Writers in the Storm

By Kris Maze

In a previous Writers in the Storm blog post, we covered several common filler words to avoid.  This post extends the list of word-culprits, along with searchable lists, to help you self-edit your writing.  Take some time searching for these in your WIP and tighten your writing today.

Here are 7 insights about trimming our writing by eliminating the fluff expressions. Which ways to do you already use? Which will help you write better? Consider looking for these extraneous words when editing your next WIP.

Pro Tip: Use Ctrl + H shortcut to get the Replace box in Microsoft word (PC).  Search for the words you want to avoid and see how many you can remove from your writing.

Leading Words, Just Leading on the Reader?

Leading words are like pesky flies attaching themselves to the beginning of our sentences.  They lead into the real meat of what you have to say. 

These phrases are my common downfall.  I simply love using the word so. So, sometimes, it infiltrates into my prose. It may be part of my Midwestern vernacular that trails into my writing, but in my stories it’s a distraction that should be cut. The exception to this is in dialogue or other characterization, which is considered later.

If your goal is to make your writing lean, avoid these phrases: So, Mostly, Most times, In order to, Often.  These words do not bring enough impact to your story to keep them. Swat those pests and get them away from your work.

Words to Search:

• So
• Mostly
• Most times
• In order to
• often

In, Out, Up, Down, Cut the Calisthenics

Writers like to add these direction words to common verbs like sit, stand, and go.  We can avoid the extra words by taking away In, Out, Down, and Up.

We may want to say the following things, but it is adequate to cut the direction word and use a simplified, more concise action instead.

She sat down on the tufted davenport.

Or:

 She sat on the tufted davenport.

They all stood up and applauded. 

Or:

They all stood and applauded.

Words to Search:

• Up
• Down
• In
• Out

Dialogue Tags

There are plenty of dialogue dos and don’ts when eliminating fluff words. We understand that dialogue is a place for making the characters sound like they actually are (or how we imagine them to be.)  Inside the quotes, we add what we want to make our characters come alive. It adds flavor to our characters and allows the story to be authentic.

But the opposite is true for those dialogue tags found outside the quotes.

When a dialogue includes more than 2 people, it may be necessary to show the reader who’s speaking, but that can also be accomplished through other means.

Eliminate most of the Robert said, or she said moments with one of following methods.

• Add clues to dialogue words about who they are talking to. Read this example and consider trying something that works with your story content. If you know one character was riding by on a bike, but stopped for a chat, have the other person indicate that with something about a bike.

              “Want to go out on a date?”

              “It looks like there’s room for 2 on that cruiser of a bike.”

• Add an action by the person who is speaking right after the statement and include their name as the subject of that sentence. See the difference between the two examples below.

              “I’ll even let you steer.” Robert said. He tapped the handlebars and showed Cecilia his famous gapped front teeth.

              “I’ll even let you steer.” Robert tapped the handlebars and showed Cecilia his famous gapped front teeth.

• Add varying voices and characterizations to the dialogue.  Does one character have a drawl? Speak with a lisp? Have a tendency to gesture and grunt versus the phrasing of a highly educated erudite? Use appropriate dialogue that matches and enhances a reader’s understanding of your characters.  Your readers will enjoy your interesting variety and they will follow the dialogue with ease.

‘Went’ and So the Reader Did

One common word that can be modified is went. At times it is used as a clunky verb construction, at other times it’s an example of tired writing.  Something ready for revision.  Keep your readers engaged by trying these two tricks.

1.  When describing what happened in your story it may be tempting to use went followed by a verb ending in -ing. An easy fix for these constructions is to use the past tense of the second verb.

He went fishing with Karl every Saturday.

Or:

He fished with Karl.

They went on painting the whole fence the worst shade of putrid green I’ve ever seen.

Or:

They painted the fence the worst putrid green I’ve ever seen.

2. We can use more specific words than went when describing actions.  Try switching out the word went for more dynamic words of movement.

They went through the park after dinner.

Or:

They strolled through the park arm and arm after dinner.

Charlie went through the doggy-door.

Or:

Charlie wriggled through the too-small-for-a-Dane doggie door.

When using went, be certain it is the right word. A stronger word can usually take its place.

Words to Search:

• went

False Starts

Many writers fall prey to these filler phrases.  It is common to use start to, begin to, began to, begun to before the main action of a sentence.  Try a search an see how many you could eliminate from your writing.

He began to breathe again.

Or:

He took a breath.

They started to mix the batter and began to have a delightful conversation over the powder sugar scattered across the counter.

Or:

They mixed the batter and shared storied over the powder sugar scattered across the counter.

Overused Emotions & Expressions

If you have trouble with this one, you are in great company.  Most writers struggle to write facial expressions and emotional descriptions in a new way.  Avoid using clichéd writing and find ways to catch the readers attention with these important story elements.

I recommend taking a class from Margie Lawson for insight on how to write fresh.  She also offers webinars and writer-super-power packets of her foundational courses. As Margie says, “Keep the writing fresh.”  And then she teaches you how to create your own fresh writing in actionable ways.

