Writers in the Storm

I’m currently teaching my First Five Pages class at Lawson Writer’s Academy. I love helping writers strengthen their all-important openings. Joe Zarek is one of my students, and has agreed to allow me to share his ‘before and after’ first page. Kudos to him for working so hard and being willing to share his work to help others!

Here is the before:

“There shall be violence, bloodshed, and death.” The Marshal of the Field’s voice cut through the air, sharp and savage. He scanned the crowd made up of the Queen’s Royal Household, modern-day groundlings and a few goth-girls-in-waiting.

     Cheers rang forth from the packed crowds on either side of the jousting field.

     Boone smiled—Ah, mid-day May clear blue skies. Cheering crowds thirsting for blood. What’s not to love?

     A nasty sinking feeling stirred in the pit of my stomach.

     Whoa. That’s weird. Boone thought.

     I pat Henri on his firm neck and shoulders, and my eyes fall upon his head and ears.

     Henri’s standing fine, but the cock of his ears, and tilt of his head screams something’s off. But what? My eyes bounce from one side of the stands to the other. But, nothing’s out of the ordinary. Ah, it’s a horse thing. Henri’s new to jousting, and Flynn’s horse is older.

     “Come on, Henri, we got this.” I pat and rub his shoulders a little firmer.

     The Marshal signals us to come forward.

     Flynn and I ride towards one another, striking the tips of our lances together.

     “Sir Flynn, I love you, brother, but today I win the Queen’s favor,” I said, a slow grin quirked across my mouth.

     “Yes, yes, Sir Boone. You’ve said so many times before when you turn twenty-two, you shall best me.” Flynn said, a hint of mockery edging his mouth.

     “You know what else I say, Sir Flynn.” A smirk splashed across my face.

     “What’s that, Sir Boone?”

      “More jousting and less talkie-talkie,” I said, pinch-flapping my fingers.

     I lower my visor.

     “Good one,” Flynn replies, dropping his visor and bobbing his head up at me.

     We part, ride to the ends of the tiltyard, signal each other, raise our lances, and gallop towards one another.

     The massive adrenaline rush galloping, horse hooves pounding vibrate up my spine.

     We lower our lances at each other’s shield. 

     Our eyes lock.

     A smile explodes from the corners of my mouth.

     This time Flynn your mine.

     Our lances pass one another, and my eyes focus on the prize—Flynn’s shield.

     Nowhere to go now, Flynn.

     “Bwaaat”

     No, wait. What…? Was that an air horn?

     Flynn’s mount throws him.

     Blink.

     Flynn’s blazing baby blue eyes and mine both pop wide.

---

My thoughts: Great tense scene, and well done on the first paragraph; it's not easy to set the scene as contemporary while describing a joust.

I got where Joe was going with this, but there are awkward sentences, tons of dialog tags, and name repetition. Paragraph breaks convey speed and tension, but when there are more than necessary, it makes the read choppy.

It took about four pass through edits, but here is his final version:

---

St. Louis Renaissance Festival, Wentzville, MO 2020

          My horse shifts beneath me, restless. I scan the crowd made up of the Queen's Royal Household, modern-day groundlings, spectators, and a few goth-girls-in-waiting.

          All fell silent as the Marshall of the Field sauntered to the middle of the jousting arena. "There shall be violence, bloodshed, and death." His voice cut through the air, sharp and savage.

         From the packed stands, cheers ring out.

          Ah, mid-day May clear blue skies and cheering crowds thirsting for blood. What’s not to love?

          A nasty sinking feeling stirred in the pit of my stomach. I glance down at my mount. He’s standing fine, but the cock of his ears and tilt of his head screams something’s off. I scan the field, but nothing’s out of the ordinary. “Come on, Henri, we got this.” I pat his neck, not sure which of us I’m trying to convince.

          The Marshal raises, then drops his hand.

          Flynn and I ride forward, striking the tips of our lances together.

          “Sir Flynn, I love you, brother, but today I win the Queen’s favor,” my ginormous grin spreads.

          “Yes. You’ve declared that when you turn twenty-two, you shall best me. Such donkey prattle is ever amusing, Sir Boone.” His crinkling eyes mock.

          “You know what else I say.”

          “What’s that?”

          “More jousting and less talkie-talkie,” I say, pinch-flapping my fingers.

       "Good one" He deadpans.

          I lower my visor. We spin and canter to the ends of the tiltyard, then turn, raise our lances, and gallop towards one another.

