Writers in the Storm

I'm trying a new series here on WITS, where I'll crit a submitted first page. More on how to get your work considered below. In the meantime, let's jump right in!

I believe we learn best, by example.

The following is from a brave WITS follower who agreed to go first ~ Dilly dilly to her/him!

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It’s still dark outside and I’m pretty sure my body hates my brain right now. This is a repeat, and I think you say it better, next. Say it once, say it well! My brain says it’s time to get up, but my body isn’t convinced. In the end, my brain wins the battle. I shut off the alarm and sit on the edge of the bed. The dog rolls over and buries her head under my pillow. Her body wins the battle. Your reader gets it before you think they do. I think it’s funnier, just with this last sentence.I don’t think her brain even got involved.

I drag myself into the bathroom and turn the shower on, cranking the valve all the way to the left. Standing against the back wall, I reach out and test the temperature of the stream with a couple of fingers. Why does it always take so long to get hot water in here? This is Arizona and it’s July. Getting cold water should be a problem. Ah . . . finally. See below

The warm water feels good as it flows over my waking muscles. Now I don’t want to get out, but I know I have to. I dry off and comb my hair. Why am I bothering? I’m just going to put a cap and a helmet on anyway. I skip the hair-gel and just brush my teeth. See below

Stepping into the closet, I pull a pair of black bike shorts off the shelf. I only have black bike shorts—any other color would be wrong. The jerseys are a different story. I run my hand over the large selection hanging in front of me. Unlike the shorts, I don’t own a single black jersey. This is telling, and you show, next. Showing is almost always better. Most of them are bBright colors and patterns, some to the point of being obnoxious. Loud jerseys make people notice me. I like it when people notice me. See how the next sentence shows this? It makes them much less likely to leave a set of tire tracks up my back.

This morning We know. I pull on my Arizona flag jersey. The bright sunrise pattern seems appropriate for this time of day. Is it supposed to be sunrise or a sunset on the flag? I never thought about it before. I guess it doesn’t really matter. If it doesn’t matter, why mention it? I choose a pair of riding socks that match the jersey and head out to the kitchen. Now that food is a possibility, the dog slips off the bed, stretches, and follows me down the hall.

Overall:

I’m a bicyclist, so I love the subject! You have a familiar, cozy voice, and I settled right in.

Little stuff:

I’d have loved to know what breed the dog is – why? It shows me how big it is, long hair, short hair, etc. I need a hint, so I can picture it.

You show, then tell, and repeat. Trust your reader to get it. Readers like when everything isn’t laid out for them – Example: The sunrise pattern – they’ll get why it’s appropriate.

Big stuff:

Readers nowadays are impatient. You don’t have a ton of time to hook them – maybe 5 pages. This is one fifth of that, and all we know is she rides a bike, has a dog, and does the same routine things in the morning that we do.

Put that way, does that hook you? Don’t waste time in the critical first pages, telling us things we could guess (the shower takes a long time to heat, etc.) You spend two critical paragraphs on a shower. 

Instead, make your first page do double-duty: slip in one thing that’s going to be critical to the story – raise questions in the readers’ minds. Is the character quirky in some way? What does she want (which, of course, she can’t have, right?) Who IS she? See how your first page doesn’t even hint at that?

What am I talking about?

Character. Conflict. Stakes. Goal. Motivation.

That’s what hooks readers.

I’m not saying this is bad – it’s not. But it can be so much more!

What do you think, WITS readers? Do you agree? Is this a subject you'd like to see more of?

I have so many submissions, it'll take a while for me to work through the ones I have now. I'll send out a call for submissions when I do! Thanks to those who sent them!

About Laura

Laura Drake is a city girl who never grew out of her tomboy ways, or a serious cowboy crush. She writes both Women's Fiction and Romance.

She sold her Sweet on a Cowboy series, romances set in the world of professional bull riding, to Grand Central. The Sweet Spot won the 2014 Romance Writers of America^®   RITA^® award in the Best First Book category.

Laura began a video blog for writers, answering their burning questions. You can watch all the episodes HERE. If you have a question you'd like her to address in a future episode, leave her a comment!

