Writers in the Storm

Lori Freeland

There are lots of different ways to start sketching in the empty page of a new scene. Dialogue. Setting. Action. Internal thought. But for me, the easiest way to get words on the page is to use dialogue—what I want my characters to say to each other—as the blueprint of my scene.  

What Dialog is Not

It’s important to note that dialogue is not a conversation your character is having with himself inside his head. That’s called internal thought. True dialogue is spoken out loud and must be set off inside quotation marks.

People can and do talk to themselves. But remember, if they’re not speaking out loud to themselves, their words should not be set off in quotes. It seems obvious, but I see this mistake a lot, especially with new writers.

They usually preface the internal thought like this—She thought to herself, “Lordy, the heat was gonna melt her arches right down to nothing.” But that’s really unspoken thought.

Not Dialogue (internal thought): Gilda made a run for it across the steamy asphalt paving the parking lot, glancing at her bare feet. Lordy, the heat was gonna melt her arches right down to nothing. 

Dialogue (spoken out loud to herself): Gilda made a run for it across the steamy asphalt paving the parking lot, glancing at her bare feet. “Lordy, the heat’s gonna melt my arches right down to nothing.” 

Check Your Work: Go back and mark places where you’ve used quotation marks where the words weren’t actually spoken out loud.

What Dialog Is

Dialogue is conversations between your characters that move the story along. If the words spoken between characters add nothing to the plot or the relationships or the character arcs, you don’t need them. Don’t write dialogue just to have dialogue.

Dialogue is real—minus the boring parts. If you’re stumbling with the way your characters talk to each other, put yourself in their place. What would you say to me if we were having a cup of coffee?

What Ruins Dialogue

Improper Punctuation

Let’s clarify an area of confusion over dialogue.

Use a comma (or a question mark if you use asked) and a lowercase letter with a dialogue tag. A dialogue tag is the word “said” or anything you use in place of “said.” We’ll come back to that later.

“You’re awesome,” she said.

“Are you awesome?” she asked.

Use a period and an uppercase letter with a beat. A beat can be an action or the way someone says something.

“You’re awesome.” She smiled and leaned closer. (action)

“You’re awesome.” Her voice rose a note too high. (how someone said something)

Side Note: Punctuation always goes INSIDE the quotation marks. This is true not only when you’re using quotes in dialogue, but when you’re using quotes to set off the importance of a word. The book was “awesome.”  

Check Your Work: Look at a few pages of your scene. Are you punctuating correctly?

Name Calling

Think back to the last few interactions you’ve had with others. Unless you were trying to get someone’s attention, how many times did you say a person’s name in the middle of a conversation?

I’m going to guess none.

So why do we write conversations where our characters do? Constant name calling doesn’t add anything to our dialogue, and it tends to annoy your reader. Read this out loud. See what I mean?

“Lucy, what are you doing tonight?”

“I don’t know, Bob, how about you?”

“Well, Lucy, I was thinking about getting a drink.”

“Take me with you, Bob?”

“Sure thing, Lucy. I’ll pick you up at eight.”

Check Your Work: Find a conversation in your scene and count how many times characters use each other’s names. Then cut them. Unless there’s a group of people talking, and you need clarity.

Avoiding Contractions

Listen to people speak. We almost always use contractions. When we don’t, it feels weird. This is true in narrative as well.

Dialogue: “I do not know.”/ “I don’t know.”

Narrative: I do not know why she ran off crying. / I don’t know why she ran off crying.

There are a few exceptions. One is when you’re trying to make a point. Imagine a father standing over his daughter after he’s picked her up from the police station at three am. “You won’t sneak out again or else . . .” carries less power than “You will not sneak out again or else . . .”

Another exception is when one of your characters is using English as a second language. People who are not native English speakers use more textbook grammar.  

Check Your Work: Look for missing contractions. Search words like “will not, would not, cannot, did not, I am, you (or they) are” and then change them. Also, read a few pages out loud. You’ll hear when you’ve forgotten to use contractions.  

Unnatural Language

Dialogue should sound natural, like the way we speak in real life. Don’t have your character speak like a scholar unless she is a scholar.

