Now, I get it. It feels like editors are just splitting hairs and camping out on semantics because the reader will understand what you meant. Let’s look at 4 reasons why we want to avoid these autonomous body parts in fiction – and because I’m always about deep POV geekery, we’ll look at this topic from that angle.
First, let’s keep in mind that you won’t be sitting next to the reader as they’re turning pages and stumbling over phrases. You won’t be there to explain things, or shrug, “You know what I meant.” If you’re justifying these phrases by saying "they’ll figure it out," you’re not doing your job. Your job is to articulate how the character feels and (in deep POV) create an immersive emotional experience for the reader.
The Power Of Specificity And Particularity…
Specificity and particularities enable you – the writer – to really focus on the emotions (the WHY) behind the character’s thoughts and actions. Often, in my experience, these phrases are used as a way to skim over the emotions in a scene instead of going deeper.
(Female is POV Character)
His eyes roamed over her body and she folded her arms over her chest.
His gaze started at her feet and worked its way up her body, pausing over each imperfection as if gauging whether he could overlook what she couldn’t change or conceal.
By being particular and specific, there’s more emotion conveyed. The first version the POV character could be coy, embarrassed, shy or feel vulnerable, the WHY behind her action is unclear. The second version (I hope – because this was just off the top of my head), conveys a sense of violation, of judgment, and even a hint of shame. The reader knows what her insecurities are without having to be told.
The Character Becomes Passive
When the body parts are doing all the moving, what often happens is the character becomes passive. Writers can rely too heavily on these expressions and the reader is left trying to discern how these body parts all became autonomous. Reminds me of Thing from The Addams Family. *body shiver*
Make sure the character has agency, not their body parts. If deep POV is your goal, remember to avoid drawing conclusions for the reader with the author/narrator voice. Often, these expressions are “telling” instead of showing.
Show Don’t Tell
Don’t roll your eyes at this advice, it’s valuable. (See what I did there? *grin*) In deep POV, the goal is to remove the author/narrator voice. These phrases aren’t the POV character observing/describing this about themselves, it’s the observation of an outside entity filtering what they see and stepping into the story to share that with the reader.
By drawing conclusions for the reader, the emotions and the WHY are garbled.
Steve’s fingers flew across the keyboard.
What emotion is being conveyed there? Could be nervous, anxious, hurried/rushed, concentrating, angry… We don’t know. To the writer, their intent is obvious. Steve is <insert emotion>. But in reality, the emotion (the WHY behind the quick typing) is unclear.
Steve tapped out the email, checking his watch every two minutes, before hitting send and heading for the door.
Steve banged on each key, typing as fast as he could think, each stroke more pronounced and sharper than the last.
There’s lots of things you could do with that, but the rewrites (hopefully) convey more emotion through subtext and connotation than “his fingers flew.” The emotion that’s powering the action (the quick typing) is much clearer.
Metaphorical Use vs Literal Use
Janice Hardy makes a really great point on her blog that you likely don’t want to eliminate every moving body part. She writes:
“My heart reached farther than my hands ever could.
“I think the difference between this sentence and say, "My eyes darted over the fruit stand," is the intention of the sentence. If you're trying to be metaphorical, or lyrical, or poetic, then a disembodied body part can work. It's clear you don't mean it literally.” (source here)
Deep POV still makes room for metaphor and poetic language, if it suits the character you’re writing. Remember, in deep POV, you are not telling the story, the character is living out the story and the reader is a fly on the wall inside their heads. That’s why the specificity and particularity is so important in conveying the character’s emotions and the WHY behind their thoughts and decisions.
If your POV character is observing another character, for instance, it may be appropriate for them to describe what they see as “fingers flying across the keyboard” but when describing their own actions, you’re better to show and not tell.
How would your character describing an elevated heart rate? Would they feel their heart is pounding? Is it trying to escape their chest? Does it beat against their ribs like a wrongly convicted man? Maybe they check their smart watch and note their heartrate is up over 100. It’s more about how your character would observe and absorb the information they take in, than about you being poetic in deep POV.
