Writers in the Storm

by Laura Drake

I chose this month's submission to help explain how to show a tense scene from within the character, instead of telling - as if we're watching a movie. This scene has the potential to be edge-of-your-seat stuff, but it has several problems.
 
Thank you, brave soul, for trusting me with your work. I hope you find this helpful.
 
Here we go:
 
My edits:
Black = original
Red = my thoughts/comments
Purple = text I added/altered

Original

Tobias Baker drew his fingertips across eyelids that longed for rest while descending in the elevator. He celebrated his tenth anniversary working for the Palmer accounting firm three months ago. His job presented him with endless paperwork during tax season. He lumbered out of the building and over to a kiosk outside of the parking garage. Raychel, his six-year-old daughter, would be expecting a treat, candy or gum. The vendor had gray hair, a toothless smile, and tissue paper wrinkles on weathered brown skin. He was dressed in his customary pair of green coveralls worn thin around the knees. Tobias’ eyes roamed the selection of goodies and landed on a pink package of bubble gum

A rustling noise inside the entrance to the garage caught his attention. Two boys, not more than fifteen, fidgeted in the shadows. He paid for the gum and stuffed it into his shirt pocket. The boys ducked a little deeper inside keeping an eye on him as he approached the garage entrance.

“Hey man,”one of them yelled.

Tobias stopped beside his car. Intuition told him this would not be a good situation.The boys swarmed in on him. One of them was smaller than the other and looked to be younger. His complexion was darker, wore short braids with red beads woven in, and stood slightly behind the taller older boy. Their eyes roamed the room like a puppy cornered in an ally and their bodies twitched and shifted from side to side. The smaller boy repeatedly looked over his shoulder,watching for someone or something. The older boy looked down at his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“You got any money, man? We haven’t eaten in a while. Just enough for a burger or something.” His voice was weak, slightly louder than a whisper.

Tobias, a tall man, leaned forward and reached into his back pocket for his wallet.

 “Sure. I can help you out.”

 “We hadn’t eaten all day. Man, we’re hungry,” said the younger boy becoming increasingly agitated.

Many people in the community needed money these days. Poverty had become a common problem since the big auto industry moved out several years ago. The older boy leaned in close to Tobias. His warm breath wafted across his face.

“You know...”

The boy reached deep into the pocket of his soiled hoodie. He fumbled with something then shoved it up against Tobias’ chest. Pop! Pop! Tobias could smell the discharge from the gun. His chest burned. Blood pumps rhythmically from two holes directly above his heart.

Do you see how the POV shifts - from within the main character, to almost an omniscient (narrator POV?) I'll point out where in my edits. 

Edits

The elevator descended. Tobias Baker drew his fingertips across eyelids that longed for rest while descending in the elevator. He celebrated his tenth anniversary working for the Palmer accounting firm three months ago. Don't slow the critical beginning with details we don't need.His job presented him with endless paperwork during tax season. He lumbered out of the building and stopped at over to  a kiosk outside of the parking garage. Raychel, his six-year-old daughter, would be expecting a treat, maybe candy or gum. You tell us what he buys, farther down. We can tell by the context she's young. We don't need to know exactly how old yet. The vendor had gray hair, a toothless smile, and tissue paper wrinkles on weathered brown skin.Great description! He was dressed in his customary pair of green coveralls worn thin around the knees. Tobias’ eyes roamed scanned the selection of goodies and landed decided on a pink package of bubble gum.

You only want to sketch bare bones in the beginning - enough to anchor the reader in time, place, and character. Then jump to the tension - that will build reader empathy, and peak interest.

A rustling noise inside the entrance to the garage caught his attention. Two teenage boys, not more than fifteen, fidgeted in the shadows. He paid for the gum, and stuffed it into his shirt pocket, and walked toward the garage entrance. The boys ducked a littledeeper inside inside what? the building? the shadows? keeping an eye on him as he approached the garage entrS

            “Hey man,” one of them yelled.

