by Sarah (Sally) Hamer

Intimacy. What a suggestive word! It immediately brings up images of satin sheets, steamy love songs and sweaty bodies.

But that’s not all of it. In fact, love-making is only one aspect of intimacy and may even have nothing to do with it.

The Free Dictionary gives three descriptions of intimacy:

1. A close or warm friendship, familiarity, closeness
2. A usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship
3. A feeling of being intimate and belonging together

Sex is only included in one of the three descriptions, for a very good reason. Intimacy is not about sex! Sex is just one of many diverse expressions of intimacy

As you can see, other expressions are friendship, closeness, togetherness, a feeling of belonging. But one we often don’t think of is hate. Not necessarily hate of strangers, but of someone who knows a person well. Imagine your most evil villain. If there is not an intimacy of knowledge between that villain and your protagonist, the relationship is shallow and, ultimately, impersonal.

Think of Hannibal Lector and Clarice in Silence of the Lambs. It’s the intimacy he demands from her that makes him so very, very creepy. Inch by inch, he exacts payment from her in return for the information she so desperately needs to save the ‘lamb,’ and that payment is in an intimacy she has withheld from everyone else.

Intimacy is directly connected to relationships of all sort. And the stronger the intimacy between the protagonist and a love interest or villain, the stronger the story.

What genres need intimacy? ALL of them! From a sweet love story with nothing going on below the neck to the hottest erotica with no holds barred. A creepy suspense to the goriest murder mystery. From women’s fiction to a man’s adventure, EVERY ONE of them needs some level of intimacy.

Use of intimacy in writing

What is intimacy, how do we create it and how can we use it in our writing?

Imagine a target with concentric circles. The one farthest out is red, with orange, yellow, green, blue as you go towards the middle. Purple is in the exact center. Each one has a specific “intimacy value” as a story progresses.

1. First awareness (Red)

When two characters meet, no matter which two, there is always an awareness of the other person, starting simply as an introduction. And, it doesn’t have to be sight only. It could just as easily be a smell or a sound.

A woman walked into the room.

Across the hall, the baby screamed as if someone were beating it.

In this way, we introduce others to our POV character through his or her senses and, if necessary, our character reacts in some form or fashion. If this is an antagonist – whether beneficial or harmful – the awareness will evolve into something more. If, instead, it’s only a descriptive element, this may be all the interaction needed.

Dorothy’s first experience in Oz is abject fear. She’s been through horrible experience after horrible experience and, when her world stops spinning, she opens the door to find everything is as far from normal as it can be, with no one she knows or can trust. Then, it gets really bad.

We receive all of this information through her eyes and, even though there is some interaction between the characters, there is really no deep commitment, as such, to any of them.

2. Interest blooms (Orange)

Next, our POV character realizes the other person is someone he or she wants to know more about for whatever reason. It can be a heightened glance, a stare, a smile, a frown, anything that shows a nascent connection between these two characters.

When Clarice first goes through the seven gates of hell into Lector’s prison (count them!) and meets him for the first time, he has an immediate reaction of interest. He’s assessing her, determining the best way to get into her mind.

3. Reaction (Yellow)

And Clarice notices and reacts. We see her struggle to not be affected but Lector’s intense scrutiny is hard to shrug off.

A blush, a smirk, anger, joy – whatever the response the story and characterization calls for – is reaction. It shows interaction between the characters and allows for thought from the POV character, which will include at least a little back story, and another response. Again, where this goes from here depends on the needs of the story.

Dorothy’s reaction to her new and frightening surroundings depends on which character she’s interacting with – the Wicked Witch, the Good Witch, her trio of heroes, the Wizard – but each one goes through the process of first awareness, the bloom of interest and her reaction. And, so it goes to the next step:

4. Verbal Communication (Green)

An exchange in words. The characters will communicate with body language too, but dialogue is necessary for almost all genres. It also increases intimacy, because a “throwaway character” probably won’t get even that much of a reaction. So, this raises the stakes.