Do you find yourself writing disembodied body parts? Do you think there’s a place for them in deep POV?
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About Lisa
Lisa Hall-Wilson is a writing teacher and award-winning writer and author. She’s the author of Method Acting For Writers: Learn Deep Point Of View Using Emotional Layers. Her blog Beyond Basics For Writers explores all facets of the popular writing style deep point of view and offers practical tips for writers.
She runs the free Facebook group Going Deeper With Emotions where she shares tips and videos on writing in deep point of view.
Imagine, for each of the below statements, receiving each of the above reactions:
“Could you take the trash out?”
“I got you a puppy!”
“I have something to tell you.”
“I love you.”
Actions, so the cliché goes, speak louder than words. Most experts agree that nonverbals make up the bulk of communication, and yet so often authors write scenes that rely mostly on dialogue to convey the dynamics between characters.
Words are a writer’s stock in trade, and what people say matters--but how they react arguably matters even more, as the above exercise indicates. Nonverbals can radically change the effect, meaning, or impact of dialogue.
They’re also key to revealing character--both POV characters as well as every other character in the story. Beyond the words they say and think, readers come to know characters through how they act, react, and interact.
Nonverbals are a powerful tool in your writer’s toolbox for bringing characters and scenes vividly to life on the page. But what are they, exactly, and how can you use them effectively?
What Are Nonverbals and What Do They Do?
Notice in the above photos how much is conveyed--far more than simply each person’s expression. In the top left, for instance, the forward lean might suggest interest or threat or slumping disrespect; the character’s shirtlessness could suggest casualness or provocation (either good or bad); the hand concealing one eye might indicate deception, shyness, skepticism. Every nonverbal this man is evincing could suggest any number of reactions, moods, traits--and even his tattoos convey something about his personality traits or preferences. That’s a lot of information from a single frozen pose, as in each of the other photos as well.
Nonverbals are basically just what they sound like--everything characters do and every behavior they elicit that isn’t the main action or dialogue: body language and posture, demeanor and affect, expressions, eye contact, gestures, level of attentiveness, etc.
They also include contextual details like how they dress, how they’re groomed, their comportment, choices and preferences, what they notice and don’t notice, and countless other under-the-radar elements of what makes up a three-dimensional human being.
Even nuances of dialogue like volume, tone, vocalized reactions, and silence are considered nonverbals.
Let’s look at an example to see what nonverbals can add to a scene--this is an excerpt from Kiley Reid’s wonderful book Such a Fun Age:
Seconds later, Zara’s phone exploded with sound. She flinched, said, “Whoops,” and turned the volume down. Synth filled the aisle, and as Whitney Houston began to sing, Zara began to twist her hips. Briar started to hop, holding her soft white elbows in her hands, and Emira leaned back on a freezer door, boxes of frozen breakfast sausages and waffles shining in waxy cardboard behind her.
Emira joined them as Zara sang the chorus, that she wanted to feel the heat with somebody. She spun Briar around and crisscrossed her chest as another body began to come down the aisle. Emira felt relieved to see a middle-aged woman with short gray hair in sporty leggings and a T-shirt reading St. Paul’s Pumpkinfest 5K. She looked like she had definitely danced with a child or two at some point in her life, so Emira kept going. The woman put a pint of ice cream into her basket and grinned at the dancing trio. Briar screamed, “You dance like Mama!”
There are five words of dialogue in these two paragraphs; much of the impression readers have of this scene lies in the nonverbals:
Zara’s flinch indicates she’s self-conscious about the loud ringtone in the tony grocery store the group is in.
The women’s respective reactions reveal character/mood/affect: Zara immediately launches into dancing; Briar’s cute body language and hops suggest she’s a child (and an unself-conscious one) even without our knowing already, and Emira’s hanging back at first tells us something about her too.
But Emira quickly joins right in with abandon--showing us another facet of her personality--till her relief at seeing the woman who comes into the aisle indicates that part of her is worried about propriety or is self-conscious or embarrassed, etc.
The woman’s appearance, casual attire, and affect (“like she had danced with a child or two at some point in her life”) suggest to Emira that she isn’t offended or annoyed by their antics, along with her carrying on with her shopping and grinning at their group, and thus Emira is comfortable continuing.
Briar’s scream indicates joy or perhaps that she’s a very unfettered, outgoing child.
That’s a lot of character info in two short grafs, none of which would have been conveyed by just a description of the action and dialogue:
Zara’s phone rang loudly. “Whoops.” She turned the volume down and started dancing with Briar, and after a moment Emira joined in. A woman coming into the aisle for ice cream smiled at them as Briar said, “You dance like Mama!”
Nonverbals help you paint your protagonists and their interactions with texture and depth. What is conveyed, for example, if your protagonist pulls the lapels of her jacket closed when her male boss walks in? If she sits up tall behind her desk, or leans back? If she grips the edges of her seat below his sightline? If she knocks over her coffee mug in a flurry of frenetic hand gestures? Each of these nonverbal cues tells readers something very different--and very distinct--about what’s going on inside her, and that’s what plunges us directly into your characters and scenes.
But they’re also invaluable for adding context and depth to other characters and their interactions with your protagonist. What do your POV characters observe in the people around them that informs the dynamics of the scene? How do other characters act and react, what is their affect or demeanor or mood?
Let’s say in our hypothetical scene above the boss knocks on her doorjamb with a single knuckle, grins, and leans one shoulder in the open doorway. Or he lets himself in the closed door without preamble, walking behind her desk and sitting on the edge so close his knees brush hers. Or fidgets in the chair across from her, or manspreads in it and leans forward leering, or stands looming over her, arms crossed.
In each instance, readers not only have a clear picture of the scene, but we’re forming impressions of the characters and what’s happening between them--just as your protagonist is. Which is an excellent way of plunging us directly into the scene and bringing it to life: We “see” it too, so we feel we’re part of it. It’s vivid, immediate, and real.
How to Use Nonverbals to Strengthen Your Story
The best way to learn how to effectively use nonverbals in your own scenes--as with so many other aspects of craft--is to learn to pay attention to them in others.
Try this exercise: Turn on a scene in a movie or TV show, but close your eyes and only listen. What do you know or infer about what’s going on from just the dialogue? Now back up that same scene and watch it--but this time with the sound off. How do the nonverbals change your impressions and the dynamics?
At night my husband watches TV in bed with headphones on (so I can read, of course), and I like to look up and see how much I can pick up on what a scene is about by watching something I’ve never seen before with no sound. Try this and you may be astonished how clearly the true dynamics of a scene come through without your hearing a single word of dialogue.
You can also do this with whatever you’re reading. Pick out especially vivid passages and dissect the prose as we did with Such a Fun Age Above to see what you glean about the characters and their dynamics from nonverbals, how much of the nuance of a scene is conveyed beneath the surface of simply what’s being said.
Become a student of human nature--others’ and your own. Tune into your own behavior, reactions, expressions in moments of emotion, for instance. (This is also a great cognitive behavioral psychology/Buddhist method of gaining some objectivity in these moments, as an added bonus.) When I’m nervous I talk much faster, for instance; I gesture a lot; I smile and laugh so much my face aches.
In conversations with others, notice how much of what you’re reacting to lies beyond the other person’s words: their facial expressions from which you infer their reactions, how they sit or stand, how close they are to you, nonverbal vocalizations of agreement or encouragement or skepticism or scorn.
And of course, we’re writers, so sit in a coffeeshop or bookstore (thank you, vaccines!) and watch other people interact. How much of their conversations can you glean simply from watching their body language, gestures, expressions?
Final Thoughts
Writers are sociologists of the human condition, avocational animal behaviorists whose subject is the endlessly faceted, fascinating Homo sapiens. Bring all that depth and color to your characters, scenes, and stories by digging into the rich vein of communication that lies under the surface of simply what is said.
Do you take care to add nonverbals to your stories as you write, or do you add them in later? How do you decide which ones to add and which ones to leave out? Share your process with us down in the comments!
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About Tiffany
Tiffany Yates Martin has spent nearly thirty years as an editor in the publishing industry, working with major publishers and New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, and USA Today bestselling and award-winning authors as well as indie and newer writers, and is the founder of FoxPrint Editorial and author of the bestsellerIntuitiveEditing: A Creative and Practical Guide to Revising Your Writing. Check out her free “Self-editing Checklist” on the Resources page of her website, www.foxprinteditorial.com. Under the pen name Phoebe Fox, she's also the author of six novels, including the upcoming The Way We Weren't (Berkley).
To dig deeper into bringing characters to life, join me and Jane Friedman Wed., June 2 for our webinar Craft Believable and Compelling Characters, 1-2:15 EST. $25. (Recording available for attendees afterward.)
I enjoy presenting workshops, and the latest one I did was on “Writing Dialogue That’s Real But Even Better.” Toward the end, I give ten tips for writing dialogue, and I figured I’d share five of them with y’all today and five next time!
(All examples come from YA paranormal short stories I'm releasing later this year!)
1. Minimize dialogue tags.
Sometimes you need a “he said” or “she asked,” but oftentimes you don’t need a dialogue tag at all. You can show who’s speaking by having the character do or feel something before or after the part in quotes.
Before
“There she is!” my father announced, and my family exploded with excitement.
“Faye!” they all greeted me, and my two nieces, seven and four years old, dropped their Candy Land game and surged toward me. They hugged my torso with exclamations of “Auntie Faye!”
I was glad to see everyone, but suspicious too. Why were they here?
“Hey, girls!” I scooped each niece into a cozy embrace, and their soft curls tickled my nose.
“For our guest of honor,” my mother said, handing me a crystal chalice.
After
My father stood front and center. “There she is!”
“Faye!” My name reached the rafters in a chorus of excitement.
My two nieces dropped their Candy Land game, surged toward me, and hugged my waist. “Auntie Faye! Auntie Faye!”
I was glad to see everyone, but suspicious too. Why was my entire family here?
“Hey, girls!” I scooped each niece into a cozy embrace, and their soft curls tickled my nose.
My mother handed me a crystal chalice. “For our guest of honor.”
Above example is from My Team's Fairy Godmother.
Avoiding tags when possible is a better use of your word count, helps with flow, and deepens POV.
2. Use body language, tone, and internal thought for subtext.
The spots outside and around quotation marks are prime real estate for deepening character and plot. After all, what do we do when we're in conversation with others? We mentally process our thoughts and their words. We have visceral reactions to the content, tone, and body language of others. We give background for why we're perceiving things as we do.
Before
“It’s got to be better than before, when it was impossible to live up to the Nickie Gold Standard," Karyn says.
“Nickie sucks out every bit of energy my parents have," I answer. "They barely know I’m alive.”
“So no perks? Nothing?” Karyn fishes for a way to spark my optimism or at least my snark.
“Well,” I say, “Nickie did tell me I can take just about anything from her old wardrobe.”
After
“It’s got to be better than before, when it was impossible to live up to the Nickie Gold Standard.” Karyn air-quotes those last words, like they’re a brand.
Actually, the way things were before sounds pretty good. “Nickie sucks out every bit of energy my parents have. They barely know I’m alive.”
“So no perks? Nothing?” Karyn fishes for a way to spark my optimism or at least my snark. I feel for her. This wilting version of me isn’t exactly a TARDIS-full of fun.
“Well,” I say, looking for any silver lining, no matter how tarnished. “Nickie did tell me I can take just about anything from her old wardrobe.”
Above example is fromMy Sister's Demon.
Create tension and help the reader learn more about your characters with subtext—the unspoken part of the conversation.
