buy my memoir – presents itself.

Are you good at "the big ask," or do you struggle like me? If you're "recovering," how did you get over it? How do you advocate for your writing? I'd love to hear what you have to say down in the comments section!

About Karen

Karen began writing twenty years ago after her eleven-year-old son was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Those early pages are now a real-life medical mystery about a mother who must overcome her toxic agreeability if she's to save herself and her son. The manuscript is currently in submission for publication.

A happy empty-nester with her husband of thirty-seven years, Karen lives and writes in upstate New York. You can find out more about her journey at www.KarenDeBonis.com.

It is an understatement to say it has been a hard several months around the world. In the face of this pandemic, many of our readers here at WITS are dragging. Many of us behind the scenes are dragging. All of us are working hard to keep our spirits up to write another day.

The Oprah quote above resonates particularly this year. We've all struggled, and we've all found unexpected strength in our struggles.

Here in the US, with COVID case counts spiking, things are feeling particularly hard. The usual Independence Day rules do not apply this year. There are no parties, no fireworks, no parades. Health officials are universal in their message: “The most patriotic thing Americans can do this year is to stay at home.” Everyone does not agree.

But this isn't a political post, this is a "how are you doing, really" post. We truly want to know.

Today we choose to celebrate YOU, our writing family online. We are blessed that you choose to spend time with us every week, every month, every year. We want to know how you are doing.

Some writers have told me they do pretty much the same thing they did before the pandemic - stay home and write. Other writers have told me their world has changed and they are fighting to make a living. Still more have told me the state of the world has plummeted them into despair.

We hear you. We see you. We absolutely believe in you, and your ability to dig deep to find your story.

But we do want to know...How are you doing? How are you really doing? Are you peaceful, worried, coping, struggling, writing, blocked, crazy, or something else? We would love to know if you are willing to share.

What are you struggling with? And what unexpected strengths have you found?

Big Hugs to YOU,
from
Your Team at Writers In the Storm

by Ericka McIntyre

So you want to write for magazines and websites…great! Writing articles can be an excellent way for authors to promote their work, build a platform, hone their skills, and get paid. How do you start? With a pitch, of course. But how do you make sure your pitches will land the way you want them to? Allow me to share with you some of the wisdom I have gleaned from over twenty years working in media and publishing, most recently as Editor-in-Chief of Writer’s Digest magazine.

After so much time on both sides of the editor’s desk—as a full-time freelancer, and as an acquiring editor – I’m confident I’ve seen the best pitches, and the worst ones. I’ve sent out both kinds of pitches in my own career too!

Here’s a list of some of the biggest OOFs! I’ve seen writers make (myself included). This list isn’t intended to shame anyone—I’m giving it to you so you can avoid making these mistakes in your career.

Know Who You’re Pitching

This one may seem obvious, but believe me, it is not. If I had a nickel for every pitch I’ve gotten addressed to “Dear Sir” or “Dear Mrs. McIntyre,” I could pay someone (well) to write this blog for me. It’s the twenty-first century and dated forms of address make you look behind the times, and possibly even sexist. Even if you mean it respectfully, it lands with a thud. Don’t assume an editor’s gender or marital status.

Do your homework.

Most publications have submission guidelines on their websites. Find them and follow them. If for some reason the editor’s information is not in these, it is simple to discover. Most of us live on Twitter and many of us give you our pronouns in our bios. Ninety seconds of Googling will usually make it clear how and to whom you should address your pitch, regardless of whether the outlet is big or small, national or local, print or digital. If you have found an editor’s email or postal address, go the extra three inches and figure out how best to address them. Those three inches can carry you miles.

Know what the outlet has published recently

This dovetails with my first point. If you have sent a pitch addressed to “Dear Sir” and it is also clear that you have no idea the kind of content an outlet publishes, the editor is going to make an assumption about you, and it is very likely going to be correct: You’re spaghetting it.

What’s “spaghetting it”? The term I made up for writers who are throwing out pitches everywhere at random to see what sticks.

Don’t do this. It’s the fast track to the slush pile. Editors want to know that you have taken the time to find out who they are, and what their publication is all about.

• For print publications, read at least six
  months’ worth of issues. Better still, read a year’s worth, or be a subscriber.
  
• For online, read at least a month’s worth of
  posts. Three months is even better.

When you pitch an editor something they’ve recently done a piece on, or something that they seem never to cover at all, it proves that you’re not a regular reader of the outlet you’re pitching. Before I query a website, I go out to the site’s search bar and type in the topic I am thinking of—usually in seconds I know if they’ve done a piece recently, and if my angle is unique enough to pitch. Or, if my topic is the right one to pitch at all.

