Writers in the Storm

Chuck Sambuchino

To celebrate the release of the brand-new 2015 Guide to Literary Agents, I am bringing back one of my most popular recurring contests: The “Worst Storyline Ever” Contest. Except this time, it’s hosted on the Writers in the Storm blog. So if you’re looking for an agent and want a big database, check out the book. And if you’ve got a horrible idea for a story, I want to hear about it. Welcome to the “Worst Storyline Ever” Contest—a competition that encourages terrible loglines.

2014 “Worst Storyline Ever” Contest

A logline is a one-sentence line that explains what your story is about and shows the “hook” – the unique idea that makes people want to see more. You see loglines all the time on the back of DVD boxes. Here are some examples:

• “Three middle-aged men defeat their midlife crises by starting a college fraternity.” (Old School)
• “When a Roman general is betrayed and his family murdered by an evil emperor, he comes to Rome as a gladiator to seek revenge.” (Gladiator)
•  “In a future where criminals are arrested before the crime occurs, a cop struggles on the lam to prove his innocence for a murder he has not yet committed.” (Minority Report)

But that’s all the examples I’m going to give you, because I’m not looking for good examples of a logline; I’m looking for bad examples. Nay – terrible, stupid, “oh-my-gosh-that-idea-REEKS” examples.

(Hi, everyone. Chuck here chiming in for a second. I wanted to say I am now taking clients as a freelance editor. So if your query or manuscript needs some love, please check out my editing services. Thanks!)

Examples of Bad Loglines (Previous Winners/Finalists):

a. “After an unidentified cow swallows an armed nuclear device in a botched Homeland Security raid, Agent Tom Anderson is thrust into an unlikely partnership with buxom organic farmer Daisy Jones to sift through three hundred cows and 10 barns full of manure as the clock runs down in a desperate quest to save Kansas City from a moo-clear disaster.”

b. “A young woman discovers she is half unicorn after farting a rainbow at her bat mitzvah, and must go on a hijinx-filled voyage of self discovery to find her real father and fit as ‘one of the herd.’ “

c. “Leonard the narcoleptic snail sets out on his lifelong dream of running the Boston Marathon while humming ‘Macarena,’ and invites you to join the excitement in real time.”

Here are the rules:

1. Stick to the format, but have fun with the idea. You want your logline to be one sentence only and must be 60 words or fewer, and explain what the movie/book is about. It’s what you put in that one sentence that will win you this competition. So the trick is to make your logline a terribly creative idea that’s pitched in a minimal, professional manner. (Please note that about 10% of submissions are disqualified because more than one sentence is submitted. Do not make this mistake.)
2. The contest will go until the end of the day, 11:59 p.m., PST, Friday, Nov. 21, 2014. Submissions received after that will not be considered. Once the contest closes at that point, allow up to the end of November for judging to occur. This post will be updated with the winners’ names by Dec. 1, and all winners will be contacted individually by e-mail.
3. I (Chuck) will judge the contest, with some possible input from other Writer’s Digest staffers.
4. To participate, simply click on “Comments” at the end of this post and leave your submission as a comment with your full, real name. If you are super paranoid about leaving your full name, abbreviate; use “L. Smith” instead of “Leonard Smith.”
5. You can submit up to one logline for free. If you want to submit up to 3 loglines, all you have to do for such eligibility is tweet news of this contest and sharing the URL/link. Here is a sample tweet: Got a hilariously awful idea for a movie or book? Enter the “Worst Storyline Ever” Contest: http://bit.ly/1xe69JI – via @chucksambuchino. Include all entries in the same comment, and put your Twitter handle in the comment (if applicable), as well, so we can see if you tweeted.
6. The contest is open to everyone of all ages, save those employees, officers and directors of GLA’s publisher, F+W: A Content & E-Commerce Company (formerly F+W Media).
7. If you have any questions about the contest, do not leave them in the comments and do not e-mail WITS. E-mail me directly at chuck.sambuchino [at] fwmedia.com

The Prizes:

The top 3 winners (no order) receive 1) a critique of either their one-page synopsis or one-page query letter from me; and 2) a copy of either the 2015 Guide to Literary Agents or the 2015 Children’s Writer’s & Illustrator’s Market.

Good luck!!!

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About Chuck

Chuck Sambuchino of Writer’s Digest Books edits the GUIDE TO LITERARY AGENTS and the CHILDREN’S WRITER’S & ILLUSTRATOR’S MARKET. His Guide to Literary Agents Blog is one of the largest blogs in publishing.

His 2010 humor book, HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK, was optioned by Sony Pictures.  Chuck has also written the writing guides FORMATTING & SUBMITTING YOUR MANUSCRIPT and CREATE YOUR WRITER PLATFORM.

