Writers in the Storm

Wearing multi-pocketed pants, a plaid red and blue shirt, and a pack, The Man shuffled with his eyes down. He was so accustomed to the smell of petrol from the oil and herbicides on his chosen mode of travel, that it did not register in his brain.  He was making a game of achieving the pace, which allowed each shoe to land on a crosstie. The amusement helped keep him attentive, as he was tired, and his alertness was not sharp, and his mind wanted to replace the current smell with salt air. The man looked up.  His hair lifted on the back of his neck. He stopped to listen for a train. 

            He heard footfalls, sticks breaking, and brush pushed aside to his left and turned to see a group of four uniformed men running out of the woods and down an embankment towards him. The Man angled to the right to get off the tracks so he could run unimpeded. But the group was fast and caught him and dragged him back up onto the tracks. There, they hit him and beat him on his body and his face, and he was thrown to the ground. He could smell their sweat and their fear, as they began removing his pack. He grabbed it and held it tight to his chest as they continued to hit him in the face. The nearby train-whistle made them all pause, and they released their hold on The Man and the pack.  

            With the train insight and a short distance away, their faces turned ashen, and their eyes sprang wide open. “Train-Drifter” took this opportunity to roll over the right rail and down the short embankment. He knew that trains in this area traveled fifty-five miles per hour and would be on top of them in seconds. 

            The group of blue-uniformed men with DVP stamped in yellow on the back of their jackets hesitated. Two of them jumped off the tracks and the other two reached with their arms as if they could somehow stretch far enough to catch the man. Realizing their intended prisoner had escaped, they jumped to avoid the iron monster. 

            The Man knew that this passenger train would be short and he did not have a lot of time. His attackers would be looking for him as soon as the train passed, so he ran for the woods as hard and as fast as he could. His fervent instincts caused him to run in the opposite direction of the trains travel, as he suspected the DVP men would continue to

My Thoughts/Comments:

Wearing multi-pocketed pants, a plaid red and blue shirt, and a pack, The Man shuffled with his eyes down. He was so accustomed to the smell of petrol from the oil and herbicides on his chosen mode of travel, that it did not register in his brain.  

I'd recommend some scene-setting first. Why? Because we don't care what he's wearing until we know where we are. Earth, we'd assume, but what time period? Men jumped trains in the 1920's to find work - that's where my mind would go first. What time of year is it? Is it December or July? Don't tell us, show us. Is the air crisp? Snow on the ground? Is he sweating? What color are the leaves on the trees? Are there even trees? See how we don't know?  You say, 'chosen mode of travel', before we know what that IS, making the reader stop, and read back, to be sure they didn't miss anything. That's an example of a question you don't want the reader asking. Also, you have a POV violation - we're supposed to be in his head, so if something doesn't register, you can't say it. See what I mean? That's why I say this feels like omniscient POV, but it's not, because a narrator wouldn't know what's going on in his head at all.

He was making a game of achieving the pace, which allowed each shoe to land on a crosstie. The amusement helped keep him attentive, as he was tired, and his alertness was not sharp, and his mind wanted to replace the current smell with salt air. The man looked up.  His hair lifted on the back of his neck. He stopped to listen for a train. 

It's not until 'crosstie' that we find out he's on a train track. You say 'amusement', but that doesn't fit with the tone of the beginning - he's watchful - we sense danger. Why does the hair lift on his neck? You never say, and it's important. He'd have plenty of time to get off the tracks, so it can't be worry about the train. It's okay to build suspense, if you give us some context. 

I'm going to try to rewrite this, below. It may not be right for your story (I'm making some assumptions that might not be correct), but hopefully it will illustrate what I mean.

     The man shuffled through the dead leaves covering the railroad ties, his feet finding them more by repetition than by knowing. The smell of diesel and creosote mingled with the dying smell of autumn. Jobs were hard to come by this summer, and if he didn't get a roof over his head by the time the snow flew . . . better not to think of that now. He stopped, listening. There! Rustling from the embankment above. Five dark-jacketed men broke from the woods and ran toward him, yelling.

Now, we need to see his emotion - heart rate speeding, dread...etc. since we don't know why they're after him, if we see that it's important to him, it will help us care. Why? It goes to stakes. For example, if he's just been jumping trains because he has no money, the reader will have empathy for him. If he's a child molester, they're going to feel very different! I think it's important here to give the reader a hint. It doesn't have to be a lot - just something like: He hadn't meant to kill that girl--it was an accident. Couldn't they see that? 

            He heard footfalls, sticks breaking, and brush pushed aside to his left and turned to see a group of four uniformed men running out of the woods and down an embankment towards him. The Man angled to the right to get off the tracks so he could run unimpeded. But the group was fast and caught him and dragged him back up onto the tracks.

