Writers in the Storm

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July 26, 2024

Eating Crackers in Bed — Why Relationships Fail

by Laurie Schnebly Campbell

young couple lying in bed looking angry at each other

We’ve all heard why someone’s relationship didn’t work out:

“So-and-so ate crackers in bed.”

“They always wanted to plan everything, not just let it happen.”

“I never felt like they really GOT what I was saying.”

Just about every such failure — whether it’s between spouses, friends, business partners, siblings, neighbors, or whoever — can be boiled down to a single statement:

“We don’t see things the same way.”

Our world-view, or how we see things, obviously goes FAR beyond just our view of eating crackers in bed. (Even though that’s an easy-to-blame description of what went wrong.) Instead, the view is more of a big-picture thing.

But it’s a book character’s view which makes this person intriguing to read about...because it’ll help get ‘em into trouble during the story. And that’s true even when their view is one that everybody would agree is pretty good:

  1. They want to make the world better.
  2. They love taking care of others.
  3. They always do a spectacular job.
  4. They’re never afraid of their emotions.
  5. They’re great at figuring stuff out.
  6. They work to keep us safe.
  7. They can make any situation fun.
  8. They know how to get things done.
  9. They’re so easy to get along with.

What’s not to love about that?

At first glance, those ARE all wonderful traits. Until you’ve spent quite a bit of time with this person, and discovered the down-side:

  1. They insist on proving they’re right.
  2. They never give me any space.
  3. It’s always about how they look.
  4. Every day is jam-packed with drama.
  5. It’s all just facts, not feelings.
  6. They’re constantly staying on guard.
  7. You can’t ever count on ‘em to show up.
  8. They always have to be boss.
  9. They never give their opinion.

What accounts for all those failings?

Let’s call it the fatal flaw.

You might’ve heard that term regarding the nine personality types known as enneagrams. And although “fatal flaw” sounds wonderfully dramatic, none of those flaws HAS to be fatal. In fact, in real life, they hardly ever are.

But in fiction?

Oh, boy, dramatic tension! Clashes! Conflict!

Yep, we’ve got conflict. (Even if both parties are the SAME type.) All nine types are called things that identify their best -- and, when taken to extremes, their worst — traits:

  1. Reformer, Perfectionist, Idealist, Advocate
  2. Nurturer, Helper, Giver, Servant, Adviser
  3. Achiever, Performer, Charmer, Succeeder
  4. Individualist, Creator, Romantic, Artist
  5. Observer, Analyzer, Thinker, Investigator
  6. Guardian, Loyal Skeptic, Defender, Cautioner
  7. Adventurer, Enthusiast, Experiencer, Explorer
  8. Leader, Challenger, Controller, Attacker
  9. Peacemaker, Mediator, Comforter, Adapter

So what kind of conflict/s do those lead to?

Here’s where every writer’s mind immediately kicks into action. “Okay, so Jalen and Ling are assigned to work together but they’re driving each other crazy. What types would they be?”

“Michael and Emma thought they’d love each other forever, but their relationship is collapsing. What type is he? And she?”

“The detective knows the villain is hiding this vital clue, taunting him to find it. What does that make their types?”

You already know there’s not gonna be just ONE type that fits the detective, the villain, Michael, Emma, Jalen or Ling. And that’s good, because if these stories would work ONLY with Jalen as a Six and Ling as a Two, the writer doesn’t get to do much creating.

Instead, we get to choose which type we want for a character by asking “What else do I know about Jalen?”

Well, let’s say it’s:

  • Head of the class before joining this group.
  • Traveled the globe as a child and still likes travel.
  • Loves running.
  • Never forgets Grandma’s birthday.
  • Tends to be bossy at work.
  • Has a phobia about — uh, let’s make it lightning.

Do any of those reflect a particular character type?

Well, we’re getting closer. Now we can narrow down the possibilities.

  • Head of the class sounds like a One, Three, Five or Eight.
  • Being fond of travel would characterize a Four, Five, Seven or Nine.
  • Any type could love running.
  • Never forgetting Grandma’s birthday could be a One, Two, Four, Six or Nine.
  • Bossy at work would most likely apply to a One, Five, Six or Eight.
  • Any type could fear lightning.

All right, so let’s look at the most frequent options: One and Five. Which seems more like Jalen? (Here’s where we dig into the enneagram descriptions, which you can see in various places including https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/ and https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/enneagram-types.)

Once we’ve looked at all the flaws a character might show, and what each one’s accompanying strength is — because EVERY type has its good side as well as its bad side — we’ll be able to spot which’ll best suit Jalen’s place in the story.

And what other conflicts it might lead to as we’re building the story.

Not only that, we’ll also be able to discover other good traits that’ll come into play. Those might be qualities Jalen and Ling will come to respect about one another, if we want these two to wind up cooperating.

Or, if we want their mission to fail, we’ll get to develop the qualities that’ll bring THAT about.

Either way, it all comes from knowing their enneagrams. Which leads to our:

Prize Drawing Question

Based on what the types are called (or broader enneagram knowledge if you have it), which of the nine sounds the most like you OR a character you’re currently writing?

Someone who comments will win free registration to Creating Your Hero’s Fatal Flaw, my August 12-23 email class on how to use enneagrams for building plots AND characters. On Monday morning, I’ll have random-dot-org draw a name and post it at the end of the comments — hurray, something to look forward to after the weekend!

* * * * * *

Laurie Schnebly Campbell

About Laurie:

After winning Romantic Times’ “Best Special Edition of the Year” over Nora Roberts, Laurie Schnebly Campbell discovered she loved teaching every bit as much as writing...if not more. Since then she’s taught online and live workshops including the one at Creating Your Hero's Fatal Flaw, and keeps a special section of her bookshelves for people who’ve developed that particular novel in her classes. With 50+ titles there so far, she’s always hoping for more.

Top image from Depositphotos.

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51 comments on “Eating Crackers in Bed — Why Relationships Fail”

  1. Hi Laurie,
    I think I fit into number 4 but it's challenging trying tp fit everyone into small groups.
    Cheers
    Tracey

    1. Tracey, good point about fitting people into small groups -- what's handy is that we can take just a few traits from any group, and still have plenty from the others as well! As a Four you'd be creative and comfortable with big emotions, unlike people who are uneasy about showing their feelings...does that sound right?

    1. Natalie, it'd make sense for a Three to resent being defined -- they (like you) tend to be extremely good at whatever they take on, and living within a limited definition is just no fun! But I'm willing to bet you already know there's a lot more to all of us than JUST those definitions. 🙂

  2. My main character is a two--she takes care of others, but can get a bit resentful when they don't appreciate her help.

    1. Sylvie, probably half the heroines I've written are Twos because it's so easy to see the ways they can get in trouble during a story...and those tend to be ways that don't involve bomb threats and tornados and unsolved murders, but more the kind of things that happen in daily life!

  3. I believe the heroine in my WIP is a 9 - Peacemaker, Mediator, Comforter, Adapter. Her friends look to her for stability and calm, knowing she has the ability to create truces in even the most awkward situations. Unfortunately for her, she adapts too well too quickly, and trusts that everyone else is on board if they don't speak up. This stops her from seeing that they sometimes keep quiet to placate her kind soul while they're actually starting to seethe inside. And THAT makes for absolutely delicious conflict for her. Mwahaahaaaa.

    1. Debbie, what a great way of using a Nine's strengths & weaknesses to create turmoil for everyone in the book! She's got some VERY understanding friends, and the fact that they'd rather seethe than face the discomfort of Possibly Creating Trouble indicates they might be Nines as well. 🙂

  4. Hi Laurie,

    What really struck me about this article is that it's important to consider how people ACT versus how they feel inside (BELIEVE). Sometimes a person can find themselves needed in the role of a #2 (nurturer/helper/etc.) but deep down inside they consider themselves a #4 (creator/artist) and the conflict between what they are called to do (service to others) and what they personally need (creative expression) can cause inner turmoil. Any contrasting types would have the same struggles (ex. #1 versus #9, and so on). Eventually something must break through, or consequences will be suffered! I think this works for novels too.

    1. Carol, what a wonderful insight for real-life people AND for book characters -- you're absolutely right; it's easy to get caught up in the way we're "supposed to be" because so many aspects of it come naturally, but meanwhile there's a whole other "way to be" that's equally valid and appealing.

  5. This topic is so fun, because when I read the types, I immediately think that I'm a 2. But, then I saw the examples for 9 and said, welp, that's me too. I think it's often the same when you're writing, that your characters will seem to fluctuate between multiple enneagrams until you find the one that fits best. It really helps you get to know your character in a way that makes the story so much stronger, like how doing the work on yourself makes you so much stronger.

    1. Amanda, good point about how "doing the work" on our characters is just as valuable as on ourselves! That could be why some authors tend to write the same types again and again...not only because the readers love these people, but also because it offers fresh insights each time.

  6. This is just a great post and reminder of all the choices that we get to make while creating characters that are lovable and yet flawed. Since I'm working on two new stories, this post comes at the right time too...looking forward to do a quick refresher of the enneagram traits as I go about working on my stories. Thanks for this, Laurie. You're the best. 🙂

    1. Adite, what a kick that the timing worked out so well...it's gonna be all kinds of fun to see these next characters unfolding. And especially how they all struggle with / recognize / learn from / recalibrate / celebrate aspects of not only each other's strengths & flaws, but also their own!

  7. The character I'm currently writing (a werewolf who's basically a cop enforcing magic-related laws) is, I think, fundamentally a Nine, but with a strong helping of Six; part of his character conflict is that his current job would really work better if he were primarily a Six. (Also probably if he were better at managing his relationships with his co-workers, but I'm not sure that's an Enneagram type so much as a socialization issue. He's young and dealing with undiagnosed PTSD into the bargain.)

    1. Michael, wow, talk about an impressive range of issues for this poor werewolf -- and it's especially convenient that, as a Nine or a Six, he's also gonna have that Three arrow making him want to do a fabulous job. Handy for a cop, but tough for someone unlikely to recognize PTSD issues.

    1. Nan, being "told" you're a One might be totally valid, but if it doesn't feel to YOU like that's what you are, the tellers are just wrong! Being well-organized, responsible, doing things the right way, and always attempting to grow are great traits, but sometimes it's hard to see our own best features. 🙂

  8. Hi Laurie, I hadn't had time to explore enneagrams much but your article helped me see it as a useful tool. At a rough guess, I think my four main characters in my current WIP are a 1, 2, 6, and 8.

    1. Lynette, it's handy to have an idea for each of your four characters -- with so many possible combinations, you've got all kinds of opportunities for creating conflict that suits each one's strengths & flaws. And creating solutions too, of course, but conflict is what makes the story entertaining!

  9. Hi Laurie, love this post! My current protag would be a combination of a 5 and a 6. Toward the beginning of the story her "5" traits stand out more, but as the story goes on, she finds reasons to let her guardian and defender traits move to the forefront.

    1. Debbie, it's cool seeing someone gradually shed traits that aren't serving them as well as they'd thought and adopting traits that were part of their "wing" all along -- only they never had any idea how well those actually could work in their life. Good for your heroine on finding new strengths!

  10. I'm finding with age that it's possible to change my own characteristic responses, over time, simply by relaxing consciously and allowing the changes. But although I trust this process in myself, I'm not sure I trust it in anyone else. A system like yours seems like it would work well in created characters. It lets you decide which list of traits you want each character to embody, so that's taken care of, and you can move on to creating other aspects of your characters and settings.

    1. Meg, what a great observation about trusting the process in yourself but not necessarily in other people -- after all, we never DO know them quite as well as we know ourselves! And you're right about the advantages of getting to make up characters from scratch: we're all-powerful. 🙂

  11. Laurie, thank you for introducing me to enneagrams a couple of years ago! I think my MMCs are always some combination of 1, 5, and 6. They are former special operators, now security agency guys. I need to dig deeper into my FMCs' enneagrams to deepen the inherent clashes that provide tension in any good story.

    1. C.S., good call on the 1-5-6 combination -- I especially like how your heroes DON'T have the customary 7-8 adventurous leadership that's become kind of stereotypical among military heroes; yours have that extra depth which comes from not taking the more frequently traveled road. 🙂

  12. Hi Laurie,

    I think I'm a type 2.
    Even though there are 9 types I tend to use the same ones for my characters over and over again. I love to pair a focused, disciplined type one with a fun, spontaneous seven -- and watch the type one learn to become more flexible and fun.

    1. Janet, I love your descriptions of the One and Seven -- great way of summarizing what makes them the kind of people who'll automatically attract and repel each other, both at the same time. Because, after all, that's pretty much what romance (especially with your cozy style) is about!

  13. I’m an enneagram type 4 with a 5 wing (got an official test). Haven’t applied the enneagram to my characters in my current WIP. Thanks for the reminder - I’m going to do that now! I think the enneagram is a more helpful and useful system for personality types than Myers Briggs. Everyone has different proportions of the 9 types so writers can build a well-rounded person using this system.

    1. Karen, I'm so sorry I missed your post last week -- especially because you have such a great observation about the variety of types within Enneagrams compared to Myers-Briggs. Either system can spark ideas, but it's cool having a bigger buffet of items to choose from right up front!

    1. Terry, LOL on no lazy introverted recluse...it could be several of 'em! One if they've decided that's the right way to live, Four if it provides more time for big feelings, Five if their studies are repetitive, Six if it seems like the most secure option, or Nine if that guarantees no conflict. Hmm... 🙂

  14. Geez! This is a tough one! I tried reading about and using the enneagrams before and wasn't successful. As for me? I am all of numbers 2 and 4, but a perfectionist too. I drive myself insane with my OCD to get everything just right! In my current WIP? I would say the hero is a number 3 and he's run up against a very stubborn number 2. Hope they can work it all out. Lol. Nice to read this article, Laurie! Thank you!

    1. Chrissie, a One has a Two wing and a Four arrow, so you could very easily be all of those -- big help, huh? 🙂 And it's cool that the protagonists are a Two and Three because with those two sharing a wing, they'll likely have at least a few similar traits...which could delight OR appall them!

  15. Taking off for a Guess Who's Coming To Dinner event where random people from church sign up to be guests and hosts but don't know who'll be in their group until everyone arrives at the location. So I probably won't be checking emails for quite a while, but I'll definitely be back tomorrow and all weekend. 🙂

    Laurie, with a big THANKS to everyone who's been sending great comments so far!

  16. Loved this. I have a heroine who is a 2-4 personality and her love interest is a 1-6. Sparks fly over almost everything except their deep belief in the value of life and people's choices. You've made me want to go back and read my enneagram book again. Perfect timing, as always Laurie!

    1. Moya, I'm getting a kick out of your characters' types because my childhood address was at 2641. -- fun seeing that lineup in a different context. And your description of where sparks don't (and DO) fly over is great; it's easy to envision all the ways these two might clash before finally...finally...

  17. I love this post! My current hero is definitely a #6 Guardian, Defender. My job will be to get him to let down his guard long enough to let the heroine in. Of course I have a sneaky weapon. The heroine's 12-year-old daughter will sneak past his defenses.

    1. Aw, Carol, it wouldn't be a Carrie Nichols book without that adorable sneaky weapon! And it's fun picturing how your guarded Six will resist...and relax...and then hastily resume resisting...and then relax...all while the heroine is watching and waiting and wondering if maybe....

    1. Denise, as a Four you've got an enormous talent that none of the other types have quite so strongly -- you're not AFRAID of big emotions! Most of the others tend to hold back from expressing that side of themselves in a completely genuine way, but that's what makes Fours shine. 🙂

  18. LoL great blog post as usual. My granny always said to be aware of the quirks you find so adorable in the beginning of a relationship because that’ll be what irks you the most once the new is knocked off. Personally I’ve always thought that most detectives would quite easily be the villains if given the chance. There’s such a fine line between cop and criminal. Two sides of the same coin

    1. Margie, I'm sorry I missed your post! Your granny was right about the fine line between Wonderful & Horrible traits, just like you pointed out with detectives & villains. My marriage-counselor mom always said "whatever first drew you to is likely what's driving you crazy now." 🙂

  19. I can find a part of my personality in eight out of the nine types. The only one I feel confident about ruling out is number three. I think I mostly fit number four, but with at least one or more from the remaining six! Self-Effacing, Agreeable, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Distractible, and Scattered, Committed, Engaging, Cerebral: Perceptive, Innovative, Caring, Interpersonal Type: Demonstrative, Generous, People-Pleasing, Rational, Idealistic Type, and Perfectionistic! What a mess…

    I think what this really tells me is I’m all over the place and probably need help!

    But it’s definitely fun to explore these types and I can see how it will make developing characters easier and much more fun.

    1. Tim, you're TOTALLY normal in having so many elements! We all do; it's just that most people rarely bother to develop each one...and those who DO are often accused of being all-over-the-place when in fact they're more in touch with all their facets. So it's a good thing, and I'm glad it's fun. 🙂

  20. In my current wip, book 3 of my series releasing next June, my heroine is an enneagram 4 (romantic) with a bit of 1 (perfectionist) thrown in. My hero is pretty much a straight-up 8 (leader). But this workaholic just became guardian of his 14-year-old half-sister, so I see his arc bringing him to becoming a bit of a 2 (nurturer) by the end of the story.

    1. Lori, it's gonna be so handy that both your characters have some Two in them: it's a wing for both Four and Eight, and that 14-year-old is gonna need all the nurturing she can get! While, of course, they're both used to thinking THEY're the only one who really gets what needs to be done....

  21. I'm definitely a 7. I love to explore and have fun, but I'm usually the one who is late to everything (because I get caught up in my current adventure). Also I can hype people up talking about things I enjoy.

    BuT I also feel I am a 6 as I tend to defend those that can't do it for themselves and I'm constantly "on-guard" watching for potential danger.

  22. Nancie, it makes perfect sense that you share traits of a Seven and Six...those two are "wings" which (like all the side-by-side numbers) have more aspects in common than other pairs. Some theorists say we show one wing reflects our best self and the other where we need to grow, but for characters -- as well as real-life people -- I think it's even more true that ANY traits can reflect those things!

  23. Thanks to everyone who offered thoughts on their (or their characters') possible strengths & weaknesses -- those are always SO much fun to imagine turning into stories!

    And congratulations to random-dot-org's pick for winning a place in next month's email class on Creating Your Hero's Fatal Flaw: commenter #10, Lynette Burrows...just let me know where to email your GroupsIO invitation next week. 🙂

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