Writers in the Storm

Margie Lawson is back with another can't miss blog! AND, a giveaway. Read on!

Writers know SHOW DON’T TELL, but some know it cognitively. It’s rote.

They know SHOW DON’T TELL the same way they know i before e except after c.

Applying SHOW DON’T TELL is tougher than it seems. It’s one of Barbara Kingsolver’s Top Five Rules for Writing Fiction.

Show, don't tell. Everybody knows this rule, and most of us still break it in every first draft.

I don’t care if you TELL in your first draft. I care if you TELL in a polished draft, or in print.

I see way too much TELLING in assignments posted to my classes. And sometimes the writers can’t see the problem.

One way to learn the power of SHOW DON’T TELL, is to look at a sentence and ask yourself, “What’s the Visual?”

I’ll share a few BEFORE and AFTER examples from my online classes. You’ll see my notes from class in red font.

These two writers gave me permission to use their examples, and their names.

Examples:

The first example is from Callene Rapp, a multi-Margie-Grad, and Immersion grad.

Callene Rapp, Bloodstone

BEFORE:

The cat turned to face her, snarling and snapping its jaws.  But instead of running away, it now saw Elieana as its new prey.

My notes:

PINK – Love the alliteration.

BLUE – Telling.  I’d nix TELLING.

 What’s the visual? How does E know she’s prey?

AFTER:

The cat turned to face her, snarling and snapping. But instead of fleeing, it crept toward her, one paw then another, lethal, menacing.

Excellent!  Much stronger! 

Callene provided the visual, gave it a cadence boost, added power words, and made me cringe.  ;-)

BLOG GUESTS:  My last sentence is an example of an obscure rhetorical device, ZEUGMA.  So fun – and powerful.

Second Example from Callene Rapp, Bloodstone

BEFORE:

She scrambled to her feet and ran to Lia. The furious look on Arin’s face stopped her cold. A mix of fury, panic, fear.

 Blood was everywhere.

My notes:

PINK -- Stellar writing.

Love that flicker face emotion!

BLUE  -- What’s the visual?  Where is the blood?

 AFTER:

She scrambled to her feet and ran to Lia.  The furious look on Arin’s face stopped her cold. A mix of fury, panic, fear.

Blood welled up from Lia’s ruined shoulder, gleaming darkly in the moonlight. It pooled on the ground, covered Arin’s hands and clothes. Too much blood. Too much for a little girl to lose and live.

Wow!  Look what a difference Callene made in that rewrite.

She did more than share the visual, she amplified that visual, added more power words, and backloaded the paragraph with a power internalization.

Here’s a BEFORE and AFTER from Lori Freeland. Lori is a multi-Margie-grad and an Immersion Master Class grad too. 

Lori Freeland, Awakenings

BEFORE:

I turned and marched up another flight of stairs.

The stairwell was silent behind me. I turned around again.

Rane hadn’t moved.

My notes:

BLUE – Okay. But what’s the visual? 

We’re missing the subtext. Missing the emotion. Missing the power.

AFTER:

The clomping behind me stopped. “You won’t like it.”

I climbed a few more stairs. “How many flippin’ stages are there?”

“Four and the third lets you download other people’s memories.”

I stumbled down the steps I’d just come up.

He caught me by the hips.

Even through my jeans, the burn of his hands slammed my stomach. I spun to face him. Had to grip the railing for balance. He was too close. Intimate close.

He gave me an I-told-you-so look.

I backed up a step, putting us more eye level, and tightened my fingers around the cold, metal rail. “As in, I double as a flash drive?”

“As in an Imax in your head.” He rested his foot on the step where I stood, leaned in, leaving zero personal space between us. “The memories will feel like you lived them. Complete with whatever baggage they bring.”

Kudos to Lori Freeland.

She added visuals. She empowered this passage with a look and a visceral reaction and proximity and fresh writing.

She gave the scene more emotion. More psychological power.

No surprise that judges are impressed with her writing. She’s won four writing contests.

Here’s another way writers sometimes TELL.

TELLING TAGS

I call the two or three words tacked on to the end of some sentences telling tags.

They often are “with” or “in” phrases like, “with a thud,” or “in anger.”

Consider this sentence:

Brad Pitt kicked the cement wall in anger.

In context, the reader would know his emotion. It’s probably frustration or anger.  No need to label the emotion for the reader.