     Jean leaned across the kitchen table and studied me. “Might you be repressing your emotions when it comes to your marriage breaking down?”

     I turned away and set my coffee cup into the sink. “That is a possibility.”

     Jean leaned across the kitchen table and studied me. “So, denial’s your best option?”

     I turned away and tossed my coffee cup into the sink, not even cringing when it shattered. “Yep.”

Be real. Honor your character’s emotions and uniqueness in the way they speak to each other. Make their reactions authentic. Ask yourself if you would use the words your characters use—if not, try again.

Unclear Paragraphing

Our goal as writers is to paint a clear picture for our readers so they never have to guess or look back to know what’s going on. Or in this case, who’s speaking.

You’ve probably heard the guideline—New Speaker = New Paragraph. It’s a good guideline.  

Jerry slammed his hands on the table. “That girl just stole your Jag.”

“What?” Paul whirled around.

But let’s take that idea farther. What if we changed the guideline to—Change of focus = Change of Paragraph.

Try to keep a single character’s actions, thoughts, and words together unless they run too long, and you need to break them up for white space.

Side Note: White space is the part of the page not taken up by words. You could have the same number of words in one whole paragraph or broken into a few paragraphs and readers won’t read the first because they perceive it as “hard.” Have you noticed how much I’m paragraphing in this blog? Check your scenes and make sure lack of paragraphing doesn’t become a reason your reader puts down your book.

Going back to Paul and Jerry, our new guideline—Change of Focus = Change of Paragraph—says even if Paul doesn’t speak and only reacts, we still change the paragraph to show we’ve switched characters.

Jerry slammed his hands on the table. “That girl just stole your Jag.”

Paul whirled around.

This holds true for physical focus as well.

Jerry slammed his hands on the table. (focus is on Jerry)

Someone screamed outside the window. (focus is on what’s outside the window)

Note both Jerry and the reader are turning toward the window at this point.

Check Your Work: Read through your scene for change-of-focus paragraphing and mark places

that aren’t paragraphed for clarity. 

Not Knowing Who's Speaking

Here’s where we get back to “tags” and “beats.” If more than two people are engaged in conversation, we need to be able to easily follow who’s speaking.

You can:

• Add Simple Tags (said)
• Add Beats (what people do or how they speak)
• Add Internal Thought (but just for what the POV character is thinking)

TAGS: Tags have one purpose—to let the reader know who’s talking. Said and asked are somewhat invisible. Readers skip right over them, and they don’t interrupt the pace of the story.

We only need them if we have no other identifier.

“I love your Jag,” Jerry said.

“Birthday present,” Paul said.

Limit or cut tags that aren’t said or asked. Read the examples below out loud, and you’ll hear why. 

“I really wanted those earrings,” I whined.

“I know,” Ella cried.

 “Maybe I’ll just steal them!” I exclaimed.

A little annoying, huh? Adding adverbs to tags is worse. Read these out loud too.  

“I have to have that candy bar,” I whined loudly.

 “Fine,” Ella angrily cried.

 “Share with your sister,” I grunted meanly.

Check Your Work: Skim your pages for tags other than “said” or “asked.” Do a search for “ly” and find your adverbs. Take them out where you can. 

BEATS: Instead of using tags, use what a person’s doing or how they’re speaking to identify who they are. Using beats gives you a chance to build your characters, your story, and your setting. Use it to your advantage.

“Do you want to say goodbye to Claire,” Dad asked. (tag)

“Do you want to say goodbye to Claire?” Dad stared at the casket and then looked away. (beat)

 If you have a beat, you most likely will not need a tag. It’s liking hiring two people to do one job and can water down your dialogue.

“Kate?” Dad said, touching my shoulder, like maybe he’d called to me once or twice already, and I’d missed it. (tag and beat)

“Kate?” Dad touched my shoulder, like maybe he’d called to me once or twice already, and I’d missed it. (beat only is stronger)

Sometimes you need both for flow, but it should be the exception rather than the rule.

INTERNAL THOUGHT: What the POV character—the character telling the story in that scene if you have more than one—is thinking.

     “Top one’s veggie for Claire.” Alek slid the first pizza box off the second. (beat)

     “She went AWOL with Josh after sixth period.” After she promised she’d hang with me tonight. (POV’s internal thought)

Do you see that we don’t need the tag too?

    “She went AWOL with Josh after sixth period,” I said. After she promised she’d hang with me tonight.

Side Note on POV: The reader can only experience the world through one person at a time. As the reader, we jump into and live the story through that POV character’s head. We can only see what he sees, hear what he hears, feel what he feels, know what he knows, and think the way he would think.    

Just like there are many ways to start a scene, there are many ways to play with and strengthen dialogue. Once you dive in and nail the foundation and clarity, you’re ready to go deeper. But that’s another blog.

I hope this helps get you started. If you’re still stumbling, here’s what steers me in the right direction.   

Ask yourself, am I being authentic? If the conversation between my characters were happening in real life, what would it actually sound like? This will usually help highlight whatever’s going wrong. 

 

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About Lori

 

Lori Freeland, author, editor, and writing coach holds a BA in psychology from the University of Wisconsin and currently lives in the Dallas area. She's written numerous blogs for writers and presented at multiple writing workshops. When she's not snuggled up with her husband or worrying about her kids, she spends her days dreaming up romance and messing with the lives of imaginary people. You can find her Young Adult and Contemporary Romance at lorifreeland.com and her inspirational blog at lafreeland.com. 

 

I chose this month's first page to explain how to get close POV. I think it's due to our visual, reality based, Netflix, 3-D modern world that makes readers want an immersive read. They're used to 'being in' films, which makes it easy to BE the character. Who didn't want to be Katniss? *raises liver-spotted hand*. This makes extra work for the author. It's not easy to do. But it's a learned skill, and once you get it, you get it forever. I learn best by seeing transformations in examples, So let's dig in.

This is a compelling, emotionally fraught situation. An en media res opening. But because the reader is so distant, they're being told what's happening, which keeps them from the opportunity to  BE the character.

Thank you, brave soul, for trusting me with your work.

Black = original

Red = my thoughts/comments

Purple = text I added/altered

Willow repeatedly pressed her right foot down on the brakes. There was no resistance. Her chest tightened, she began to pant. Her steering wheel would not respond. She was going over the edge, right into the icy water. She screamed as her car flew off the road and sailed into the murky depths. Her body bounced off the steering wheel. She coughed as the air bag deployed, and fumbled for the seat belt, then remembered Rose had an emergency knife in the glove compartment. Her sister had been bugging her for months to get one. If she made it through this, she was heading for Big 5 Sporting Goods. Grabbing the knife, she cut the seat belt, and pulled herself out of the open window.

             She emerged to the surface and inhaled deeply, gasping for air. Pushing her hair back she twirled around in the water, trying to get her barring’s in the dark. She saw the lights from the shore, and swam in that direction.  Teeth chattering, she did breast strokes. Come on, you can do this. Her sister was going to goad her endlessly for this.  She stopped, treated water and wiped the salt water out of her eyes.

I'm going to rewrite this in close POV, then analyze the difference, below. Not knowing much about the setting, I'm going to make assumptions which won't be correct.

Willow slammed the brakes. The pedal hit the floor with a hollow thump that wasn't anywhere near right. She tried again. Then again, as  the December icy-waters of the Monongahela advanced. Alarm jangling, she cranked the wheel right to full-stop, but the river still expanded in the windshield. Shit. She was going in. There'd be no help; she was the only one stupid enough to be out in an ice storm. But her swelling eye care of Brad's fury made that impossible. When you decide you're finally leaving for good,  you don't check the weather first.

A scream trapped in her locked windpipe, the car took out the flimsy barrier and sailed off the road to hit the water with a jarring whomp. Remembering an NCIS episode about people trapped in a floating car, her fumbling fingers found the button and retracted the window. Frigid wind slapped her face. The car took a sickening tilt, and slushy ice water cascaded in, stealing her breath, freezing her thoughts.

Do something! 

Her heart throwing staccato, SOS beats, her numb fingers found the seat belt and released it. The car drifted, moving fast. Both banks looked a lifetime away. Shivers coursed through her, ending at her chattering teeth. Her muscles were pulled taut, but responded slow. Too slow. 

Move, before you can't. 

Kicking off her useless pretty heels, she took on the incoming waterfall, pushing off the seat, launching herself out the window. The iron band around her chest only allowing tiny rabbit breaths, she kicked for shore. She wasn't saving herself from Brad to die in a river.

Kick, dammit!

I had a couple of problems with the logistics: why wouldn't the seat belt open? I've never heard that it could be jimmied to jam. You said salt water, but unless the car was on a bluff above the ocean (you didn't  mention hitting a barrier). The beach wouldn't have posed such a problem. If it were a bridge, there would have been a retaining wall as well. So I took the liberty of making it a river (you can fix that). Also, I didn't realize it was night until the very end (lights from the shore) - remember, the reader doesn't know where they are, so you need some scene-setting at the very start, so they can settle in. Part of close POV is being aware of logistics, and what is possible. If the reader doesn't buy it, they're going to be analyzing the scene - not being in it.

Also, the reader isn't going to be invested in what happens to Willow, if they don't know who she IS (I see you nodding, Jenny). Give the reader a quick hint, so they can root for her. I added Brad, which probably doesn't follow your plot, but do you see how that makes us know something about your character - enough that we sympathize, and care that she makes it?

Okay, mine isn't great, but is it closer POV? Why? 

• Details - I made it December, in an ice storm, during the day. I named the river. Mentioned NCIS. Put her in heels. Why? it helps the reader BE there, and details can make the situation worse. I didn't spend lots of time on them (would have loved to have mentioned what she was wearing - a wool coat would make things worse, weighing her down) but can you see how details are an important key to close POV. They give the reader hints of who this person in the car is. Maybe she's in an evening gown. Or her pajamas. See how that would raise questions in the reader? 
• BE the Dude - Margie Lawson calls this, being true to the character's emotional set. I call it, Being the Dude. I've made this same mistake; it's a tense situation. You'd be panicking. Thoughts would be jumbled, broken. You wouldn't be making a note to yourself to buy a knife at the next Big 5 you passed. Heck, you're not even sure you're going to live through this! And what kind of sister would goad you when you almost died? To amp tension, use short sentences, make them jerky, use action words. What I do: I sit, close my eyes, and put myself in that car. What am I feeling? What is my body doing? What experience can I draw from in my own past to make this more realistic?
• Tie thoughts to the character's past. I don't know enough about this character to do that, but think about it. If you're dying, what would you regret? Who would you think of? Let's say she is competitive with her older, almost perfect sister. Would she regret wasting all that time on useless competition, when she should have spent the time loving her closest relative? The thoughts would have to be short, not more than a sentence, but they can be a powerful way to slip in backstory, and tempt the reader to keep going. What if she had a secret? Would she wish she'd have told someone, or be glad that if she died, no one would ever know?

If you want to learn more about Close POV, WITS has several blogs on the subject:

Determining a Character's Emotional IQ

Becoming Your POV Character

Keeping Your Entire Scene in Deep POV

Layering Emotion of Deep POV 

Showing Deep POV in love

What say you, WITS readers? How to you convey tension? Have any other close POV tips for us?

ABOUT LAURA:

Did you know that Laura does craft podcasts? They're short, dorky fun, shot in different locations, and usually include a rant. You can check them out on her website: HERE

Lisa Hall-Wilson Last week at WITS I wrote about writing deep point of view using layers of emotions and I promised this week to share about writing love in deep point of view. If you missed last week’s post, make sure you check it out. Let’s recap for a moment. A secondary emotion is our thinking response to primary (instinctive, unthinking) emotions. A secondary emotion could be triggered by one or a dozen primary emotions, and that blend will be unique for every character in every situation. In deep point of view, it’s vital to understand the why of an emotion. Why is your POVC attracted to that other character? What need or desire are they trying to ease or fill? What emotions (or mix of emotions) is fuelling that feeling of love?

“I opened the door and there he was. It was like I was a magician and had thrown aside the curtain to show my lovely assistant. The sight of him caught my breath in my throat.”