3. Make sure the reader knows who’s talking!
When I’m copyediting, one of the most common comments I add in the margin is “Who’s talking here?” Without proper cues, it’s easy to lose track of who the speaker is. That’s even more likely to become an issue when dialogue goes back and forth for a while between or among speakers.
Before
DeDe strolled into sight, sporting a tangerine bikini on her tanned body. “Yeah, good thing you were there,” she drolled. “Can we get back in the pool now?” Her mother pursed her lips and cocked her head. A show of disapproval. “I’m glad you’re okay. Justin was really worried when he first brought you in.”
As if she’d filled her obligation, she turned back to her mom, raised her eyebrows in question, and received a curt nod of dismissal. And permission apparently, because she sashayed out of the room and I heard the sliding door to the backyard open and close.
“Don’t mind DeDe. She’s trying to make new friends. New kid on the block, you know?”
After
DeDe strolled into sight, sporting a tangerine bikini on her tanned body. “Yeah, good thing you were there,” she drawled. “Can we get back in the pool now?”¶
Her mother pursed her lips and cocked her head. A show of disapproval.¶
DeDe forced a smile onto her face and turned to me. “I’m glad you’re okay. Justin was really worried when he first brought you in.”
As if she’d filled her obligation, she turned back to her mom, raised her eyebrows in question, and received a curt nod of dismissal. And permission apparently, because she sashayed out of the room and I heard the sliding door to the backyard open and close.
“Don’t mind my sister.” Justin gestured toward her exit with his head. “She’s trying to make new friends. New kid on the block, you know?”
Above example is fromMy Neighbor's Shapeshifter.
Make sure the speaker’s identity is clear by ensuring the character’s names or pronouns are periodically mentioned, by giving characters distinct voices, and by creating a new paragraph each time the speaking stick is passed, so to speak.
4. Use names in dialogue sparingly.
Other than getting one another’s attention or emphasizing a point, people rarely say one another’s names in conversation. (Not that many shows realize this. Looking at you, Supernatural.)
Before
“It’s one in the morning.” She scans my black tee and skull jammie pants with obvious disapproval. “Glynnis—”
“It's Glyn, Joanne” I remind her for the fiftieth time.
“I know you don’t have school in the morning, but it’s too late to be up and rummaging through the pantry. If I hear someone down here in the middle of the night, Glynnis, I’m likely to mistake you for a robber.”
The irony hits me with a thud. My stepmom has no clue there are live-in burglars in her house. Ghost burglars.
“Speaking of which, Glynnis…” She enters the kitchen, swishing past me in her thick robe—under which she’s probably wearing nothing, dear God help me—and gets a glass from the cupboard.
Old Elsie moves away from the stove, giving Joanne plenty of space.
“I’m missing a pair of earrings.” Joanne fills her glass with water from the sink, leans against the kitchen cabinet, and lifts an eyebrow.
After
“It’s one in the morning.” She scans my black tee and skull jammie pants with obvious disapproval. “Glynnis—”
“Glyn,” I remind her for the fiftieth time.
“I know you don’t have school in the morning, but it’s too late to be up and rummaging through the pantry. If I hear someone down here in the middle of the night, I’m likely to mistake you for a robber.”
The irony hits me with a thud. My stepmom has no clue there are live-in burglars in her house. Ghost burglars.
“Speaking of which…” She enters the kitchen, swishing past me in her thick robe—under which she’s probably wearing nothing, dear God help me—and gets a glass from the cupboard.
Old Elsie moves away from the stove, giving Joanne plenty of space.
“I’m missing a pair of earrings.” Joanne fills her glass with water from the sink, leans against the kitchen cabinet, and lifts an eyebrow.
Above example is fromMy Stepmom's Ghosts.
In the After example, the stepmom uses a name just once, so that the reader can note the stepdaughter's correction and the stepmom ignoring her preferred nickname—thus telling you something about each of them. Your dialogue will reflect reality and flow better if characters speak another’s name only when they have good reason to do so.