Words to Search:

• breath
• breathe
• inhale
• exhale
• shrug
• nod
• reach
• See
• Saw
• get
• Add your own culprits here

Keep notes when reading your drafts of words you overuse. Search for any words that echo throughout your writing.  We all have our special go-to phrases to cut.  Keep a list of your commonly overused phrases and learn how to rewrite them in fresh ways.

Overused Body Parts

Another way writers overuse words is by inserting body parts. The words can lose their meaning when overly used.  Sometimes it covers up more sophisticated ways to express the action in a scene.  Do a search on these body parts and see which ones stand out the most. How else could you write these?

Here is a past WITS post from Margie about writing fresh body language.  Take a look at her suggestions and see which ones you could use in your novel.

Words to Search:

• Head
• Eye
• Heart
• Hand
• Arm
• Foot

BONUS FLUFF WORDS TO CUT:

• Honestly
• Absolutely
• Totally
• Virtually
• Literally
• Completely
• Definitely
• Certainly

These sneaky words have their place in dialogue and perhaps in characterization.  But unless it is an 80’s teen throwback on a John Hughes scale, there is no need to add these.  They dull the flavor of your writing with weak and incorrect wording. Like totally.

I hope you have fun with your editing.  Find the places where you can turn dull phrases into page-turning writing, and you can soon have readers rushing in to read more.

What fluff elimination tip did you like from this post?  What new ones can you suggest?

About Kris

Kris Maze is an author, writing coach, and teacher. She has worked in education for many years and writes for various publications including Practical Advice for Teachers of Heritage Learners of Spanish and the award-winning blog Writers in the Storm where she is also a host. You can find her horror stories and young adult writing at her website. Keep up with future projects and events by subscribing to her newsletter.

A recovering grammarian and hopeless wanderer, Kris enjoys reading, playing violin and piano, and spending time outdoors.

And occasionally, she knits.

It's Labor Day here in the United States and we hope you are taking a break from your regularly scheduled labors. For those like Jenny with kids to carpool...we hope you follow her example and pawn them off on someone who owes you babysitting favors. For those who are caregivers...we hope you can line up some respite care, even if it's just for a few hours.

And for anyone who feels guilty taking that "responsible person" break, perhaps you can be comforted and lifted up by focusing on your responsibility to yourself. Even when we write for others, our first audience is ourselves.

Our Advice

Go entertain yourself on the page for a while! Be as happy as that kid in the photo up top, even if it's only for an hour. Take a break from writing what you have to and write what you want to write.

If you still feel guilty for taking a break, read one of these articles:

• This post from Angela Ackerman on avoiding writer's guilt.
• Lisa Norman's take on getting back your writing mojo.
• Jenny Hansen's post about the power of just showing up.

We hope that your labor (or lack thereof) brings you joy today!

~ Ellen, Kris, Jenny, Lisa & Lynette

Top Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

by James Preston

Let’s go. Let’s take a walk, you and I. Let’s visit a haunted house in the world we love, the theme park that we make called Storyland.

Come with me. We’ll use real-life examples, poking gentle fun at some people who have fallen victim to the spooks. And to be fair, I’ll use some of my own gaffes as examples.

There are three rooms in our haunted house, and three parts to this walk:

• Devil in the Details
• Hide the Gun
• and Bumps in the Write.

C’mon, the door’s opening. It’s dark in there. Don’t make me go in there alone.

Devil in the Details

Have you ever been to the Haunted Mansion in Disneyland? There’s a painting of a young woman walking with a parasol, and when the floor drops it shows that she’s on a tightrope over a pit of alligators.

Details can be like that. You think you have it figured out until you see the hungry reptiles. “Look at those choppers!” (What movie is that from? Hint: it’s about a writer.)

Research is your friend.

More research is better, until it’s not. Let me give you an example.

Once upon a time, my wife was reading a romance novel and she started laughing. “The heroine just rode her horse from her home in Pasadena down to the beach and it only took twenty minutes!”

Okay, if you live around Southern California, you know that’s not really possible. My guess is the author did some research, looked at a map and estimated the distance, thinking it could easily happen. It’s a small part of the story, so no big deal, right? Like the plastic skeleton that drops down next to you in the haunted house.

Here’s another reptilian Devil from a romance novel: The heroine’s honey works in the space program, for Nassau, er, NASA. Yep, “Nassau in the Bahamas.” Cue the skeleton. 

Side note: these novels are, on purpose, quite old. I’m not picking on these writers. Well, maybe a little.

To show that I’m fair I’ll tell “the beer story” on myself. Most of the scars have healed.

Anyway, after my first Surf City Mystery came out, I got a letter. A fan letter! Yowza! Hot Dog!

I’m hopping around, bouncing off the ceiling because this guy loves the book. Then I get to the end where he says, “But, James, you have a character peel the label off of a bottle of Corona beer.” (I think, “Well, so? “) “It’s not possible,” he writes. “Corona labels are painted on.”