Laurel K. Hamilton, Blue Moon

When it comes to love there isn’t a one size fits all kind of love, is there? It’s nuanced and varied, the relationships don’t all have to look the same or be founded on the same primary emotions. The Greeks have/had 7 words for love:

Eros – erotic-sexual love

Agape - selfless, sacrificial love

Ludus - playful love, overt flirting/teasing/seduction with no strings attached

Philia - deep friendship, platonic and sincere

Pragma – standing in love (as opposed to falling in love) the longstanding practical love as shared by a couple married for a long time

Philautia - self-love – could be meant in an narcissistic way, or in the way of taking care of yourself enabling you to better love others

Storge – familial love as between parent and child

I would guess there’s a lot of books out there that focus on ludus moreso than eros or even pragma. So, let’s reframe how we think about writing love. All too often, what I see from beginning writers is something like this:  

Love flooded Steve’s chest every time he looked at Melissa.

In deep point of view, we want to avoid naming emotions. Here’s why. Does this tell us anything about Steve’s character? Or Melissa’s? Do we know in what way Steve loves Melissa or with how much intensity Steve feels this emotion? Do we understand why? No. Writing love like this draws conclusions for our readers and in deep point of view we want to give evidence or proof of an emotion and let the reader decide what emotion is being felt. Telling your readers that your character is in love is a wasted opportunity to show characterization and emotional arc for readers. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, love is very individual and subjective. Help readers understand the emotions fueling your character's love—hand the reader the virtual reality headset. Show readers what qualities and characteristics your character is in love with, show what love feels like to that character. That’s the goal with deep point of view. Some fall in love because they’re looking to be understood, others are seeking security or confidence, humility and simplicity, someone comfortable in their own skin, someone with similar values.

“It made more sense that way because when they weren’t together … well, Holly just felt as though she was missing a vital organ from her body.”

Cecelia Ahern, P.S. I Love You

Let’s have another try at why Steve loves Melissa.

Steve shook his head and smiled at the over-filled backpack Melissa wore, likely filled with every textbook assigned to every class, and more paper and pencils then she could ever need. She turned, scanned the room, and then shot up to her tiptoes and waved at him. His chest filled with warmth. The heat spread through his whole body until sweat broke out on his brow. Didn’t she know he’d been watching for her? He’d always look for her until she was beside him again.

So, which primary emotions are at play here? Seeing Melissa filled Steve with adrenaline, hence the racing heart and sweating. This could be excitement or anticipation. Happiness is also in the mix and security or safety—Melissa isn’t someone who likes surprises clearly. She’s prepared for anything. Those instinctive, unthinking emotions force Steve to DO something so he’s waiting and watching for her to enter a room. Steve could’ve commented on her hair or body, on how smart she is, how she fills in the gaps where his own introversion and social awkwardness work against him – I could continue coming up with theories. This is what love looks and feels like to Steve. Knowing why Steve loves Melissa shows readers what’s important to him, how he values others, the gaps or weaknesses in his own character he’s looking to shore up in a partner, etc. Readers see what’s important to Melissa through what Steve is drawn to. Aim higher than just communicating to readers that your point of view character is in love. Use love to show readers why your character is in love, why they’re in love with that person and what that feels like. This helps readers made their own decision about what the character is feeling through what they’re attracted to, what they value in others, and what they’re seeking more of in their life. Did you get my free PDF on the body language of attraction? July 1st is the release of Method Acting For Writers: Learn Deep Point Of View Using Emotional Layers. Subscribe to my blog or follow the Confident Writers page on Facebook for more details. The body language of new love is very similar to the body language of attraction: sweaty palms, leaning in, touch, open body posture, change in tone of voice, puffed out chest, preening, eye contact, smiling, etc. Most writers seem to instinctively understand this body language—just be sure to capture the why for readers.

Ever watched the body language of a couple who’ve been together for a long while? It’s different, right. What body language cues might you observe between long-together couples?

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About Lisa

Lisa Hall-Wilson was a national award-winning freelance journalist and author who loves mentoring writers. Fascinated by history, fantasy, romance, and faith, Lisa blends those passions into historical and historical-fantasy novels. Find Lisa’s blog, Beyond Basics for intermediate writers,  at www.lisahallwilson.com.