5. Be careful with exposition in dialogue.
While watching a crime show on TV, I tend to chuckle when a police car pulls up to a building, one officer says something like “This apartment showed up as one of the suspect’s former addresses. Let’s see what clues we can find here,” and the other officer appears to have had no idea whatsoever where they were going and why.
Of course, they would have discussed all that long before they arrived, but the viewer needs to know so the screenwriters just dropped exposition into dialogue. Yes, sometimes you have to give some information to the reader through dialogue, but if so, do just a little, make it as smooth as possible, and use realistic timing.
Before
He was average in height, but the way he held his body made him more striking in stature. His copper-brown hair and mocha eyes would have been unremarkable, except they contrasted so sharply with his stark, pale skin.
“What on earth is he doing here?” Kirsten spit out the question as if she had cobwebs in her mouth.
“Checking out colleges like us?” Us and hundreds of other students from our campus and nearby high schools. He must attend a local high school to be here, though I hadn’t heard any rumor buzz. I couldn’t wrench my eyes from him, this miracle man, while he shook hands with other guys in his circle and raised the sides of his mouth in a full, but tightly-shut grin. Hiding what lay past those peach lips. “I wonder if he’d let me interview him.”
“Interview him?” She slapped the slick college catalog closed. “Are you crazy? There is no way I’m going anywhere near that guy. I can’t believe we’re even allowing them out in the open…as if they’re harmless.”
Her opinion was widely shared, but rarely spoken in public anymore. Was she that narrow-minded?
I shook my head. “Our government brokered an agreement with vampires. They’re euthanasiasts now, helping terminally ill patients pass easily while still getting the blood they need. We should see them as mercy killers.”
She glanced back at him. “The important word is ‘killers.’ No, thanks.”
After
He was average in height, but the way he held his body made him more striking in stature. His copper-brown hair and mocha eyes would have been unremarkable, except they contrasted so sharply with his stark, pale skin.
“What on earth is he doing here?” Kirsten spit out the question as if she had cobwebs in her mouth.
“Checking out colleges like us?” Us and hundreds of other students from our campus and nearby high schools. He must attend a local high school to be here, though I hadn’t heard any rumor buzz. I couldn’t wrench my eyes from him, this miracle man, while he shook hands with other guys in his circle and raised the sides of his mouth in a full, but tightly-shut grin. Hiding what lay past those peach lips. “I wonder if he’d let me interview him.”
“Interview him?” She slapped the slick college catalog closed. “Are you crazy? There is no way I’m going anywhere near that guy. I can’t believe we’re even allowing them out in the open…as if they’re harmless.”
Her opinion was widely shared, but rarely spoken in public anymore. Was she that narrow-minded?
I shook my head. “They’re euthanasiasts now. Mercy killers.”
She glanced back at him. “The important word is ‘killers.’ No, thanks.”
Above example is fromMy School's Vampire.
There's a paragraph one chapter later that explains the government agreement, but it doesn't need to be here in conversation. They both know about the agreement! All the reader needs is a tease.
Try applying the same approach: Tease First, Explain Later.
That's it for today—five quick tips for writing dialogue. Many of you likely know these tips already, but it's always good to have reminders! Dig deep into your editing process and look for ways to improve dialogue so that it reveals character, keeps the plot moving, and pops. In particular, make sure it's real enough to keep the reader engaged!
Stay tuned for Tips 6 through 10 next time!
Do you have a dialogue pet peeve, or something that you struggle with when you write dialogue? Are you brave enough to let us see it down in the comments?
About Julie
Julie Glover is an award-winning author of mysteries and young adult fiction. She also writes supernatural suspense under the pen name Jules Lynn.
Her first YA release was Sharing Hunter, a Golden Heart® Finalist, and her most recent release is Driving Emma, a young adult contemporary short story. Later this year, she will be releasing five YA paranormal short stories.
When not writing, she collects boots, practices rampant sarcasm, and advocates for good grammar and the addition of the interrobang as a much-needed punctuation mark.