I have a logic issue here. He's on tracks. Tracks are dangerous. So when they catch him, WHY would they drag him back to where there's danger? They're going to have their hands full, capturing him as it is - why make it harder? I don't see a way around this without rewriting the beginning. What if he was asleep in the woods, and wakes just before they're on him? Then he runs to the tracks and they catch him there? See how that solves your logic problem?

There, they hit him and beat him on his body and his face, and he was thrown to the ground. He could smell their sweat and their fear, as they began removing his pack. He grabbed it and held it tight to his chest as they continued to hit him in the face. The nearby train-whistle made them all pause, and they released their hold on The Man and the pack.  

            With the train insight and a short distance away, their faces turned ashen, and their eyes sprang wide open. “Train-Drifter” took this opportunity to roll over the right rail and down the short embankment. He knew that trains in this area traveled fifty-five miles per hour and would be on top of them in seconds. 

To increase tension, cut words. We're in his head, and thoughts would be short, cut off, jerky. Don't describe every single thing, or repeat. Less is more, in tense situations. Show us how those blows FEEL to him, from the inside, and that he's desperate to hold onto that pack.  Why are they afraid? And why isn't he? There could be a really cool reason for this (maybe he has a bomb in the pack?) but you never tell us, so the potential cool thing doesn't really do anything.

            The group of blue-uniformed men with DVP stamped in yellow on the back of their jackets hesitated. Two of them jumped off the tracks and the other two reached with their arms as if they could somehow stretch far enough to catch the man. Realizing their intended prisoner had escaped, they jumped to avoid the iron monster. 

Since I don't know what 'DVP' stands for, your mentioning it doesn't help. Even fast trains signal their approach by sound and vibration. They'd have plenty of time to get off the tracks before it was upon them. This is a bigger threat than losing their prisoner, so I don't understand why they'd wait so late. Unless, he has a nuclear device, or an airborne pathogen in that pack. But since we don't know, it doesn't make sense.

            The Man knew that this passenger train would be short and No time! Heartbeat chugging louder than the train, he sprinted for the woods.

Do you have problems showing close POV? Post a sentence, and we'll work on it!

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by Amy Shojai

I didn’t set out to be a writer. I’m where I am due to a perfect storm of pet-love, frustration, boredom, and lack of funds. *s* Oh, and luck, a whole lot of furry good luck.

THE ACCIDENTAL WRITER

My publishing career began when my husband and I moved to the mountains of Eastern Kentucky. You never know where a “real” job will lead.

With few opportunities in the small town, I applied for a position with a veterinary hospital. The interview happened during a Chihuahua’s C-section, with the doctor handing me puppies to resuscitate while I answered his questions. I got the job, maybe because I didn’t faint!

I fell in love with veterinary medicine and became fascinated with cat and dog behavior and care. In my spare time, I read voraciously, and—like many readers—was inspired to write. I submitted personal experience stories as a vet tech to pet magazines and collected a boatload of rejections until an editor took pity on me, and explained what I’d done wrong.

She explained they didn't print articles with sad or tragic endings but preferred hopeful, relatable experiences from which readers could learn. After that I sold 8 stories in a row to her magazine. All I can say is, doG bless mentors!

#1 Tip. Be a mentor! They’re the heaven’s gift to starry-eyed hopefuls and can make dreams come true. Help others, because a rising tide lifts all boats—you’ll benefit as much as anyone.

I graduated to assignments that required interviewing veterinary experts from all over the world. Telephone-tag interviews (this was before email) took place during lunch hours and after work. And then it happened—a New York editor called me to write a book. Mee-wow!

A New York editor read my Cat Fancy magazine articles, and phoned to offer two book contracts. Those titles, published in 1992 by Bantam/Doubleday/Dell, launched my book publishing career.

My third book came after I lost a dog-writing contest, but the editor liked my writing, and asked me to write a kitten book for a Simon & Schuster imprint. And my fourth book publication happened when an editor read and liked my Dog World articles, and asked me to write 16 chapters in a massive Rodale Press pet care book. I quit my day job to write full time, and continued to produce 30-50 articles and columns a year while pursing more book contracts.

#2 Tip. Include bio-notes and contact information in everything you write. Make sure editors and agents can reach you (do you have easy to find CONTACT INFO on your blog?) You never know where that can lead.

LITERARY AGENT—OH BLISS, I’VE ARRIVED!

I broke all the rules to get my agent. She’d turned down my fiction before (drat!) but had expressed interest in my nonfiction background. When her name turned up as a speaker at a writers’ conference I planned to attend, I (gulp!) took a chance and faxed her my pitch.

My relationships with experts in the pet products industry granted me permission to use an impressive imprimatur on two proposed book projects. Within 30 seconds, she called me back, and I had an agent.

#3 Tip. Leverage your expertise & know when to break rules. What you do in your “real life” when incorporated in your writing work can potentially bring you closer to your personal brass ring goal. Look for opportunities and be bold—worst case, they say “no.”

PUBLISHING DIES—I’M SCREWED

After September 11, news became more serious (rightly so), with warm-and-fuzzy TV pet segments no longer welcome. People asked Dr. Google for cat and dog advice (much of it bad or dangerous), rather than reading books. I couldn’t sell anything new, and several of my titles went out of print.

I believed my book career was over, and took a job teaching high school choir. But that led to frustration, so I continued to write in my spare time before work, during lunch, and until midnight or on weekends. And I wrote the pet-centric thriller I’d always wanted to read.

#4 Tip. Creativity breeds creativity. What other creative avenues feed your muse? Writers paint word pictures, composers sing symphonies of sound, and actors bring it all to life. Nourish your creativity. If you can’t write all the time, find other creative ways to feed your muse.

A weight lifted once I gave notice prior to the end of the school year, although I had no writing prospects. This leap of faith paid off within three weeks of leaving school when a book offer came my way (The American Pit Bull Terrier). As soon as I delivered that manuscript, a colleague invited me to write online behavior content for cats.About.com, which also led to me creating the entire puppies.about.com site.

#5 Tip. Be flexible. Dreams come to those who see the reality within the sparkly vision.

Ebooks revitalized my publishing career. I left my agent (OH MY HEAVENS, HOW SCARY!). I listened to my audience and gave them what they wanted and needed. Today my royalty percentage earns far more than any New York deal ever had.

#6 Tip. Look for opportunities in the disappointments. If my books hadn’t gone out of print, I’d never have gotten back the rights, which enabled my re-birth as an Indie author.

Initially I partnered with a small independent press to release updated print versions of my back list books, as well as new nonfiction titles. Together we launched my fiction career with LOST AND FOUND (now perma-free), followed by three more pet-centric thrillers. Attending professional conferences helped me network with established thriller authors like James Rollins, J.T. Ellison, Jon Land and others who actually (SQUEE!) gave me cover quotes for my thrillers.

#7 Tip. Ask for help. Just as it makes YOU feel awesome to be a mentor, graciously accept such gifts from others. Connect with and build a support group of others who share your goals and experience.

In January 2017, I left the small press indie-publisher and updated and reissued all my books under my own imprint. That has allowed me to better plan marketing campaigns, schedule updates, and take control of pricing and income factors in my business.

PASSING IT FORWARD

Other than hiring an outside editor, I can’t afford to pay others for work I can do myself. Besides, nobody cares as much about the end product as I do. So I learn from publishing and marketing experts, just as I learned from veterinary and pet products experts over the years. Today, there are many paths to publishing, and no “right” or “wrong” way to get there. I hope these tips help you reach out and capture the shiny dream that’s close to your heart.

Readers of this blog are already well on the path to writing and publishing success, so congratulations! Follow your muse and grab that writer-ly brass ring. If I can reinvent myself, so can you.

What do you think is the key to writing success? Do you have any questions or tips? Please add them to the comments!

If you’d like to go further, I’ve an exciting new project to share.

This past summer I launched WRITE SCHTUFF COACHING to consolidate all the knowledge from my writing and publishing sessions at dozens of writer conferences and corporate clients. If you’re like many writers, you HATE LEAVING HOME, hate the time and the cost of travel and expense of professional conferences. This 9-course series addresses your writer-icity pain from the comfort of your own space with prescriptive how-to advice, whether you’re multi-published or writing your first book.

Check out the first coaching call for free – it’s available all the time, so you can watch at your leisure: Beat Writer’s Block, stay Motivated & Write the #$%^! Book

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About Amy

Amy Shojai, CABC is a certified animal behavior consultant, and the award-winning author of 30+ nonfiction pet care titles and Thrillers with Bite! Find more about Amy at https://www.SHOJAI.com You can also ENTER for a chance to win a paw-tographed copy of DOG FACTS or CAT FACTS.

Turning Whine Into Gold
by Kathryn Craft

Earlier this year I ran across a social media post by Lauren Vaknine that evokes a concern so common among writers I thought we might discuss it here (used with permission):

“I watched the film Goodbye Christopher Robin last night, and seeing the adoration [A.A. Milne] got from creating Winnie-the-Pooh, it made me upset to live in a time when writers will never really be fully original. Yes, we can tell stories from a different perspective, but doesn’t it feel sometimes as if everything has been done and that same excitement for new stories, ones that excited people, unraveled new ways of thinking and in some cases, changed the world, will never happen again?”

Let’s lay some reality track: the glut in the market is real. The twitchiness among publishers, in these times of unstable political and social change, is real. Trends are real.