My next scream was me jumping when the holographic ghost sat down next to me.

A Pet Peeve

One more detail because it’s a pet peeve of mine and it turns up all the time.

The super spy hero swims up to the beach and peels off his wet suit to reveal a tuxedo, complete with carnation. Nope. It’s called a wet suit because you get wet. A dry suit — completely different — does not allow water in.

Details like this stand out to the reader. They’re bad because they cast doubt on the rest of the book.

Hide the Gun 

When you are facing the dreaded “What happens now?” don’t make it too easy. Decide what happens next, and then make it harder. Put something in between where you are and where you want to be.

Spoiler Alert

If you haven’t seen the amazing movie, The Godfather yet, you should go see it immediately.

In The Godfather the bad guys try to kill Don Corleone, so his son Michael decides to kill them at a meeting. One of his men hides a gun at the restaurant where the meeting is to take place. Michael goes into the Men’s Room to get it and can’t find it!

Now what?

At last he finds it. Whew! Then, instead of shooting them, back at the table he sits down and continues the conversation.

What?! He doesn’t shoot immediately. Has he lost his nerve? Now what’s wrong?

"Hide the Gun" means don’t make it too straightforward.

Does he kill them? Do they sleep with the fishes? Wouldn’t you like to know? Hiding the gun makes the story way more interesting than Michael simply walking in, picking it up, and blowing their brains out.

Bumps in the Write

Above all, you want your audience to keep reading. A “bump” is anything that slows them down.

The prime offending speed bump is confusing dialog and cases where the reader has to stop and think or, worse yet, go back to figure out who’s speaking. This is sloppy, but an easy mistake to make (and to fix).

From my own House of Horrors, here is a recent instance in which the holographic ghost not only climbed into the car, she also sat on my lap.

A beta reader loved my new book and then said, “but there were places where I had to go back to figure out who was speaking.” Boo! Here comes a zombie to sit with the ghost.

When a reader has to stop and figure out who’s speaking, you know they’ve hit that bump called “sloppy writing.”

Watch out for this, even when there are only two speakers, especially if the dialog goes on to more than one page. And always, always remember that you know these characters. You know who’s speaking so your brain fills it in. Look for this bump when you edit.

Do these things matter? You bet they do because they are “bumps in your writing” These bumps are what make your reader stop in confusion instead of turning the page. 

Don’t Be Afraid

Here’s how to fix those traps, or at least make them less painful. 

Study your craft.

You’re already doing that by reading this blog. Writers In the Storm essays are a gold mine of good advice. Conventions and classes can help, too — but remember your job is to write. Balance convention/class/study time with actual pounding the keyboard.

Remember, we’re all in this together.

The folks that run Writers in the Storm and contributors like me are at your side as the floor drops and the alligators are revealed. Whatever problems you encounter we have probably been there, too.

Get beta readers.

Find readers and learn how to handle their comments. Listen to what they have to say.

Read this great article for the why and how of beta readers.

In the haunted house, the scary figures are really there to entertain you. Your early readers are — or certainly should be — on your side. If it’s all possible get at least one reader who is not familiar with the work. In my case, with the confusing dialog, the first readers knew the books and knew who was speaking. A new reader didn’t. 

Final Thoughts

Remember when I said, “Come with me?” I meant it. We’re all in this together. 

I’ll close by adding a word to your vocabulary. When a young friend was guiding me through a challenging computer game called Halo, he’d say, “James, look behind you!” That was almost always followed by, “Too late!”

In gamer terms he was my Sherpa, like Tenzing with Sir Edmund Hillary. It’s called Sherpa-ing.

And that’s what Writers in the Storm does. We Sherpa new writers and each other as we make our way through the haunted house called writing fiction.

Watch the details. Hide the gun. Avoid the bumps. 

Bonus task: Find a gamer and ask them if they’ve Sherpa’d anybody lately. They’ll be impressed.

Now that I’ve revealed some of my mistakes, how about you? Wanna share them with us down in the comments? Have any of your readers called you out on any of your details? C’mon, there are new writers out there who will read your comment and learn from your mistakes.

About James

James R. Preston is the author of the multiple-award-winning Surf City Mysteries. He is currently at work on the sixth, called Remains To Be Seen. His most recent works are Crashpad and Buzzkill, two historical novellas set in the 1960’s at Cal State Long Beach. Kirkus Reviews called Buzzkill “A historical thriller enriched by characters who sparkle and refuse to be forgotten.” His books are collected as part of the California Detective Fiction collection at the University of California Berkeley. 

Find out more about James at his website.

Notes

• The movie reference is Romancing the Stone.
• For a great essay on research, see “Research: How Far Will Fiction Authors Go for Facts?” By Sandy Vaile.
• For essays on beta readers and more on research enter those terms in the Writers in the Storm search box.

Top Photo by Eleanor Brooke on Unsplash