I chose this month's first page to explain writing tight. I am a 'spare writer', meaning that I cut every unnecessary word, so the read is fast and easy. If a word doesn't tell the reader something they don't know in a compelling way, out it goes. I'm not saying that you have to cut as close to the bone as I, but I hope the following example convinces you to trim some unneeded adjectives and 'filter words' from your prose. They litter the read - they're over the top - like the author saying, 'I really, really mean this'. Your reader trusts that if you say it once, you mean it. 

I learn best by seeing transformations in examples, So let's dig in.

Thank you, brave soul, for trusting me with your work. I hope you find this helpful.

Here's the original:

Sane people don't do these types of things. The words screamed loudly in my brain, yet they could not drown out the utterly irrational and ridiculous action I was about to take.

Freezing drizzle pelted my cheeks and slapped me back to reality. With the high winds whipping rapidly under and over the canvas canopy at the facility’s entrance, the black awning fringe forcefully ushered me in. A pounding chill went down the back of my coat, and I shivered uncontrollably as it made its way throughout my body. It was a well-timed irony that the bitter and icy November weather reflected the mood I had been in ever since reading the documents that were never meant for my eyes.

It was accidentally discovering that mind-numbing, career-ending information that sent me on my preemptive path to Deer Ridge Psychiatric Hospital. Plus, I needed a place to hide out for the time being while I thought about how best to halt my pending termination. And, to plot my revenge against David Wolfe, my duplicitous boss who has also been my friends with benefits lover for as many years as I have been with Ashford Industries.

I paused at the front door for a moment to try to tamp down my conflicting emotions over what I was about to do. I once again began to question my sanity. I did really need to be here, didn’t I? I’ve heard it been said that there is a little bit of craziness in all of us. I guess it was the appropriate time for my crazy to have emerged—a fortunate coincidence in a most unfortunate situation.

Fighting against the high winds to open the heavy, oversized ornate wooden door, I was within inches from entering when a strong gust opened the door for me, which quickly propelled me against the side of the building. A loud banging sound reverberated through the air as my entire backside knocked against the large glass window. Catching myself just in time on the window ledge, I narrowly escaped falling face down in the already dead Forsythia bushes in which I had landed. As I brushed the frozen leaves off my jacket, I stepped forward only to see that the high heel of my boot was caught onto a small branch. Balancing on one leg to try and untangle myself, I ended up face, hands, and knees soaked with slushy mud. It was then that I heard a rustling in the bushes. Looking over my shoulder a young woman hovered over me. She put her hand in mine to pull me up, and said with a smile, “You must be Ms. Barnett. We’ve been expecting you.”

My edits:

Black = original

Red = my thoughts/comments

Purple = text I added/altered

Sane people don’t do these types of things. The words screamed loudly in my brain, yet they could not drown out the utterly irrational and ridiculous action I was about to take. Three adjectives and two adverbs in the second sentence of the story are way too many. See how this says, 'I really, really, mean it'? The first line is a thought. We know that because you used italics. So you don't need 'in my brain' - that's where thoughts happen. But even more, you're telling us about something that hasn't happened yet, which can be confusing to the reader, and keeps them at a distant POV. Show us that the action is ridiculous, instead of telling us it is.  I'd cut the entire second line. Trust your reader to get it!

  Freezing drizzle pelted my cheeks, slapping and slapped me back to reality. I like this sentence, but it raises a question; where has the character been that was away from reality? We've only had one thought, which takes a nanosecond to think, so unless you show us, or mention what she (I'm assuming it's a she) has been doing - that she's wet to the skin and shivering from standing out in the cold so long, the 'back to reality' doesn't make a lot of sense to us - see what I mean?

With the high winds whipping rapidly under and over the canvas canopy at the facility’s entrance, the black awning fringe forcefully ushered me in. A pounding chill went down the back of my coat, and I shivered uncontrollably as it made its way throughout my body. It was a well-timed irony that the bitter and icy November weather reflected the mood I had been in ever since reading the documents that were never meant for my eyes.

I know it's considered okay now to start a sentence with a preposition, but I'd only use it for impact. Since we're so early in the read, it doesn't help here. Your instincts are right; you needed to set the scene a bit, to show the reader where they are. But more compelling than just showing us the scene - show us what it means to your CHARACTER. Does she dread walking in? Why? As it is, we're just seeing a 'facility' (as school? A government building? See how we don't know?  Also, the paragraph is slowed with adverbs and unncessesay adjectives. We all know how that a shiver is uncontrollable, and how it works - you don't need to explain. The ending is a perfect example of raising good questions in the reader's mind that will lure them into the read to find out more. Well done!

Let me try to rewrite to illustrate what I mean. I know the details won't be right - but see if this is more compelling - raising even more questions in the reader's mind:

The black canopy over the entrance flapped in the fitful wind, the fringe beckoning me closer. A shiver rattled down my spine. I hadn't been looking for a new career path, but that was before the seismic shift, when I read the documents never meant for my eyes.

It was accidentally discovering that mind-numbing, career-ending information that sent me on my preemptive path to Deer Ridge Psychiatric Hospital. Plus, I needed a place to hide out for the time being while I thought about how best to halt my pending termination. And, to plot my revenge against David Wolfe, my duplicitous boss who has also been my friends with benefits lover for as many years as I have been with Ashford Industries.

The above is all backstory, shoehorned in. You raised a question at the end of the last paragraph, then immediately answered it - see how that isn't incentive for the reader to read on? Instead, I'd just drop another hint:

The Deer Ridge Psychiatric hospital loomed over me, more like a portent of doom than the beacon of my future. But David, my lover and boss at Ashford Industries, made staying impossible. I took the few steps to the front door.

I paused at the front door for a moment to try to tamp down my conflicting emotions over what I was about to do. I once again began to question my sanity. I did really need to be here, didn’t I? I’ve heard it been said that there is a little bit of craziness in all of us. I guess it was the appropriate time for my crazy to have emerged—a fortunate coincidence in a most unfortunate situation.

See how the above is all a repeat? Saying something twice doesn't convince your reader you mean it; instead, they come away with the impression that you think they're too dumb to get it! If you feel like you need to repeat, I'd make the case that it's because you're not happy with the paragraph where you said it the first time. Go back and fix that line, instead. Also, read the thought out loud. See how we don't think in past tense? If you feel you need it, the correct line would be: I do need to be here, don't I?

But I'd cut the entire paragraph - it slows the read, and doesn't tell us anything new.

Fighting against the high winds to open the heavy, oversized ornate wooden door, I was within inches from entering when a strong gust opened the door for me, which quickly propelled me against the side of the building. A loud banging sound reverberated through the air as my entire backside knocked against the large glass window. Catching myself just in time on the window ledge, I narrowly escaped falling face down in the already dead Forsythia bushes in which I had landed. As I brushed the frozen leaves off my jacket, I stepped forward only to see that the high heel of my boot was caught onto a small branch. Balancing on one leg to try and untangle myself, I ended up face, hands, and knees soaked with slushy mud. It was then that I heard a rustling in the bushes. Looking over my shoulder a young woman hovered over me. She put her hand in mine to pull me up, and said with a smile, “You must be Ms. Barnett. We’ve been expecting you.”

You spent a long time explaining something that happened very fast. If something happens fast, to convey that to the reader, you need short, simple, staccato sentences. I'm still a bit unsure of the physicality of what happened. The wind pulled the door from her hand, and she falls (I'm not clear how or why), then you mention glass windows, which I hadn't pictured there, because you didn't mention them before. You say she narrowly escaped falling in the bushes where she landed....Did she fall in them, or not? See how this is conflicting? She's looking over her shoulder at the rustling bushes, then you mention the woman, so we assume the woman was IN the bushes. Is she? 

To describe a scene well, I find it's best to 'act it out' - I often find what works well in my mind, is impossible in reality. Try it - it might help with this.

This has the potential to be a riveting beginning - if you cut, cut, cut.  

What say you, WITS readers? Do you have a hard time 'writing tight'?

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ABOUT LAURA:

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