For two characters to speak to each other makes their inter-relations more personal and they become more involved. At this stage, the conversation probably isn’t going to be earth-shaking. There will probably be few secrets or mysteries revealed.

Clarice knows that Lector’s ability to analyze and, therefore, dissect, people is dangerous, so she’s extra cautious about how much information she wants to divulge. In fact, she’s been specifically warned by her superior NOT to tell Lector anything. But, in the give and take of their relationship, she discovers the tit-for-tat won’t be free. The intimacy Lector demands is almost impossible for Clarice to furnish, at least at this point. Her desperation to save the Senator’s daughter isn’t great enough yet. But it soon will be.

5. A Step Closer (blue)

The stakes escalate. We see hints of the great darkness and a fear that lurks within. The form of communication is not important now, whether thought, body language or dialogue, but each type reveals a little more and we see our character taking a journey of discovery – discovery of other characters and self.

Dorothy’s journey is not only an actual one, but also an expedition into her own abilities to connect with other characters and, sometimes, to stand up for herself.

But intimacy is hard. And, eventually, the risk of our character not opening up is even worse than that ultimate intimacy.

The struggle continues. And this is where the character growth occurs. Because to allow that giant leap takes courage that must be learned and nourished.

6. The True Self (Purple)

Here’s where we strip away all facades, all masks. The true self is revealed, in a way that leaves the reader with no doubt as to the exact nature of both the protagonist and the driving force behind his or her actions. Secrets are revealed, deep emotions lay bare. But these things are shared with only a very select few, only the people who have earned the right to know. Intimacy may continue to grow throughout the story, depending on the story, but, without it, there may not be a character arc.

Clarice tells Lector the truth of the lambs and why she has to silence them in her mind. No one else, not even her boss whom she wants to emulate, is privy to her innermost secret. But Lector has proven to her that he’s trustworthy, at least in his own way. It may not be enough for her to be happy about him running loose, but it’s enough for her to give him what he wants. So, in return, he helps her find the villain.

During her entire story, Dorothy meets various characters and, after a period of disbelief, trepidation and, finally a willingness to interact, she allows the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion, and even the Wizard, to become friends. Trust is a little harder to come by but, eventually, she gives that too, at least to the ones she cares about most. And, her final level of intimacy is with the family she cared enough to go home to. She shares her experiences with her aunt and uncle and, with her new-found knowledge about how relationships work, she finds peace.

Final thoughts

So, the question is: Where do your characters fit on the circles when the protagonist is in the middle? They should all start in the outer red circle – at least as far as the reader is concerned – but, depending on the depth of the relationship, they should move towards someplace in the middle.

Only a very, very few will reach the blue circle, whether it is friend or foe.  Others will change colors several times in a story or will not move hardly at all. The Wicked Witch, for instance, moves closer and closer until she becomes blue, but Glenda never goes deeper into the intimacy circle than yellow. She doesn’t need to – Dorothy has others she can trust to help her.

Eventually, intimacy becomes its own reward. It makes our protagonists stronger at the same time it gives them the courage to face the past. And the future.  

What colors do your characters stand on? How do they move around? Can you see that by giving them places to stand, you can work with their levels of intimacy?

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About Sarah (Sally)

Sarah (Sally) Hamer, B.S., MLA, is a lover of books, a teacher of writers, and a believer in a good story. Most of all, she is eternally fascinated by people and how they 'tick'. She’s passionate about helping people tell their own stories and has won awards at both local and national levels, including two Golden Heart finals.

A teacher of memoir, beginning and advanced creative fiction writing, and screenwriting at Louisiana State University in Shreveport for over twenty years, she also teaches online for Margie Lawson at www.margielawson.com and for the No Stress Writing Academy at https://nostresswriting.com.  Sally is a freelance editor and book coach, with many of her students and clients becoming successful, award-winning authors.

You can find her at in**@***********al.org

Top Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay