Writers in the Storm

Margie Lawson

KUDOS to Fae and Laura and Orly and Jenny. WITS is THE BEST!

 Ready to dive into a deep edit of a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author’s work?

Susan Donovan. Published by St. Martin’s, HQN, Amazon, Kensington, and Berkeley. Twenty-four novels and novellas, translated into dozens of languages. Two-time RITA Award finalist. Take A Chance On Me -- named Best Contemporary Romance of 2003 by RT Book Reviews magazine.

Susan attended a 4 ½ day Immersion Master Class I taught in New Mexico in March. Her writing wowed me. Her talent awed me. But as much as her writing impressed me, deep editing took her prologue from really, really strong to OMG stellar.

The other writers in this class of five were all Immersion-Grads. They’d already attended at least one Immersion. This class included RITA winner and WITS own Laura Drake, as well as RITA winner and NYT bestseller Darynda Jones. No slackers there.

Susan gave me permission to share how we deep edited the prologue for her current work, Under a Mason-Dixon Moon. I’ll show you the beautifully written prologue she brought to class, deep edit suggestions from my first and second passes, and the final made-us-proud prologue.

Under a Mason-Dixon Moon, Prologue

First Version, 166 words:

A lone shotgun blast cracked open the dawn. From her second-story window she watched the blue-black crows swoop across the stubbled cornfield in search of safety, finding refuge in the Sycamore branches reaching over the farm lane like the gnarled fingertips of old lovers.

The blast rolled across the Maryland countryside and vanished somewhere over the Mason-Dixon line. A hush fell over Coldspring Farm once more.

She had resigned herself to the truth of this place long ago. The land was fertile but reeked of death, the stone and mortar dignified but rotted through with lies. And now, with that gunshot, there was no one left. No eyes would ever seek the beauty beneath the despair here, and no lips would tell Coldspring's story.

Her story.

She would linger here, endlessly lonesome, waiting for her love to turn to dust and her secrets to decay in time with the floorboards, the transoms, and the walls.

It would be as if she had never existed at all.

 

Boom.

Feel that power?

I told you Susan’s writing wowed me.

Power Words

In Margie’s world, power words are words that carry psychological power. Sometimes word pairings or phrases.

Lone, shotgun, blast, cracked, search, safety, refuge, lovers, blast, vanished, Mason-Dixon line, hush, fell, resigned, truth, fertile, reeked, death, dignified, rotted, lies, gunshot, no one left, beauty, despair, endlessly lonesome, waiting, love, dust, secrets, decay, never existed

Susan loaded her 166 word prologue with 32 power words/phrases.

No wonder that prologue carries so much power.

What else did she do right?

Fresh writing.

Strong visuals.

Strong cadence.

Oriented the reader with Mason-Dixon line

Rhetorical Devices: alliteration, simile

Now we’ll look for ways to make that prologue even stronger, one paragraph at a time.

First Paragraph:

A lone shotgun blast cracked open the dawn. From her second-story window she watched the blue-black crows swoop across the stubbled cornfield in search of safety, finding refuge in the Sycamore branches reaching over the farm lane like the gnarled fingertips of old lovers.

YELLOW – open – Not needed. Stronger without.

GREEN – stubbled – Love that fresh word, and it supported the alliteration. But it didn’t work for me there. Association: beard. Pulled me out of the story.

BLUE – gnarled fingertips – Fingertips can’t be gnarled. Fingers are gnarled.

I know. Picky, picky.

But the cool thing is, when we nix TIPS, we create structural parallelism.

…the gnarled fingers of old lovers.

Hear the beats? It’s more pleasing to the ear.

The first paragraph only has two sentences. That second sentence is beautifully lyrical, and long. It’s 36 words long. That’s dachshund-esque l-o-n-g. I recommended making it two sentences.

Second Paragraph:

The blast rolled across the Maryland countryside and vanished somewhere over the Mason-Dixon line. A hush fell over Coldspring Farm once more.

YELLOW – We decided to nix blast, and use gunshot. More emotional power.

GREEN and BLUE – Susan changed – A hush fell over – to – A hushed sorrow slipped over Coldspring Farm once more. More emotion with sorrow. Alliteration with sorrow slipped.