            Tobias stopped beside his car, senses on alert. See how this shows, instead of telling? Intuition told him this would not be a good situation. The boys swarmed in on him. 'Swarmed sounds menacing to me. What does HE think? A taller, older boy stood in front of a darker one with red beads woven in his hair. One of them was smaller than the other and lookedto be younger. His complexion was darker, wore short braids with red beadswoven in, and stood slightly behind the taller older boy. more important than all this - what expressions are they wearing? Open and sincere? menacing? Their eyes roamed theroom like a puppy cornered in an ally I wouldn't use 'puppy' to describe them - he knows they're a threat. Their bodies twitched, and shifting ed from side to side. The smaller boy repeatedly looked shot looks over his shoulder,watching for someone or something. we know. The older boy looked down at his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets.

            “You got any money, man? We haven’t eaten in a while. Just enough for a burger or something...we haven't eaten in a while.” His voice was weak, only slightly louder than a whisper.

            Tobias, a tall man, leaned forward and reached into his back pocket for his wallet.  Okay, I have several problems with this. telling us he's a tall man isn't his thought. So you've shifted out of third person POV to omniscient - a narrator's voice. But even more important - what is Tobias feeling?  Because he recognized the threat earlier. WHY would he take his wallet out now? Isn't he the least bit concerned? I'd think Van Diesel would be wary in this situation! If you want the reader to follow your character, you have to build a solid basis for why he'd do something so stupid. Was he homeless or hungry as a kid? Does he donate time to work with the homeless? See what I mean?

            “Sure. I can help you out.”

            “We hadn’teaten all day. Man, we’re hungry,” This is all a repeat. I'd have him say something else. said the younger boy becoming increasingly agitated. Instead of telling us he's agitated show us. He's on drugs, right?

            Many people in the community needed money these days. Poverty had become a common problem since the big auto industry moved out several years ago. This is preachy, and not what I'd think he'd be thinking right now. If he has reason NOT to be afraid, explain it here. The older boy leaned in close To Tobias. His warm breath wafting across Tobias' face.

            “You know...” Who says, this, and why? There's not enough here for us to guess.

            The boy reached deep into the pocket of his soiled hoodie. He fumbled with something then shoved it up against Tobias’ chest. Pop! Pop! Tobias could smell the discharge from the gun. His chest burned. Blood pumps rhythmically from two holes directly above his heart.   Okay, if he was shot twice in the heart, he'd be dead almost immediately. No time to smell the discharge. Instead of telling us - put yourself in his situation - what would you feel/see? I'll try to show you:

Pop! Pop! 

His chest exploded in blood-tinged agony. His legs dissolved and his head cracked the concrete. Black spots swarmed from the corners of his vision and the face rimmed with red beads faded...to nothing. 

Okay, that's not good, but see how it's a closer POV?

A witness standing between the kiosk and garage watched the scene unfold and told the police, “The boy didn’t hesitate. Pulled the gun, shot twice. Right in the center of that man’s chest. This is an abrupt, jerky shift of POV - and not even into the bystander, really. And it's repetitious - it doesn't tell us anything new.  I'd end the scene at the high point - Tobias dying. 

What do you think?

Do you ever have problems staying anchored in POV?

Laura's December release, The Last True Cowboy, was chosen by Amazon's Editorial Board as one of the Best Books of the Month!  

All of us at Writers In The Storm wish our loyal reader friends a wonderful holiday season. Below, we've gathered some wishes for you, and a few of our favorite holiday photographs.

Laura Drake:

I would give our readers confidence.

Writing is brutal, sweat and blood work, and I'll bet even Nora has bouts of wobbly confidence. Crit feedback, agent/pub rejections, pitch sessions -- the opportunity to feel like a hack are legion.

Know that you're not alone, and push through the self-doubt.

Your published book is waiting for you on the other side of that wall!