          The crowd roars, and the massive adrenaline rush of pounding hooves vibrate up my spine.

          We lower our lances and raise our shields. 

          Our eyes lock.

          This time, you’re mine.

          Our lances pass close, and I stay focused on the prize—Flynn’s shield.

          “BWAAAT.” An air horn spooks Flynn’s mount. It rears, and Flynn’s blazing blue eyes pop wide.

---

See how the scene didn't change at all, but the hundred micro-edits made this scene sparkle? Every single line of your beginning is that important. Spend the time until you are happy with the word choice, cadence, clarity and emotion of every sentence.

It'll be worth it, I promise.

Do you struggle with a story's beginning? Share your questions (and your how-to lessons) down in the comments!

About Laura

Laura Drake was one of the founding bloggers here at WITS, and she has a new website! Check it out, and sign up for her newsletter.

Laura is re-releasing her small-town series, Widow's Grove, set in the Central California wine country. Her Road Home released January 7, and The Reasons to Stay releases on Valentine's Day! Check them out!

by Lisa Hall-Wilson

After launching my Deep Point of View Frequently Asked Questions series here on Writers in the Storm, I’m working my way through those questions. Today’s question is: I struggle with the mindset, how to get there and know when you’re there.

The goal of deep point of view is for the reader to feel immersed in the story, to that end, deep point of view (DPOV), works best when you eliminate the feeling of being told a story.

We don’t narrate our own thoughts or actions do we? We’re alone in our own heads. That’s the shift I call the mindset. We need to shift how we capture story. It’s the deep pov drip – like readers are on a direct drip line to what the character is thinking, feeling, deciding, learning, etc. If you can get that right, then telling often ceases to be a problem.

Are You Telling A Story Or Letting Your Character Live Out The Story?

When you, the writer, begin telling a story, the reader doesn’t feel like they’re IN the story any longer. This style is not wrong, but it adds distance and in DPOV the goal is to remove as much distance as possible between the reader and the POVC.

Quite a lot of telling in deep point of view is more properly called author intrusion – places where the author has inserted themselves in the story solely to give the reader information. It’s anywhere that feels as though the writer is now walking alongside the POVC, shushed them and turned to the reader to give them extra info, and then nods to the POVC – I’m done. Carry on.

There's Bob, Cindy's fourth boyfriend this year, but what's he done to his hair?

Can you picture it? The POVC walks into a room and sees Bob. Thinks – there’s Bob. The character knows who Bob is so wouldn’t need to explain to themselves who Bob is or give Bob context, but the writer needs to make sure the reader knows. The writer leans into the story, shushes the POVC and turns to the reader – he’s Cindy’s fourth boyfriend this year. The writer nods to the POVC – they’re clear to continue.

But there are ways to give the reader the necessary info without the writer inserting themselves into the story:

There's Bob, was he Cindy's third or fourth boyfriend this year... What's he done to his hair?

Red Flag Words That Tattle On Storytelling

Sentence construction using "when" or "and then" or "when this" and "then that" often tattles on storytelling. Instead, shift the mindset so that the character is living the story. Does that mean you should never use those words? Of course not, but they are red flags.

I was three days into my one-week vacation when the phone rang.

I walked down the street and then a dog bit my leg.

I hugged myself to keep all the emotions inside when this was the last thing I should've done.

This construction feels like storytelling. Alone in your head with your thoughts, this isn’t how you talk to yourself is it? Would you narrate your day like this to yourself?

Can you see the shift that I’m talking about? There’s no immediacy and there’s a ton of distance. The reader isn’t IN the story, but they’re being told a story. Not wrong, but not deep point of view.

This is written in real time as the character performs these actions: She didn't remember driving home or climbing into bed and falling asleep.

In this context, this is author intrusion because if the character doesn’t remember doing it, how can they tell the reader they’re doing it?

Thinking verbs are a red flag for telling. Would you talk to yourself in this phrasing as you’re performing these actions? Probably not. Rather, it feels like storytelling.

Here’s some ideas on how to fix that in the same context.

She wrestled her way out of the car, keys jangling with each stumble, begged the lock to turn, and fell into bed. (no internal dialogue, no introspection, little emotion)

She woke up and looked around. Where was she? She shut her eyes to shut out the morning sun and pressed the heel of her palm to her throbbing temple. She swallowed. Her teeth felt furry. Right... The bar. The drinking. So much drinking. But how did she get home?

Do you see the mindset shift? The telling is removed by capturing the story as the character lives it.

Provide Evidence For Emotions

Another place where the shift in mindset is important is when the writer draws a conclusion for the reader about their emotions.

Version 1:

She loved that his voice changed when he recognized her voice on the phone.

Version 2:

“Hello.”

“Hey, it’s me.” She rocked back on her heels and bit her lip. Would he know who it was?

“Shannon?”

A grin split her face and she clamped a hand over her mouth to squelch the giggle. He remembered her name! She forced her voice to remain even. “Yeah. I had fun at the dance last night so …” Deep breath. “I asked Justin for your number. Hope that’s OK?”

“I just texted Justin for your number.” He laughed. His tone warmed, got deeper and softer. “I wanted to see if you were busy tonight? If maybe, you wanted to do something?”

Is Version 1 wrong? No, of course not, but it’s not in deep point of view.

The gap between the information the reader has and the conclusion the character reaches disappears by shifting your mindset. That gap is usually bridged with telling without the mindset shift. Put the reader IN the scene as it’s happening and make sure the reader has all the information the character does when they make that decision/conclusion.  

Love is subjective and, in this case, means more than the version 1 sentence would imply it does. Secondly, we don’t narrate our own thoughts very often and very few people are able to label an emotion as they’re being swamped by it.

Let the reader draw their own conclusions, your job is to present enough evidence for them to draw the conclusion you want them to.

What do you think? In the examples above, do the deep point of view versions make you feel more like you’re IN the story?

Lisa’s 5 Day Deep Point Of View Challenge is launching again on February 10^th!! Make sure you join in on the fun and bring a friend!

About Lisa

Lisa Hall-Wilson is a national award-winning freelance journalist and author who loves mentoring writers. Fascinated by history, fantasy, romance, and faith, Lisa blends those passions into historical and historical-fantasy novels. Find Lisa’s blog, Beyond Basics for intermediate writers,  at www.lisahallwilson.com. 

by Angela Ackerman

Have you been in a situation where someone acts erratically, and not in a good way? It takes you by surprise, doesn’t it? Imagine this scenario: you’re sitting around the lunch table with coworkers and pop out a joke. Instead of a wave of laughter, one of your tablemates begins to sob. Or they jump up, shove the table, and walk out.

Your emotional response? Befuddlement (What just happened?) Guilt (What did I say?) Judgement (Wow, she’s unstable.)

It’s always a bit uncomfortable when we can’t follow the logic of cause and effect. A joke should prompt laughter, head shaking and a grin, or maybe if poorly delivered, an awkward beat of silence. These are reactions we expect.

Cause-and-effect is very important in the real world.

This sequence helps us navigate life. When we know what to expect, we know what to do.

Study for a test to pass it.

Pay the mortgage to have a safe place to live.

It also helps us know what not to do.

Drinking too much causes a hangover.

People who leave a paper trail get caught.
If I tell the boss what I really think, I’ll be fired.

Cause-and-effect helps us plan and gives us a sense of control over our lives.

Guess who else is hardwired to notice cause-and-effect? Readers.

What helps us navigate life also helps readers navigate the story. In fiction, this means paying attention to your character’s behavior. How they react to situations in the story is EVERYTHING. Their decisions, actions, and choices will tell readers what’s really important, what the character wants and needs, who to root for, and what outcome is ideal.

As authors, we want to make it easy for our audience to “read” our character’s behavior. If a reader is confused about why a character does or says something it might pull them out of the story, or they could grow frustrated or even lose interest.

So how can we always “know” how our characters will behave? By understanding them down to their bones: what they care about, who they are. What they want and fear. What they believe in. By exploring a character’s deeper layers, we learn everything we need to know to determine what they will logically do in any situation. (And knowing this?  WRITER’S GOLD. Your story will practically write itself!)

So, whether you like to plan up front or prefer discovery drafts where characters start out as more mystery than flesh, here are important factors that greatly influence how your character will behave.

Emotional Range

Every person has a baseline when it comes to emotions: reserved or expressive, share feelings openly or keep them to themselves, things like that. Characters are the same. Understanding what this looks like helps us know the difference between “typical reactions” and “escalations.” After all, conflict and friction will push the needle, causing your character to be more emotionally reactive. It’s great for the story too; emotional extremes push them out of their comfort zone, lead to missteps and mistakes, and create MORE tension and conflict.