Third Paragraph:

She had resigned herself to the truth of this place long ago. The land was fertile but reeked of death, the stone and mortar dignified but rotted through with lies. And now, with that gunshot, there was no one left. No eyes would ever seek the beauty beneath the despair here, and no lips would tell Coldspring's story.

So beautifully written, but it could use more specificity. The reader needs to know more. I asked Susan to dig for the truth, to share her POV character’s truth in that moment in the scene.

Susan said that her character needed someone to help her uncover the truth.

That paragraph was rewritten. You’ll read it soon. Here are the last two sentences of the third paragraph:

She was alone now. There was no one to help her.

Plain writing. Just what was needed. Now the reader gets her truth.

In writing, clarity rules.

Fourth Paragraph – moved down to become the new fifth paragraph, two words:

Her story.

It is her story. But the word story didn’t share enough emotion. We changed it:

Her truth.

Big-time stronger!

Fifth Paragraph:

She would linger here, endlessly lonesome, waiting for her love to turn to dust and her secrets to decay in time with the floorboards, the transoms, and the walls.

NYT writing! Endlessly lonesome – practically made me swoon.

But I asked Susan what she really meant about the secrets. I learned that she thought the reader would pick up a message that I didn’t get. Here’s her revised fifth paragraph:

No eyes would ever detect the horror trapped in this once-loved house. No hands would recover the secrets still lodged in its wood and stone. No lips would ever speak the truth of Coldspring.

Now I get it. She’d buried her secrets in the wood and stone.

I bet Margie-grads noticed the rhetorical device she used in that paragraph. It’s anaphora. No eyes would… No hands would… No lips would… Compelling cadence.

The last paragraph of the first version:

It would be as if she had never existed at all.

A lovely sentence, but it’s clichéd. It had to be rewritten.

And Susan Donovan rewrote it extremely well. I’m sure she was frustrated at first. But she opened a vein…

I’ll credit Hemingway for that bloody phrase.

I could share at least a dozen more deep edit suggestions for this prologue, and make this blog twice as long. But I won’t.

I will share the final version of the prologue. Enjoy.

A lone shotgun blast cracked the dawn. From her second-story window she watched the blue-black crows scatter and swoop across the cornfield in search of safety. They landed in the Sycamore branches reaching over the lane like the gnarled fingers of old lovers.

The gunshot rolled across the Maryland countryside and vanished north of the Mason-Dixon line. A hushed sorrow slipped over Coldspring Farm once more.

Round and round through time, violence would give way to silence. Love would end in death. She knew this rhythm well. Moments ago, the last of them had gone to the cornfield. Like the others, he walked to the middle of the small plot framed in wrought iron and pulled the trigger. She was alone now. There was no one to help her.

No eyes would ever detect the horror trapped in this once-loved house. No hands would recover the secrets still lodged in its wood and stone. No lips would ever speak the truth of Coldspring.

Her truth.

Crows chattered from their refuge. The last trace of gunfire disappeared on the wind.

There was nothing to do now but linger within these crumbling walls, endlessly lonesome, until her whisper was no more.

I know this prologue well, and every time I read it, it grabs my heart.

Kudos to Susan Donovan for her incredible talent. And a big THANK YOU to Susan for allowing me to share her prologue and my deep edit suggestions.

I loved working with Susan. She’s fun and cool and committed to excellence.

It sounds corny, but it is my joy to help writers make their writing award-winning strong. And I love cheering for them when they win awards.

Please chime in and share your thoughts.

Or just click in and say Hi. Let me know you’re here!

Post a comment, and you have TWO CHANCES to WIN!

1. Lecture Packet from Margie Lawson
2. An online course from Lawson Writer’s Academy – worth up to $75!

Check out the courses offered by Lawson Writer's Academy in May:

1. "No One Gets Me!" Writing Believable YA Characters

2. Create Compelling Characters

3. Queries That Sell, and Beyond!

4. 30 Days to a Stronger Novel

5. A Deep Editing Guide to Make Your Openings Pop

The drawings will be Sunday, 9:00 p.m. Mountain Time.

Margie Lawson—editor, international presenter—teaches writers how to use her psychologically-based editing systems and deep editing techniques to create page turners. Margie has presented over ninety full day master classes for writers in the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and on cruises in the Caribbean.