Julie Glover: They won't fit in your stocking, but I wish you all a circle of faithful supporters. Your circle might come from publishing professionals, personal friends, fellow writers, or close family, but we all need people in our corner to remind us that we're on the right track.

Find, or treasure, those cheerleaders who help you put out your best work, pick yourself up when things go awry, and believe in your stories and ability to write them.

And remember that we at Writers in the Storm are your supporters too. You can do this!

Jenny Hansen: I wish you the gift that makes so many other things possible: Time.

Time can be found, if you know where to look. I found four hours a month with the addition of monthly housekeeping. It is the best $90 I spend every month.

You will find more time in your life by being willing to ask for help. It can be found in making lists, using timers for tasks, and in making ironclad appointments with your writing.

Most important tip, and the hardest for me, time can be found by letting go of "perfect." Letting go of the perfect image-face-body-house-child will save a ton of time in your life. Do your best, work on happiness for you and your family, and let the rest go.

Fae Rowen: If I were one of Santa's elves, I would give all of us more joy in our writing. The joy of creating our own stories and our own characters to share this life's journey. The joy of putting together just the right pieces of a plot to complete the puzzle that is the evolution of our novels. The joy of growing in our craft. The joy of finishing our books. The joy of knowing others will read our words and be inspired by them.

We hope you get more writing time in 2019.

Happy Holidays to you and yours from all of us here at WITS. Writers In The Storm wouldn't be what it is without every one of you. THANK YOU!!

If you have virtual gifts for our WITS Writing Community, please use the comments to share them.

If you use WordPress.org for your website, you were recently prompted to update the WordPress software to a new format. The new format is called Gutenberg (a bold move to compare website software with the printing press, but we'll roll with it), and it operates with a block system.

In case you're feeling a little lost, I'm going to lay out some basics so you can navigate your way around the new format without resorting to prayers or chocolate.

An overview of the format

Blogging formats were previously laid out like word processing software. That is, they primarily featured text with add-in options like images and tables. But with people taking in more and more information through visual and audio mediums, blogging software is changing to accommodate.

WP's Gutenberg is laid out more like a magazine, newsletter, or presentation. If you've worked with Microsoft PowerPoint, you've already used this approach with various boxes holding titles, text, images, tables, etc. which you can adjust and move around to get the layout you want. Thinking of your website that way may help you make the shift from WP's old format to the new one.

It's all about blocks

Blocks are simply boxes that contain data—whether image, text, or plugin. The default block type is paragraph, which is your basic text box. If you add a new post and just start typing below the Title box, you'll get a paragraph of text. Each time you click Return, you'll create a new block of text.

But what if you want something else? You have three options:

1. Mouse-click the plus-sign in a circle at the top left, which opens a drop-down menu of common options: Paragraph, Image, Quote, etc. Scrolling down, you'll see even more choices, including your own plugins. Clicking there will create a new block of whatever you chose.

2. Type Return to create a new, empty block and a plus-sign will appear on the left. Click that sign, and you'll see a menu of block types. Choose which one you want. 

3. Click anywhere in the block you're in and a menu will appear at the top left of the block itself. Where the block type is identified by an icon (a ¶ for a paragraph, a ” for a quote, etc.), you can click and choose a different block type.

At any time, you can change a block to another type by clicking that same icon. So if you type a paragraph and decide it's really a heading, just click that + and change it to Heading. Other text options include a List, Quote, Verse, and Preformatted. But more text options are available (like a Pullquote) from the plus-sign at that top left corner or by creating an empty block and clicking the plus-sign on the left side.

Working with images

As mentioned above, when you create a new, empty block, the plus-sign off to the left side presents you with a menu of options. Among those are Image, Media + Text, and Gallery. An image is just what you think—inserting an image into a block. From there, you can decide whether to keep the image in-line, center it, or move it left or right. If you move it left or right, text from paragraph blocks below will wrap around your image.

A Gallery is simply more than one photo in a single block. Lining up more than one photo was more difficult to do in the old WordPress, so this Gallery feature is a real upgrade. Just click Gallery, choose your photos, and it will display rather neatly on your page.