Besides that, he is a freelance book & query editor, husband, sleep-deprived new father, and owner of a flabby-yet-lovable dog named Graham.

Find Chuck on Twitter and on Facebook.

First, I have a confession. I had another post planned. Then life happened. You know, that moment when you look around at the clutter in the house and think it would just be easier to move? Or stare at your email and have that momentary, “if my computer ‘crashed’ right now, and I got a new one, would any of these emails matter?” Or look at the TBR pile and wonder if you should just put a piece of wood on top and call it a coffee table?

For me, that happens every year around this time. Some people get Spring Fever, I get Fall Nesting. And. I. Have. To. De-clutter.

Yup, I’m doing it at home. Room by room. Everything comes out and only select things go back. This is one of those times I’m happy my husband bought that SUV. Hello, city dump! And I have an appointment for a charity organization to come pick up clothes and toys and small electronics. See ya!

But I’m also doing it with my writing. And this might just be the best de-cluttering operation of all.

Email
Most of us have multiple accounts—professional and personal. It’s easy to let emails pile up (or maybe that’s just me) in the in-box and that can become a very distracting clutter.

I have multiple accounts—my “professional” writing one, two for the Women’s Fiction Writers Association, and two personal accounts. I’m an email pack rat. Really. One of the personal accounts has emails dating back to 2004 (yeah, I gasped at that one too) and my professional account has emails back to 2011.

Email triage! I sort by sender then delete the obvious ones. Do I really need 32 saved emails from Pottery Barn? Why am I keeping 68 emails with new twitter followers from 2013? What’s the point of having 227 emails from a yahoo group I haven’t been involved with in over a year? Will I really read the discussion from an online workshop that took place three years ago?

(Told you I had a problem.)

Delete. Delete. File. Delete.

Blogs and newsletters
So many awesome blogs, so many fabulous writers to follow. But not all remain relevant and not all need to drop into your inbox.

For example, a few are from my “previous” life in the space industry. I’m still a die-hard space junkie so a few I’ll keep just because. But really, do I need the announcements from companies I haven’t kept up with in almost three years?

There were blogs and newsletters I signed up for early in my writing career. A few I still refer to, but not all. Some are just not relevant for whatever reason. Those are a quick unsubscribe.

I’ve also noticed a few newsletters dumping into my account lately that I didn’t subscribe to. Not only is that a major faux pas by the owner of that newsletter, but it pretty much ensures I’ll be unsubscribing, unfollowing, unliking that person.

Twitter
I’ve been a bit lazy with my twitter account over the last year, I admit. It’s one of the things that’s fallen through the cracks in the chaos of 2014.

Jenny Hansen wrote a great post last December (holy poop, people, that’s 11 months ago! *fingers in ears, lalalalalala, it is not almost the end of the year, lalalalala*) on cleaning out your twitter account.

I’ll be following her advice in the near future. It’s time to update the lists I’ve made and create new ones. Check out who I’m following and why.

Commitments
This is a tough one. I’m part of two group blogs; founding President of the Women’s Fiction Writers Association and as part of that group, also oversee a number of programs and member benefits. I also volunteer at my son’s school and recently agreed to help out with a climbing team event. Add family, house, exercise, and … what am I missing … oh yeah, writing.

Every so often, you need to evaluate where you’re spending your time and whether those activities are in line with your end goal (if you don’t know what the end goal is, declutter those thoughts first). It’s not easy to say no and some of us have a harder time with that than others. But stretching yourself too thin doesn’t do anyone any good either.

Are you contributing to a blog that isn’t getting the reach you’d like or that’s taking more time than you have to give? Bow out gracefully and professionally.

Consider your volunteering commitments. If you can’t give the level of commitment that’s expected (by the group—personal or professional—or that you have for yourself), then consider backing away, again, gracefully and professionally.

Are you in a writing group that isn’t giving you the level of support you need? Thank everyone for the knowledge they’ve shared and walk away.

Yes, I’ve been doing that myself. And yes, I’ve agonized over every decision. But you know what, that extra bit of time, the less daunting number of emails, the twitter stream of people I really WANT to keep up with, all equal a less cluttered mind. And that means I can now cozy up to the revisions and shiny new WIP without the distractions. The other decluttering exercise—my office no longer looks like a tree threw up in it. Oh yeah!

Decluttering done, you can now focus on those end goals—remember those?

So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m ready to hunker down for the winter and write!

Okay, WITSers, I want to hear from you—are you “tidy” with your emails, twitter accounts, commitments or do you find yourself waking up one day with that “gotta do something about this” feeling?