To learn about Lawson Writer’s Academy, Margie’s 4-day Immersion Master Classes (in Denver, Washington, D.C., Phoenix, Canyon Lake, Dallas, San Jose, Melbourne, Australia, and more), her full day Master Class presentations, on-line courses, lecture packets, and newsletter, please visit www.margielawson.com.

(And 10 things you can do about it)

Kelly Simmons

Time and again, through my writer’s mentoring nonprofit work and pitching ideas to writer’s conferences, I hear the same thing:  writers of all levels not only struggle with plot, structure, and craft – but with productivity issues.

Why?  Because what works for one writer, simply will not work for another.  In critique groups, we try not to take things personally. It’s your work, it’s not you. But you know what?   It IS YOU. And any problem you are having with your writing, and especially with your writing productivity, stems from who you are.  Or who you aren’t.

Here are my suggestions for upping productivity, based on personality type.

Are you a people pleaser?  Overcommitted?  Writing grants for a nonprofit instead of your novel?

1. You can save the world after you save your novel. Volunteer for YOURSELF FIRST. If you have trouble saying no to people, write up a gentle paragraph about why you can’t do whatever someone is asking you to do – and keep it on your computer –and copy/paste whenever you have to say no.

2. Give something up, and replace it with writing. Announce to the world – “I am not cooking dinner on Tuesday or Thursday.” Work out at the gym 3 x a week instead of 5.  Watch one less TV show, and write during that time instead.

3. Make use of miniature time pockets. Hire a babysitter for 2 hours and STAY HOME and write.  Go to a Laundromat and write for an hour while your stuff is drying.

Are you a perfectionist?  Do you procrastinate because the task seems too large, or you’re afraid you won’t measure up to your own standards?

4. Write a simpler novel. You heard me. Throw away that multi-generational beast with 100 characters and brainstorm something simpler. I’m not kidding.  I’m not wrong.

5. Make it impossible to go off-track. A) Write into the next scene, leave notes for what you are going to do next. Always.  B) Create writing prompts that have to do with your WIP or your characters and keep on your computer, so there’s always a task to complete.

6. Set up a reward structure.  Like potty training a child with M&Ms. Pay yourself for meeting your goals.  Think it doesn’t work? You must not be potty-trained.

7. Set goals that don’t focus on word counts. Word counts, page counts, and number values create weird, mathy pressure. Instead, use your words.  I will write until the timer goes off. I will write until the candle burns down.  I will write until the streetlights come on. 

Are you a type A overworker? Do you think you could get your novel finished if you only had a research assistant and a secretary?

See answers 2 and 4. 

If that doesn’t work –

8. Write at work. Yes, you heard me correctly.  How much of this you do is up to you, and what kind of job you have, but your company does not control your brain 100% of the time. If it did, how would you gossip?

If you have to sit in lots of boring meetings – daydream about your characters.  Learn a simple written code – so no one will know what you are jotting down on your yellow pad.

When it’s slow, or you’re on your lunch break, write a quick paragraph.  No one needs to know.  You know how to minimize your windows, right?  You know how to write in an email app, right?  Course you do.  Oh, don’t look at me like that.   The company doesn’t OWN YOUR DREAMS.

Are you sensitive, observant, and easily distracted?  

Yes, you could download Freedom to cut off your wifi, yes you could buy noise cancelling headphones, but YOU KNOW THAT.  Here are two suggestions that are FREE and just as helpful.

9.  Turn off all your notifications on your phone.  Let nothing ever beep or buzz to alert you to anything again.   And when you write -- Put your phone in another room.   And leave it there until you’ve worked for an hour and earned a reward of looking at it. (see #6.)

10.  Clean up your act.  Simplify your workspace and office.  Throw things away.  Make your whole world look as if you have tons of room for your writing, and maybe, just maybe you will.

It’s not easy to write a novel.  It takes time and focus and dedication.  But how you free up the time, and find your focus, differs for everybody based on who they are.  Do you see yourself in these suggestions?  And what has worked for you?  I’d love to hear!

About Kelly

Kelly Simmons’ novels have been hailed as electrifying, complex and poignant, and aren’t those nice words? Her third novel, ONE MORE DAY, keeps being called riveting, so don’t buy it unless you want to stay up all night reading it. She’s a member of Women's Fiction Writers Association, Tall Poppy Writers. and The Liars Club & Writers Coffeehouse, a group of published novelists dedicated to helping fledgling writers.

http://www.kellysimmonsbooks.com/
https://www.facebook.com/Fans-of-Author-Kelly-Simmons-291343839243/
https://twitter.com/kellysimmons

Tiffany Lawson Inman

A lengthy list of components must come together to create well-written action and fighting in fiction. One of the most important components is believability.

Believability in writing action and fighting is something that trips-up many authors and editors. I am including editors because I have read too many published books with out-of-place action words and phrases and sometimes entire action or fight sequences. So it would seem that the editors as well as the authors either don’t recognize the issue or don’t know how to fix it and it is then a rough spot for your readers.

Always be asking yourself if your characters are using the right actions.

Are the actions you have written for them even in the same skill set as that character?

Are they fighting a fight in your novel or have they transformed into one of the knife-wielding thugs from one of Harlan Coben’s latest novels?

You do not want your character to go from little Ashley, the ninety-nine pound Physiology major at CU Boulder, to Bruce Banner’s Hulk in a blink of a word or phrase. Unless this is a paranormal and she has super powers, of course. A beefed-up and out-of-place word or phrase will pop off the page and wedge itself between your reader and your story.

This is not a good thing.

Examples of out-of-place action words and phrases for the character’s skillset and theme of the book they were written for:

• She launched herself out of the car window.
• He targeted the man’s jawline and threw a fast jab that connected with a crack. He knew he had just broken someone’s jaw.
• She turned back towards her attacker with a quick spin and side-kicked. The kick landed against his neck and she quickly readjusted her stance to get in few more kicks.
• She saw the punch coming and leaned back to avoid Jarred’s giant fist. Heather grabbed her book laden backpack and decided to fight back. She heaved her pack into the side of his head and from the sound of it she could probably say goodbye to her snack-bag of Cheetos. Jarred whimpered and fell back against the lockers.
• I dive sideways through the doorway, hit the ground in a roll and keep running away from them.

 The above examples don’t seem like they would do any harm in a book, do they? They seem like straightforward actions and fight actions. But how about if I were to tell you that all of these were taken from Romance, YA, NA, and Women’s Fiction? And that the characters performing the above actions were not trained in Mixed Martial Arts or the art of escape, and none of them had superpowers.   Yes, some of them were being threatened and were either fighting for something or against someone. But that does not mean between the first line of the book and this scene that a mystery man came in and uploaded fancy skills into their character brains. These were just regular characters.

If you want your readers to connect to the believability of your story, they must also connect to the believability of your character’s actions.

Let us look a little closer at those examples.

• She launched herself out of the car window.

According to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, LAUNCH is to send or shoot (something, such as a rocket) into the air or water or into outer space, or to throw (something) forward in a forceful way. As it is written in the book, it would seem that a girl or woman is launching herself out of a car window. She actually launches herself out of the car window from the passenger seat of a compact car. Hmmmm… .

I see the word LAUNCH being used in many stories and there are only a few when that word made sense. It takes power to launch something into the air. It takes muscle and concentration and drive and flexibility and confidence to launch yourself out of a window. Not to mention, a few more actions involved in the extraction of your body from the car’s seat to aim out the window and getting your feet into a position to manipulate the action. Unless there was an escape hatch or the like…and there was not. So here I am, a reader, thinking the POV character is a regular woman with regular human capabilities and suddenly she is frightened by a situation and launches herself out of the car window. Pretty darn unbelievable.

• He targeted the man’s jawline and threw a fast jab that connected with a crack. He knew he had just broken someone’s jaw.

For a non-boxer and non-brawler and not regularly violent man to be able to target a jawline in the middle of a fight and “throw a fast jab” that actually connects and connects hard enough to break a jaw…well it is pretty darn unbelievable.

Considering the fact that this untrained and ungloved character was able to break a jaw with one fast jab, and walked away without any broken bones in his own hand…pretty darn unbelievable.

And also considering that it takes a professional boxer or MMA fighter a much heftier punch than a simple fast jab to break a jaw…yup, pretty darn unbelievable.

Did you know that during a 10-12 round boxing match there are approximately 600 punches thrown by one competitor and only around 30-50 percent of those punches actually connect to the opponent in the ring? So although I know it isn’t very exciting (at first) to write a fight where there are punches and kicks that don’t connect, it would be more realistic. And if you were to take your reader’s deeper into a more realistic reality for your character, I am willing to bet your scene will take on a whole different feel and it will find a deeper connection with your reader.

• She turned back towards her attacker with a quick spin and side-kicked. The kick landed against his neck and she quickly readjusted her stance to get in few more kicks.

Again this is not a kickboxing champion here and she doesn’t have any superpowers just a regular chick surprised in an alley by a big bad dude. So why is she without fear or stumbling and able to quick spin side-kick a man in the neck. Did I mention he was described as being over a foot taller than her? And then she is gutsy enough to (and has the skillset to) readjust her stance for more action. What do you think? Do I believe it? Nope.

• She saw the punch coming and leaned back to avoid Jarred’s giant fist. Heather grabbed her book laden backpack and decided to fight back. She heaved her pack into the side of his head and from the sound of it she could probably say goodbye to her snack-bag of Cheetos. Jarred whimpered and fell back against the lockers like a ragdoll wearing a football jersey.

Cute, but still very very unbelievable. Seeing the punch coming and the ability to move fast enough is always a little suspect. But then to be able to bend down, grab a heavy backpack and heft it with such force and accuracy to not only connect with the side of his head but also make Jarred the-football-player-with-giant-fists whimper and seemingly be knocked-out from this backpack blow? I am not convinced. Action fail.

• I dive sideways through the doorway, hit the ground in a roll and keep running away from them.

If you are a gymnast, ninja, or stunt person this sideways controlled dive n’ roll n’ run would be totally doable. But for this character, a young, semi-klutzy and self-proclaimed chubby woman? No. I don’t think so. I don’t even think I have to go into any more detail to convince you that this is also pretty darn unbelievable.

What have you learned from these examples? Before writing your action and fights, think about your character’s skillset. Think about your genre. Make sure you are not pulling action from the big-multi-purpose-grab-bag of action because you are too intimidated or hurried to write a good scene. There isn’t a multi-purpose-grab bag of actions because no other writer is writing your story with your characters their skillets.

If you have doubts about the action or fights that you are writing, stop. Remember that this is only one component of writing action and fights. Do your research, take classes, or use an editor that knows action and fighting. Don’t let your action or fight scene intimidate you into writing poorly.

As you are writing and before sending off to the editor or publisher, look at the action written, get out of your writing nook and physically work through the action. Slowly. Keep asking yourself if your characters would be able to do the action. Remind yourself that not all of your characters are Superman or Catwoman. **Within reason of course, I know some of you are writing characters falling off mountains, or narrowly missing trains, or getting punched repeatedly etc. So be smart about it. **

Chances are, if you hand off your scene to someone with your character’s skill set and they fail to act it out because it is too complicated or not complicated enough, or if they look at you like you are insane and deny your request to act it out, then the action you have written is also a fail. Time to rethink, rewrite, and then re-act.

Go forth and write believable action!

Thank you so much for reading today. Do you have a line or two of action getting your brain in a twist? I can help!

Toss your one or two lines down into the comments and I will see what I can do for you. Remember to tell me about your genre, characters, and your goal outcome of the action or fight scene. Depending on what I see, I might ask you a few more questions. I’m a hands-on teacher and editor and I don’t like my blogs to stop here, so come on down to the comments section and play!  

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About Tiffany

Tiffany Lawson Inman claimed a higher education at Columbia College Chicago. There, she learned to use body and mind together for action scenes, character emotion, and dramatic story development. Tiffany’s background in theatre provides her with a unique approach to the craft of writing, and her clients and students greatly benefit. As a freelance editor, she provides deep story critique, content editing, and line editing.

Stay tuned to Twitter @NakedEditor for Tiffany’s upcoming guest blogs, classes, contests, and lecture packets.She teaches Action and Fighting, Madness to Method: high intensity emotion, Triple Threat Scene Writing, Writing Humor For Every Genre, and More to Memoirs than memories, and Short Story Workshops for Lawson Writer’s Academy online. She is working on hands-on-action workshops, and will be offering webinars this year.