To figure out your character’s baseline, imagine everyday situations. How do they express emotion when they feel safe and when they do not? What do everyday emotions (contentment, nervousness, joy, worry, and fear) look like for them?

Once you get a feel for how they show typical emotional responses, this serves as a baseline, and when you add a nice dose of pressure or raise the stakes, you will know what more extreme behaviors and reactions should look like. (More on Determining Emotional Range.)

Personality

Traits that make up your character’s personality steer their behavior. Take Paul Graham, a character I build using the Character Builder at One Stop for Writers. After choosing his personality traits I went through the lists of behaviors and attitudes associated with each to choose ones that fit my vision of him.

Personality traits reveal a character’s moral code, impact how they interact with other characters, how they view the world, and how they go about achieving goals. Here’s a partial screenshot of some of behaviors associated with Paul’s personality traits (via the Character Builder):

Traits that make up your character’s personality steer their behavior. Take Paul Graham, a character I build using the Character Builder at One Stop for Writers. After choosing his personality traits I went through the lists of behaviors and attitudes associated with each to choose ones that fit my vision of him. Personality traits reveal a character’s moral code, impact how they interact with other characters, how they view the world, and how they go about achieving goals. Here’s a partial screenshot of some of behaviors associated with Paul’s personality traits (via the Character Builder):

Planning Paul’s positive traits helps me see what behaviors will help him solve problems in the story, and his negative traits (especially his primary flaw) shows what behaviors and attitudes hold him back and keep him from his goal. I can also see what he must change about himself (character arc) if he is to achieve his goal. (More on Planning Personality Traits)

Backstory

We are all products of our past, and characters are too, meaning a character’s history is a huge factor when it comes to their behavior. The people in their lives before the story began acted as either positive influencers (people who taught the character to be self-sufficient, imparted knowledge, and boosted their self-esteem) or negative influencers (people who made your character doubt themselves and their worth, manipulated them, or hurt them in some way).

Both groups have taught your character how to solve problems, in good ways and bad, which will carry forward to your story.

Another huge aspect of backstory are the character’s past experiences. Good ones give them a positive outlook and worldview, and negative ones create emotional wounds. These painful negative events are transformative: who the character is before a wounding event and who they are afterward are very different. Paul’s wound was finding out his wife was not who she thought she was, and this was the fallout:

Because an emotional wound makes a person afraid that they could be hurt the same way again, they protect themselves by changing their behavior, often in negative ways that we call Emotional Shielding. These dysfunctional behaviors and attitudes are meant to keep people and situations at a distance so they cannot hurt the character. Unfortunately, emotional shielding also keeps a character chained to fear and ultimately gets in the way of what they want most. Here’s a partial list of Paul’s dysfunctional behaviors and attitudes:  

Reading through these, you can see how they are dysfunctional and will cause problems for Paul. Past hurts always reveal emotional sensitivities and fears, which influence a character’s actions.

Character Motivation

While a character enters the story with a lot of baggage and “set” behaviors, one factor can change everything: their motivation. What they want most in the story is powerful. Their goal, if achieved, can fill the hollowness inside them and erase the unmet need that keeps them from feeling happy and complete.

No matter how many hurts your character has endured, what they fear most, or how jaded they are at the world, they can and will change if it means getting what they want most. Here is a sampling of common character motivations:

A strong story goal should not be easy to obtain, and will require the character to transform their mindset and behavior to achieve it. So knowing the goal will also help you know how they will behave, especially as they grow and evolve.

Bottom line, readers want books written by authors who show authority. This authority comes from knowing a character so intimately that every action, choice, and decision rings true. Readers should have no trouble following cause-and-effect.

If you need help with seeing how all the character pieces fit together, try the Character Builder. It contains the largest character-centric database of information available anywhere and prompts you to go deeper step by step, making character building much easier.   

As a reader, does it bother you when characters behave in a way that isn’t explained? Let me know in the comments!

About Angela

Angela Ackerman is a writing coach, international speaker, and co-author of the bestselling book, The Emotion Thesaurus: A Writer’s Guide to Character Expression, (now an expanded second edition) and its many sequels. Her books are available in eight languages, are sourced by universities, recommended by agents and editors, and used by novelists, screenwriters, and psychologists around the world.

Angela is also the co-founder of the popular site Writers Helping Writers, as well as One Stop for Writers, an innovative creativity portal for one-of-a-kind tools that give writers exactly what they need to craft unbelievably rich stories and characters. Stop by and give their free trial a spin...writing can be easier! Find Angela on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.