So where can we find the hope on which to hang our creative efforts?

First, let’s step back for a clearer historical perspective. We can use Winnie-the-Pooh as an example. The big step forward Milne made was to anthropomorphize stuffed animals, right? Hmm, maybe not. Stories have been attributing human characteristics to animals and objects since before written history. Examples can be found in almost every ancient culture, such as those featuring the trickster characters of Anansi the spider from west Africa and Br’er Rabbit of south and central Africa.

A timeline of select titles shows that Winnie-the-Pooh was doing nothing new.

300 BCE: The Panchatantra, an ancient Indian collection of interrelated animal fables in Sanskirt verse and prose.

100 CE: Aesop’s Fables embedded the notion of the “wily” fox and the “proud” lion.

~interlude while we wait for development of the printing press~

1865: Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
1883: The Adventures of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi
1894: The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling
1901: The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter
1908: The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame
1922: The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
1923: Bambi, a Life in the Woods by Felix Salten
1926: Winnie-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne

Did this rich history make Winnie-the Pooh feel like a knock-off? Instead, maybe it set a stage: George Orwell’s Animal Farm (1945)—an adult political novel featuring anthropomorphized animals—was named in 2005 by Time magazine as one of the 100 best English-language novels.

Think of your own experience: was the Velveteen Rabbit any less moving because 39 years earlier, Pinocchio had also longed to become real? Did this timeline of predecessors drain the emotional power from E.B. White’s Charlotte’s Web, which didn’t arrive until 1952?

It would seem that one’s perception of originality aligns with one’s chronological frame of reference.

If you suffer from despair born of the perception that there is nothing new under the sun, here are some contributing factors you may not have thought about.

1. The social media bubble.

If your Facebook friends are mostly writers, you are living in a rarified bubble that Facebook works to reinforce. If it seems that everyone you know is writing, it’s because they may very well be! But your survey sample is similar to going to an AA meeting and finding that everyone is an alcoholic. While social media may seem like your world, many people still exist who have never met a writer. Many non-writers aren’t on social media. Guess why? They don’t like to write. But they may be looking to read a story just like yours.

2. Zeitgeist.

We can’t always explain the timing of contagious ideas, although the fact that titles with words derived from the word “liar” may not be too surprising at present. Who knows why multiple historical novels about Zelda Fitzgerald or the Spanish flu come out at the same time—but it happens. Many artists have said that an idea was in the air and they grabbed it—Elizabeth Gilbert writes of her experience with this in Big Magic—but even when more than one hung on, each can’t help but give it their own spin.

3. Inexperience.

We tend to reach within the easy boundaries of our life experience for our early novels, since a storytelling education is such a huge learning curve in itself. Eventually we will have to cast further afield for story material. Take more risks to amuse ourselves.

Maybe originality is a destination, not a starting point. That jives with the publishing reality. Truly original work requires a huge gamble, since the publisher won’t be sure how to market it. They may be more likely to take this risk with a known bestselling novelist (= loyal readership) who’s stretching, as opposed to a debut author.

4. Reading on trend.

Trends help the industry because readers want another book they liked as much as the last. If you don’t want to reinforce trends, stop reading in them. If you write women’s fiction, read just enough to know what’s selling and then read science fiction, a thriller, a young adult love story, and then creative nonfiction on a topic of interest. Read a poem. You’ll be supporting original work with your dollars, and the cross-fertilization will help your brain arc in new, exciting ways. Your comp will look less like “Bridget Jones meets the Nanny Diaries” and more like Bambi Meets Godzilla. (I loved that short!)

Just because sales and marketing departments love a trend doesn’t mean that fresh-seeming novels aren’t being written. I just (finally, I know) read Audrey Niffenegger’s The Time Traveler’s Wife (2003) and I’ve never read anything like it. I adored Bryn Greenwood’s All the Ugly and Wonderful Things (2016), along with each one of her 16 points of view. No doubt about it, novels are out there making fresh tracks.

Let’s agree that we can take the word “original” off the table. How are you ensuring that your novel will be a fresh take? What novels have you read lately whose creativity really knocked your socks off? Who here has read more than one novel on a single historic event and can compare original elements?

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About Kathryn

Kathryn Craft  is the award-winning author of two novels from Sourcebooks, The Art of Falling and The Far End of Happy, and a developmental editor at Writing-Partner.com, specializing in storytelling structure and writing craft. Her chapter “A Drop of Imitation: Learn from the Masters” was included in the writing guide Author in Progress, from Writers Digest Books. Janice Gable Bashman’s interview with her, “How Structure Supports Meaning,” originally published in the 2017 Novel & Short Story Writer’s Market, has been reprinted in The Complete Handbook of Novel Writing, both from Writer’s Digest Books.