Media + Text allows you to place a photo and text that goes with it into a single block. This isn't the same as the wrap-text feature you get by moving an image left or right, but rather a way to specifically link image and text. For authors, this would be a great block for displaying a book cover with the story description and buy links off to the side.

Using the sidebar

Several functions that were previously displayed in a menu above are now on the right-hand sidebar. You can view or hide that sidebar by clicking the gear icon (for settings) at the top right corner.

Once you're there, you have two options—to view Document settings or just Block settings. Within a block, you can change text color in a paragraph, add a custom URL link for an image, change the font size, etc. Clicking over to document, you'll see the place for categories, tags, featured image, and description. You can also change author there (nice for us, since we have four main hostesses of this blog!), as well as settings for publishing.

Saving and publishing your post

WordPress Gutenberg now auto-saves your work. WordPress itself just says every several seconds, but other sites claim its every 60 seconds. Regardless, you'll periodically see Save Draft at the top left corner change to Autosaving, then Saved, and back to Save Draft. Having lost a lot of work before, I'm really happy about the autosave feature. 

But when you're ready to save, schedule, or publish the post yourself, here's the scoop:

To save, click Save Draft. The word will change to Saving and then back to Save Draft. Warning: We've had some issues with saving and currently believe it's an update/theme conflict. If this happens to you, wait until you see the Autosaving message again, then refresh the page, and everything will be back to normal. If your theme creator is regularly updating, they should fix the glitch soon.

To Publish a post, simply click the Publish button at the top right corner. The automatic settings are to publish immediately. However, WordPress has now added a confirmation step! So after clicking Publish, you'll need to confirm that request for the post to go live by clicking a second Publish button. Having accidentally published a post before I was ready, I also like this new feature.

If you want to schedule a post, make sure you can see your right-hand sidebar (click the gear icon at the top right if you can't), click over to Document, and change the Publish - Immediately to the date and time you want instead. The Publish button at the top right will automatically change to Schedule. Again, you'll have a second step to confirm that you want to schedule the post and you'll click Schedule a second time.

If you just want the classic editor back...

Let's say you updated, but you want to go back to the classic editor. You can do that by installing the Classic Editor plugin developed and maintained by WordPress. Once activated, the plugin will disable the Gutenberg update and return you to the editor you're used to seeing.

But before you do that... Let me make a quick case that everything is headed this way. If you're in the middle of a book release or a blogging challenge or something, you may well want to go back to the Classic Editor for the time being. However, the block setup is how most newsletters—which authors should have—and marketing materials are set up. So if you can take the time to master the new format, it will help you in the long run.

And eventually, certainly by 2022 at the latest, WordPress will stop supporting the Classic Editor. Before then, many plugins that worked with the editor will no longer be supported because they will have changed over. So while learning curves can suck—and we had no idea when we decided to write books how much tech we had to learn!—this change can really be a good one for us.

One trick to get a classic editor feel without reloading the old software would be to use a single block for your text. In the Gutenberg software, if you type a paragraph and click the Return button, you get a separate paragraph block. But you can create a paragraph within the same block by pressing the Shift key while clicking Return. So Shift + Return makes a new paragraph within a block.

The tips above should get y'all started. Those of you who have worked in the new Gutenberg block format for a while might have found even more shortcuts (which we hope you'll share in the comments)!

Have you updated to the new WordPress? What features are you struggling to find or use? What would you like me to cover next time?

About Julie

Julie Glover would far prefer to write books and leave the technology questions to her computer-savvy sons. But necessity is the mother of frustration despair invention.

When not wrangling with software, Julie writes mysteries and young adult fiction. Her YA contemporary novel, SHARING HUNTER, finaled in the 2015 RWA® Golden Heart®. She is represented by Louise Fury of The Bent Agency.

You can visit her website here and also follow her on Twitter and Facebook.