Did you know Laura teaches craft classes? Check out her upcoming ones, both online and in person, HERE.

Margie Lawson

There’s a lot of commotion about getting emotion on the page, but getting it right is tricky.

Most writers do a great job getting in their POV character’s head, telling how they process emotions. Writing thoughts.

But most writers aren’t great at sharing their POV character’s physical reactions, showing how they experience emotions physically. Writing visceral responses.

Visceral responses. That’s what this blog is all about.

You may be wondering, what is a visceral response?

Margie’s Definition of a Visceral Response:

A visceral response is an immediate, emotionally triggered, involuntary physical response anchored in the body experienced by the POV character.

1. Immediate
2. Emotionally triggered
3. Involuntary
4. Physical, anchored in the body
5. Experienced by the POV character

Visceral responses are always immediate. An emotional stimulus presents, and a visceral response happens within a picosecond. Picoseconds are fast. Wicked fast. One-trillionith-of-a-second fast.

Hmm…  Visceral responses are immediate. What does that mean for the writer?

An emotional stimulus presents. BOOM.

If you give your character a visceral response to that emotional stimulus, the visceral response usually needs to be the next thing on the page.

There are exceptions. If the POV character has had some kind of special forces training, they may have had biofeedback. If the POV character is in shock, on occasion you may give them a delayed visceral response. You’d need to share that they’re numb.

But when a huge emotional stimulus presents, most of the time you’d be smart to give your POV character a visceral response. You’ll make the scene more credible.

And you’ll have fun writing visceral responses in a fresh way.

Beware:  Clichéd Visceral Responses

Avoid overused phrases. We’ve read them too often. They’re boring. Predictable. Skimmable.

You don’t want to write anything that invites the reader to skim.

Enjoy these examples from my Immersion Master Class grads. They wowed me, and I bet they’ll wow you too.

I’ll Deep Edit Analyze the first seven examples.

My Soul to Keep, Kennedy Ryan, Immersion Grad

He leaves behind a silence so heavy I’m suffocating under it. It smothers me, sits on my face, blocks my air, squeezes my throat.

Deep Edit Analysis

Power Words: leaves, silence, heavy, suffocating, smothers, blocks, squeezes

Rhetorical Device: Asyndeton – No and after last comma. Makes it more imperative.

My heart has atrophied in my chest. A muscle that has forgotten how to work, it doesn’t bother beating. I’m not ever sure it’s pumping blood.

Deep Edit Analysis

Power Words: atrophied, forgotten, doesn’t bother beating, not pumping blood

Compelling Cadence

 

Like Father Not Son, Kristin Meachem, 3-time Immersion Grad

My stomach hardens into day-old gum.

Deep Edit Analysis

It’s a simple line written in a fresh way. And it feels true. Compelling Cadence too.

My heart kicks at my chest, not a scared beat, but a fight-through-the-pain beat. A beat that for once has nothing to do with Sophie.

Deep Edit Analysis

Power Words: kick, scared, fight-through-the-pain beat, Sophie (because the reader knows Sophie is dead)

Hyphenated-Run-On: Always an opportunity to write fresh.

Compelling Cadence

 

Merlin’s Children, Becky Rawnsley, Immersion Grad

Blood rushes in my ears and everything recedes, as if I’m caught in a riptide and dragged out to sea.

Deep Edit Analysis

Power Words: blood, rushes, recedes, caught, riptide, dragged

Rhetorical Device: simile, amplified

Compelling Cadence

Terror kicks inside my chest. Adrenaline-dumping, heart-pumping, cliff-jumping terror.

Deep Edit Analysis

Power Words: terror, kicks, adrenaline-dumping, heart-pumping, cliff-jumping terror

Rhetorical Device: Assonance (rhyming vowel sounds)

Compelling Cadence – Carries a powerful punch!

My heart vrooms hard against my ribcage, a single jolt like a defibrillator’s high voltage shock. Something very strange is happening here. Adrenaline courses through my body, my muscles primed to fight or run-like-hell. Whatever this is, I want nothing to do with it.