Brad Pitt kicked the cement wall.

Sometimes the writer SHOWS AND TELLS.  If the emotion is ambiguous, include the label. If it’s obvious, nix the label.

You’ve probably read these lines:

• His eyes opened wide in surprise.
• He slammed his fist on the table in frustration.
• Worry lines around her eyes deepened with disapproval.
• He stomped out of the room in anger.

Sometimes writers avoid the Telling Tags at the end, and put the label at the beginning of the sentence.

• Depressed, her shoulders slumped.
• Irritated, he slammed the door.
• Emotional, she wiped her tears.
• Shocked, he opened his mouth, closed it.

We usually don’t need Telling Tags.

Some writers fall into a pattern of using them. It’s easy to nix them. Easy to break that pattern.

What Emotion is Behind the Visual?

Sometimes writers can create an opportunity to write the emotion behind a visual. When they do it right, it’s a natural flow. No speed bumps.

Laura Drake is one of those authors who weaves emotion into her scenes so smoothly, you don’t see it coming until it squeezes your heart.

Laura Drake is also a multi-Margie-grad, and an Immersion grad.

Laura Drake, The Sweet Spot

The POV character is in the cereal aisle of the grocery.

Scanning the boxes of cereal, her gaze snagged on Benje’s favorite brand. Her fingers tightened on the cart handle. How dare it still be here when he wasn’t?

She’d gotten pretty good at steeling herself against these little jabs to the heart, small wounds that drained her if she didn’t avoid minefields like the toy section, or the kid’s clothing department. But how do you shield your heart from Count Chocula? Her finger traced the cartoon vampire on the box, then made herself move on. If someone found her sobbing over a box of cereal they’d probably haul her away. Clean up on aisle six! Lord, she wanted a pill so badly her skin crawled. Surely she’d earned it today.

What did Laura do?

She used a visual, a box of cereal, as a trigger for emotion. She gave us visuals. She amplified. She added power words. She included a short visceral hit. She used humor, and angst.

She put me in that cereal aisle. I felt her character’s pain.

FYI: THE SWEET SPOT will be released May 28^th.

BLOG GUESTS:

At the end of every paragraph, ask yourself, “What’s the visual? How could I make that paragraph carry more psychological power?

If you’d like to read more stellar examples and my deep edit analyses, check out the Pubbed Margie-Grad Blog on my web site.

Check out my lecture packets and online courses too. I’m teaching two new classes this year:

This month: A Deep Editing Guide to Make Your Openings Pop

In August:  Visceral Rules: Beyond Hammering Hearts

The lecture packet for the Make Openings Pop course will be available in June.

NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

Post a comment and you could win an online course from Lawson Writer’s Academy!

The winner will be announced Sunday evening on this blog.

BRENDA NOVAK’S DIABETES AUCTION!

NYT Bestseller, Brenda Novak, donates an amazing chunk of her life to fundraising for diabetes research. She selflessly gives months of her energy, creativity, and what would have been writing time and family time to her diabetes auction.

Margie’s Donations:

1. A Year of Lawson Writer’s Academy Courses

2. A 25 page Triple Pass Deep Edit Critique

3. Immersion Master Class Donation Package!  Registration for 4-day Immersion class. Lodging in Margie’s guest room. TWO BONUS DAYS after Immersion class ends.  Margie deep edits your WIP with you for three hours on each bonus day. Total Value: $1500!

THE DIABETES AUCTION runs May 1ST to May 31ST. Tour the Diabetes Auction site: http://brendanovak.auctionanything.com

Writers In The Storm is pleased to welcome Big Al, our first reviewer!

Looking at the posts on the Writers In The Storm Blog and reading the bios of the contributors I was reminded of one of my favorite things to say about what I do: “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, review.”

I know, not very original, which is at least part of the reason why I’m not an author.

Assuming this blog’s readers are as accomplished and varied as the contributors, what could I have to say of value? I was told that I’m the first reviewer to guest post here, which means the range of subjects should be wide open, right? The request even included a few ideas. Rather than say a lot about one thing, I decided to say a little on two subjects, the world of book reviewing in general and how to increase your chances of getting your book reviewed.

Today’s book blogger isn’t yesterday’s book reviewer

No matter how your book gets published, unless your last name is Patterson, Roberts, or Grisham, a review of your book in a big daily newspaper or somewhere like People magazine is becoming harder to come by as book review sections are shrinking and even being dropped. However, thousands of people, just like me, are filling the gap. Some differences are obvious (I’m not aware of any book review blog with the readership of the New York Times). Some might not be.

The biggest difference I see is that we aren’t normally professionals. I don’t mean our blogs aren’t run in a professional way (I think most try) or that we make just a trivial amount of money for our efforts (although that is reality for most). But the typical newspaper or magazine review was written by a fellow author or at least someone who was a professional writer. Today’s book blogger, while sometimes an author or a wannabe, is more likely to be an avid reader who can manage to string enough words together to write a review.

What that means is that he or she is more likely to approach the review as a reader, not an author. The concerns of one are not necessarily going to be the same as the other. Issues of technique, symbolism, and deeper meaning may take a back seat to the important questions of “did I like these characters?” and “was I entertained.” Look at any of the bestselling authors that many of your peers look down their nose at - Stephanie Meyers, James Patterson, and Dan Brown all come to mind as possibilities - and look at the number of books they’ve sold. They may not appeal to authors, but they do to many readers.

Think of it as amplified word of mouth

While a review from a newspaper or magazine has a large potential audience, a majority of that audience isn’t a likely reader of your book. In fact, a lot of that audience rarely reads books at all. A review from a book blogger has a smaller audience, but that audience is always going to consist of readers. The more specialized the blog, the more likely those readers will be your target audience.

I like to view a book blog as more like word of mouth, only amplified. And word of mouth is one of the best ways for readers to become aware of your book. One recent example of what readers talking to each other can do for a book is Hugh Howey’s Wool that hit the top of the bestseller lists fueled almost exclusively by word of mouth.

It’s a numbers game

Getting a review from any particular book blog isn’t going to make or break your marketing efforts. Few book blogs are going to give your book the boost that a review from The New York Times Review of Books or Publisher’s Weekly would do. Getting reviews from book blogs is a numbers game. No individual can possibly review all the books that are queried or submitted. But the more bloggers you approach, the more reviews you’ll get to help build word of mouth.

Do your homework

However, I have some hints to help you tip the scales in your favor and increase the chances of getting reviewed by any particular blog. These hints fall into two categories, do your homework and follow the recipe.

Homework involves doing some minimal research on the blogs you approach. Do they have a specialty and, if so, how well does your book fit? Even if the blog says it reviews all genres, if they’ve never reviewed erotica or Christian Fiction, your book probably isn’t going to be their first.

There are tens of thousands of book blogs to choose from. One way to quickly find those most likely to be a good fit is to find a directory of blogs in your genre or other niche. Google “YA Book blog directory” and you’ll find this directory (http://yabookblogdirectory.blogspot.com/) of over 1,300 blogs that specialize in reviewing Young Adult books. Doing the same search on “indie book blog list” you’ll find The IndieView  http://www.theindieview.com/  (a site I happen to run) that has a database of several hundred book blogs that are open to reviewing “indie books” (those that are self-published or published by small presses) with details on genre preferences and links to the site. Any search with your genre, “book blog” and a word like directory, list, or database as search terms will uncover multiple lists.

Just like baking a cake

Once you’ve found a good candidate, a blog that seems to like and review books such as yours, the single biggest thing you can do to increase your odds of getting a review from that blog is, just like baking a cake, follow the recipe or instructions on their submission or contact page. If the instructions say to query first with specific information, don’t send them an electronic copy of your book or neglect to give the information requested. If the blog’s submission instructions indicate to send an electronic copy of your book in a specific format, don’t query first or send an electronic version in a different format. Either of these are likely to result in your request being deleted or filed in the “don’t bother” folder

Now Build that Word of Mouth

Although it may seem too simple, by doing your homework to identify those book blogs that are a good fit before approaching them and following directions, you’ll put yourself ahead of a large percentage of your peers. Now it’s time to go give word of mouth a jump start. Good luck.

About BigAl

An avid reader for just shy of half a century, BigAl (who claims not to have a last name) spends the majority of his waking hours sitting at the computer. After working his day job (in front of the computer) his evenings are spent scheduling posts for The IndieView and thinking how happy he is to have never had the urge to become a writer. Then he’ll write reviews for his book review site, BigAl’s Books and Pals http://booksandpals.blogspot.com//, or work on his next post for Indies Unlimited http://www.indiesunlimited.com/ (a website for the indie author and those who read them). Those times BigAl manages to escape the computer are usually spent hanging out with his four grandchildren.