Editors sometimes field dozens of pitches per day so it is critical that you pitch correctly. Editors don’t have time to spend more than a few minutes assessing your pitch -- why it’s good, and why you should write it. They just don’t. It’s not personal.

Make it as easy as possible for them to pick up what you’re putting down. In my freelance life, I have one cardinal rule for myself: Never make my editor’s job harder than it needs to be. It has served me well over a decade of freelancing.

Know WHEN to pitch, especially with print outlets.

For websites, content calendars are generally set only a month or so out. For print? Whoa. It can be up to a year. I would get great pitches at WD, only to have to email a writer, “I’m so sorry, but print is full for months. This would have been great for July, but July has been full since October.”

Print publications work far in advance, and with limited space. A print magazine needs to allot a significant portion of page count to advertising and regular columns, leaving sometimes only twenty or so pages for freelancers’ work. Last-minute pitches are typically not accepted.

Here’s a good rule of thumb for pitching print: Pitch at least six months out. If it’s July, pitch for February. Many print pubs actually provide their editorial calendars online, or, will let you know what they are if you ask (nicely). Do that quick web search again, and you can set yourself ahead of your competition.

It’s also important to note that while websites generally have shorter lead times than print, and more space, they still have methods for publishing, and for good reasons. If a site only does two posts per day, don’t pitch them a third. If they only post short pieces (because they know their readers don’t have the attention span for more than 500 words), don’t pitch them a 2,000-word deep dive on a topic.

Following up on a pitch (Dos and DON’TS )

So you’ve sent a great pitch—it’s addressed to the right person, the right way; it’s the right topic with the right angle; and you’ve sent it at the right time. Great! But then, you don’t hear anything back from the editor. For a week. For two weeks. For a month. Sigh.

When and how do you best follow up?

Keep in mind how many pitches editors get, and that most in-house editorial staffs these days are thinner than a sheet of paper, and know this: The editor probably very much wants to get back to you quickly, but is simply too buried to do so.

I advise waiting two to four weeks before following up on most pitches (six weeks for print). Then send a very calm, friendly, easy-going follow up. If an editor wants your piece, they’ll say so.

I do not recommend doing what I have seen some writers do: call every day; email every day; send increasingly aggressive follow-up emails; tag editors on social media (repeatedly); go down the masthead and call the sales director wanting to know why the editor hasn’t responded (seriously: DO NOT do this). An already overloaded editor will not appreciate this. At all.

Is it frustrating to put all the hard work and effort into crafting a pitch, and not even get the common courtesy of a “thanks, but no thanks,” in return? Yes, it is. Which is why, when I was in the editor’s chair, I tried to give this courtesy to everyone. But at some publications, that line about “due to the volume of requests we receive, we cannot respond to each one” is not bogus—it is completely legit. Don’t take it personally.

Do what Sinatra sang: “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.” To be successful in this business, patience and resilience are key. Make sure you hone yours.

4 Tips for a Great Pitch

Now that I’ve shared what not to do, here are four tips that will help you deliver a winning pitch:

1. If your pitch is similar to something recently done, but you feel strongly that it should still be considered, clearly delineate WHY your pitch is different. Share what sets it apart from the rest. Do you have access to experts that other writers may not? Do you have a truly unique angle on an oft-covered topic? Say so.

2. Refer to a recently-published piece you enjoyed, and tell them WHY you enjoyed it. Give specifics.

3. If you are pitching this piece to multiple outlets, say so. (Note: You increase your chances of acquisition if you are pitching exclusively.) Keep in mind, many publications will not accept simultaneous submissions. Do your homework and check the submission guidelines. Always.

4. Break your pitch down clearly for the editor. Give a headline/title, summary graph, bullet points. Give the reasons why you’re the best writer for the topic. (Are you an expert in this field? Do you write regularly on this subject?)

Further Reading

This blog really can only scratch the surface of the art of and science that is pitching. I recommend two resources for good advice on how to pitch specific outlets: Mediabistro’s “How to Pitch,” and Writer’s Digest’s “Market Spotlight.”

Do you have pitching experiences to share, from either side of the table? Are there questions you’d like to ask Ericka? Share them with us in the comments below!

About Ericka

Ericka McIntyre is a freelance writer and editor. She has over twenty years of experience working in media and publishing, for a wide array of employers and clients. She is also currently Editor-at-Large of Writer’s Digest, a 100-year-old brand serving the writing community. In her current work, she focuses on writing for a handful of regular clients, with a heavy emphasis on editing and book coaching for independent authors. She works on fiction and nonfiction, across multiple genres. She development edits, copyedits, and proofreads. Learn more about her and her work at www.erickamcintyre.com.