Deep Edit Analysis

Power Words:  heart, hard, jolt, defibrillator, voltage, shock, strange, adrenaline, muscles, primed, flight, run-like-hell

Rhetorical Device: Onomatopoeia – vrooms

Rhetorical Device: Simile -- like a defibrillator’s high voltage shock

Rhetorical Device: Structural Parallelism -- primed to fight or run-like-hell

 

Angel Falls, Babette De Jongh, Immersion Grad

• My guilty conscience pounced, landed in my stomach, tried to claw up my throat.
• My throat tightened as if he’d grabbed it with his long fingers and squeezed.

Threaded Visceral:

• My heart did a crazy little twirl that ended with a splat on the sidewalk in front of me.

Two Paragraphs Later

My heart ooched back into my chest and collapsed.

 

P.R.I.S.M., Fae Rowen, 2-time Immersion Grad

• Electricity shot through him like he’d put his foot on a hot wire.
• Her heart beat harder than it had anytime during the Battle.
• Her jaw locked on words she couldn’t utter. The ground slanted and her knees seemed to melt.

Pursued, Megan Menard, 5-time Immersion Grad

• Dread sent snakebite shivers up my legs, up my spine, to the tips of my fingers. My heartbeat tanked and I forgot to breathe.
• Heart stopped, breathing stopped, world stopped.

Esther Scott’s Grand Adventure, Megan Menard, 5-time Immersion Grad

Watching that man move made Esther’s heart do that new dance the fitness lady showed her. Her breathing did the whip, her stomach did the “nae, nae.”

Of Kings and Crowns, Brynn Spears, Immersion Grad

• A primal warning skitters up my spine.
• My stomach churns like a shallow sea hit by a strong storm.
• And though my heart thrashes against my ribs, screaming for me to run, I stay rabbit-facing-the predator still.

More Than a Kiss, Brynn Spears, Immersion Grad

• Her heart pounded as if it tried to rattle the letter tucked in her corset.
• Heat crawled up her neck and into her cheeks with the slow, slinking pace of a shamed dog.
• The people, the conversation, the noise . . . They twisted his stomach into a knot that not even a sailor could dream of making.

Three Days Missing, To Be Released 6/26, Kimberly Belle, 4-time Immersion Grad

When she learns her son is missing:

I respond with legs of jelly and lungs of concrete, no air moving in or out. My skin goes hot and my blood goes cold and my vision goes blurry with tears or lack of oxygen or both. Something sharp and biting tears into my stomach, doubling me over at the waist.

Seven lines later – A Visceral Recovery

• I lurch upright, my breath returning with a series of choked sobs.
• My body goes hot like a furnace, and my eyes sprout instant tears.

Twelve lines later --

Whatever she says next, I can’t hear it over my own sobbing. Big, ugly sobs that burn in my chest and convulse my body like a seizure.

Eight lines later –

The tears are still flowing, my hands are still shaking, and my lungs can’t quite suck enough air.

 

Wow! I’m so proud of these Immersion Grads and their stellar writing.

Wish I could share more teaching points and more amazing examples with you all. But I can’t cram all the teaching points and examples from 200+ pages of lectures into a blog.

If you want to learn more, drop by my website – www.margielawson.com --  and check out the lecture packet for Visceral Rules: Beyond Hammering Hearts. You’ll learn lots more deep editing tips and techniques for making your writing strong. You’ll learn how to power up emotion and get it right on the page.

A BIG THANK YOU to all the wonderful WITS gals. I always have the best time with your blog guests!

THANK YOU ALL for dropping by the blog.

Please post a comment or share a ‘Hi Margie!’ Let us know which examples you wish you’d written. Post something of your own -- and you have two chances to be a winner. You could win a Lecture Packet from me, or an online class from Lawson Writer’s Academy.

Most of my courses are 250+ pages long. Each course is loaded with deep editing techniques I developed, as well as lots of stellar examples, dig-deep analyses, and teaching points. Please drop by my web site and check out the full line-up of courses offered by Lawson Writer’s Academy.

Lawson Writer's Academy – March Courses (click the LWA link to sign up!)