About Orly

After years of pushing the creativity boundary in corporate communications, Orly decided it was time for a new challenge. Three women’s fiction manuscripts later (plus a handful of picture books), it’s safe to say she’s found her creative outlet.  When she’s not talking to her imaginary friends, she’s reading or at least trying to ignore everyone around her long enough to finish “just one more paragraph.” Orly is the founding president of the Women’s Fiction Writers Association.

You can find her on Twitter at @OrlyKonigLopez or on her website, www.orlykoniglopez.com.

NaNoWriMo is here, which means my birthday is coming and our American Thanksgiving is at the end of the month. In other words, the holidays are upon us, which often leads to stress for writers.

I reserved my organic grass-fed turkey yesterday. (Yes, I know. I'm from California, okay?) As always, the minute I reserve that glistening gobbler, my stress-meter cranks to high.

My holiday confession: I am deathly afraid to take responsibility for the bird. Really, really afraid. Like heart-pounding-faster-than-a-caffeinated-writer-on-deadline afraid.

Obviously, I have a whopping case of the dreaded "Turkey Block."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this malady, it's like writer's block...only instead of a fear of the page, it's a fear of the bird.

My big brother (we call him the Bag Whore), talks about his Thanksgiving Bird like it's his holiday love muffin: rubbing it with butter, seasoning it...BRINING it, for Pete's sake. I can't listen to him. And right now, at William's Sonoma, there's a whole freaking wall dedicated to the bird. An. Entire. Wall.

It's wigging me out.

I can't take the responsibility of being in charge of the main event. I just can't. So I pawned it off on Hubby. I even got him a "brining kit," although I'm not exactly sure what it is.

Hubby is tasked with The Bird and I have everything else. I'd rather make sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry fluff, mashed potatoes, stuffing and three pies than do ONE turkey.

[See? Turkey Block.]

I saw a post with the five main symptoms of writer's block and I have ALL FIVE when it comes to The Turkey. I'll put them below so you can see what I mean, and heap sympathy upon me in my time of need.

Symptom #1: No Ideas

If you are stuck and have no ideas, it is probably because you started in writing, prepping your bird, without doing the ground work of brainstorming and planning.

Remedy: Give the job to your spouse. If you're single, invite someone like The Bag Whore to your feast.

Symptom #2: Boredom

Either you have chosen a topic turkey you are not particularly interested in, or you've been assigned a topic bird you just don't care much about. Either way, you are stuck because you are bored with your topic turkey.

Remedy: Give the job to your spouse. Or run to the internet. Pray if you need to.

Symptom #3: Lack of Confidence

If you feel you aren't qualified to do the writing turkey, you will be stuck from the onset. You may worry that your grammar gobbler technique isn't good enough or you have poor spelling basting skills. You may be hearing criticisms in your head from previous attempts at writing turkey-making.

Remedy: Give the job to your spouse. Or open wine. Lots and lots of wine.

Symptom #4: Anxiety

When you are full of anxiety about something, you feel agitated, fidgety, jittery. Your mind goes in every possible direction except to the task at hand.

[Yesssss.]

Remedy: Sit or lie comfortably in a quiet, dimly lit space. Close your eyes and settle your breathing. Then picture yourself doing the required writing turkey. Don't think about the content bird that needs to be written conquered, only see yourself writing conquering said gobbler. Notice details surrounding you and the turkey...Then notice how you feel about the image and how the person you see feels. Sit with this image for as long as you can.

[I'm pretty much calling crapola on that "remedy."]

Symptom #5: Stress

When stress has its grip, you can't think straight. You can't even begin to sit still and do some writing turkey-wrestling.

Remedy: Have a pre-writing pre-bird ritual that helps you to slow down and relax. Know in advance where you plan to write cook and prepare your space. Make it free of clutter and get out your supplies and materials. Then do some physical activity to relax your muscles and clear your mind. Take several deep breaths and do some long, slow stretches.

[So really, they're saying: "Have some sex instead of worrying about your turkey."]

Addendum: Nope. Not working. I'm still thinking about having to look my guests in the eye and apologize for a dry pitiful turkey.

Remedy: Give the job to your spouse. Make TONS of gravy. Drink more wine.

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So there you have it...the five symptoms of Turkey Block and my remedies. Whether you're thinking about your bird or your manuscript, I promise you will break through to the other side.

Have you conquered the Turkey Frontier? What are your secrets? Enquiring minds (and my husband) would love to hear them!

About Jenny Hansen

By day, Jenny provides training and social media marketing for an accounting firm. By night she writes news articles, humor, memoir, women’s fiction and short stories. After 18+ years as a corporate software trainer, she’s delighted to sit down while she works.

When she’s not at her personal blog, More Cowbell, Jenny can be found on Twitter at JennyHansenCA or at Writers In The Storm.