1. Empowering Characters' Emotions
Instructor: Becky Rawnsley, teaching Margie Lawson’s course  

2. Editing Magic: The 10K 
Instructor: Lori Patrick

3. How to Write a Novel in Evernote 
Instructor: Lisa Norman

4. Diving Deep Into Developmental Edits 
Instructor: Rhay Christou

5. Virtues, Vices, and Plots 
Instructor: Sarah Hamer

6. Revision Boot Camp or Revision Retreat
Instructor: Suzanne Purvis

7. The BrainMap: Create Intricate Plots and Unforgettable Characters 
Instructor: Shirley Jump

Post a comment. Let me know you’re here.

I’ll draw names for the two winners Thursday night, at 9PM Mountain Time, and post them on the blog. And – I’d love it if you’d give the blog a social media boost. Thank you.

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About Margie

Margie Lawson —editor and international presenter – teaches writers how to use her psychologically-based editing systems and deep editing techniques to create page turners.

She’s presented over 120 full day master classes in the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and France, as well as taught multi-day intensives on cruises in the Caribbean.

To learn about Margie’s 5-day Immersion Master Classes (in 2018, in Phoenix, Denver, San Jose area, Dallas, Yosemite, Los Angeles (2), Atlanta, and in Sydney, Melbourne, Bellbrae, and Coolangatta, Australia), Cruising Writers cruises, full day and weekend workshops, keynote speeches, online courses through Lawson Writer’s Academy, lecture packets, and newsletter, please visit: www.margielawson.com

By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

A few years after I published my third novel (Darkfall), I'd fallen into a dark time in my writing. I'd been working a one of those books that did not want to work the way I felt it could, and I'd come to dread sitting down at the keyboard every day. Writing was no longer fun.

With sad relief, I'd set the manuscript aside and worked on a non-fiction project I'd been wanting to do (my very first writing book, Plotting Your Novel: Ideas and Structure). I fully intended to return to fiction afterward, expecting my dread of the novel to have passed by then.

It hadn't.

I'll be honest--it was terrifying. I'd written my entire life, and I couldn't imagine not crafting another novel again. But every time I tried to write, all the old stresses and fears came back and I avoided the keyboard. It wasn't that I couldn't write, I just didn't want to write.

I'd lost my mojo.

I'll spare you all the soul-searching and frustrations I went through during that time, and skip right to the part that helped me get over it.

I wrote a book "just for fun."

It was an idea my husband had come up with years before, but a book that was in a different market and genre (adult urban fantasy) than what I usually wrote in (teen fantasy). I'd started it once or twice as a young adult novel, but it had always fizzled out after a few chapters. This time though, I'd looked at it objectively and chose the best route for it, even if that path led through unfamiliar territory. It didn't matter if I'd never written an urban fantasy before--if it was "just for fun" who cared if it was terrible?

As luck would have it, this decision happened right before NaNo (National Novel Writing Month), so I figured, "What the heck? Let's do this as a NaNo novel and see how much I can get done."

Thirty days later I had over 60,000 words written and most of the first draft of a novel.

Aligning with NaNo was a lucky break for me, but it wasn't the reason I'd written so much. It was my decision to write the book for fun and not worry if it ever got published. I wasn't going to show it to my critique partners, I wasn't going to send it to my agent. It was for me and me alone, even though I was writing it for my husband (he didn't get to read until much, much later, and that's a bit of a funny story itself).

Here are three reasons writing for fun gave me back my writing mojo:

1. It reminded me why I loved to write in the first place.

Before I was published, writing was fun. I had dreams, but no deadlines. I had excitement, but no expectations for the next novel. I had no pressure but what I put upon myself. Writing a novel I didn't plan to show a soul freed me to do whatever I wanted. I made cheesy pop culture references. I swore (something I didn't do in my teen novels). I wrote in-jokes and silly exchanges no one but my husband would ever get.

But most of all, I laughed the whole time I was writing it. I enjoyed myself and ignored all the things that I'd have stressed over had this been a "real" novel.

2. It let me stretch creatively.

I'd read urban fantasy all my life, but I'd never tried to write it. Writing in the "real world" had always been intimidating, because there were actual rules and laws and making everything up was just so much easier. But mixing the real and the unreal was a challenge I had fun with. It allowed me to explore themes and characters unavailable to me as a kidlit author. It also let me pursue a stronger mystery story arc than I'd ever done before, so it was like having two new genres in one. And I loved it.

3. It reset my writing focus.

The more I wrote, the more I realized (and accepted), that a writing slump was just my brain's way of telling me I'd needed a break. I hadn't "used up" my only good idea or all my talent. I'd gotten caught up in the end game and forgotten that first draft was about discovering the story, not publishing the book. As soon as I'd shifted back to writing for the joy of the story, writing became fun again.

If your dream is to publish, it's easy to get sidetracked by the need to be productive and lose sight of the need to create, or the need to have fun. So here are three reasons YOU should write a book just for fun:

• It's good to shake up the creative engine once in a while.

Every book taps into your creativity, but always doing the same thing can get stale after a while. It's easy to inadvertently repeat yourself or fall into familiar patterns, and even when those patterns are good, they're still the same old same old. Shaking up your writing is like dying your hair a new color, or buying those funky shoes, or playing a sport you've always wanted to try. It changes your perspective and gives you new insights.

• It lets you try something new without consequence.

A just-for-fun book lets you try new genres and styles without risking your brand. Your romance series won't be affected by that political thriller that's been nagging at you to write. Your middle grade contemporary won't have to worry about that erotica novella that's keeping you up at night. If a different genre doesn't work, no one has to know but you. And if it does work, you get to decide how to proceed. Maybe that just-for-fun book is a great way to launch a pseudonym and test a new market.

• You never know where a just-for-fun book might lead.

I hear story after story from writers who tried something new, or took a chance, or had an idea they couldn't shake that was so not what they normally write, that turned into their best-selling novel or the novel that got them an agent or publishing deal, or the book that made them realize they ought to be writing X instead of Y and they've never been happier.

My own just-for-fun novel grew into my recent release, Blood Ties. It's proof that you never know where an idea might take you. This book went from a funky "what if?" idea to a way to get over my writing slump, and now I have multiple books planned for a series I never dreamed I'd write. It has taken me and my career in a new and exciting direction, and I'm a stronger author now because of it.

We put a lot of energy into our writing and our careers, and once in a while it's a good idea to take a vacation from the norm. Even a just-for-fun short story or novella can have positive benefits. It's not the size of the story that matters, but how much fun we have writing it.

Just like Mom used to say: "Try it, you might like it."

Do you have a just-for-fun idea? Have you ever written a book with no expectations of publishing it? What were the results?

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About Janice

Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. She also writes the Grace Harper urban fantasy series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy. When she's not writing fiction, she runs the popular writing site Fiction University, and has written multiple books on writing, including Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It), Plotting Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, and the Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft series.

Website | Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest | Goodreads | Amazon | Barnes & Noble | iTunes | Indie Bound

 

About Blood Ties

On the run from beings that can’t possibly exist…

Grace Harper has spent her life on the run, ever since her mother’s unnatural death at the hands of creatures that shouldn’t be real. It’s hard to believe in vampires, but the things chasing her fit every legend she’s ever heard. She dubs them “Pretty Boys,” though their beautiful faces hide ugly appetites.

For twenty years, she and her father have stayed ahead of them, but for the last five years, their lives have been quiet. Grace has found a home, a life, and people she could even care about. She thinks the nightmare is finally over, but then a man shows up asking questions about a missing woman who’s somehow connected to her and her mother. He might also have answers about her mother’s death, if she’s willing to take a risk.

Before she can decide, she’s attacked by a Pretty Boy and barely escapes. If the Pretty Boys have found her, it’s time to run. Reluctantly, she prepares to abandon her life, possible answers, and the only friend she’s ever had.

Until they take her father.

Fleeing is no longer an option. To find him, she must face ancient secrets, creatures from legend, and an unbelievable truth that will shatter her world. But to save him, Grace has to do the hardest thing of all: stop running and start fighting.