NOTE: Thank you to everyone who commented on the two-part blog by Jane Porter. Congratulations to lrtrovi who's the winner of Jane's "goodie bag."

This is Part Four is a five-part series on the science of why (and how) we fall in love based on a four-day workshop Fae Rowen attended on Attachment Styles. In case you missed any of the information, you can access Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3 by clicking on the links. Part Five (on Monday, June 24) will tie all the styles together and throw in current brain research tips that will help you create characters with believable emotions and actions--characters that your readers are hard-wired to fall in love with.

by Fae Rowen

Today we'll look at the fourth and final attachment style, the Disoriented/Disorganized Style. Don't be fooled by the name. Remember that your character's attachment style results from the parent's behavior. As an infant and toddler, this child survived interactions with the caregiver that were chaotic, frightening, and disorienting.

This child will run toward, then abruptly run away, from the caregiver. The child needs the parent but, at the same time, feels unsafe with him. S/he may run in circle, fall down for no apparent reason, rock back and forth, hit her head against a wall, exhibit trance-like states, or avert his gaze when the parent returns.

The parent's communication to the child contains "double binds" like "come here, go away" messages that present the child with an unsolvable problem. They give conflicting signals that make no sense to the child. Communication with a disturbing lack of clarity sets the child up for predictable failure. When the parent is internally triggered into sudden shifts of extreme states without reference to the child's signals, the child's world becomes dangerous and confusing.

As a result, the child cannot use the caregiver to soothe, because the caregiver is the source of the fear. Secure Attachment is designed around safety for the child. But when the child experiences physical, emotional or sexual abuse, a dis-attached/disorganized attachment style is developed.

Your Disoriented/Disorganized Attachment character is particularly well-suited as a protagonist in a suspense or mystery. Because of their childhood issues, they are particularly sympathetic to readers even before their entire backstory is revealed. Unfortunately, many readers will personally identify with the adult characteristics of this attachment style.

Unlike the other attachment styles, this character has minimal possibility of the flight or fight response. S/he tends to freeze into trance-like stillness and dissociate as a survival mechanism.

Possible Ramifications in Adult Relationships

• Social difficulties
• Attention deficits
• Lack of coherence
• May become aggressive with others or exhibit a controlling style due to danger experienced with out-of-control caregiver
• Unsolvable paradoxes lead to overwhelming feelings most of the time
• Cannot solve problems
• May use the present tense to describe the past
• May have prolonged pauses in speech
• Has the greatest risk of psychiatric disorders
• May experience panic or rage when getting close to another in relationship
• Can experience extreme shifts of mood
• Easily triggered into frustration, fear, or despair when circumstances are unclear
• Inner chaos and turmoil brings a higher level of self-absorption
• Wants relationship deeply, but fears relationship will be dangerous
• May not experience the feeling of true protection even when it is available
• May stay in an abusive or non-supportive relationship because they have not developed "good radar" for danger
• Due to the amount of fear from relational trauma, they are easily triggered by partner to set off intense survival urges
• Flight/fight urges make it difficult to stay and calmly resolve conflicts using effective skills
• May ignore early signals of inappropriate language, touch or behavior and discount any "bad vibes" they have

How can this character heal? It seems not only unlikely, but impossible. Not true. Those with a Disoriented/Disorganized Attachment Style can develop a Secure Attachment Style. The following "repair" messages can be verbally or non-verbally conveyed to build the security necessary for a secure attachment to form.

• I am sorry I scared you.
• Let's all calm down and talk.
• I will protect you and stand up for you.
• I will be your safe haven.
• You can trust me to be here for you and to keep you safe from the world.
• You can trust me to keep you safe within our relationship.
• I will repair the relationship when disruptions happen.
• I am paying attention to you and what you need.
• Let me give you clear directions.

A competent protector is particularly important to this character, hence the woman-in-danger protected by a Navy Seal or a detective. The black moment will be when your character disbelieves one of the repair messages she's been given.

Of course, male characters can have this style. They may have developed their "competent protectors" as a child from movies or books or pets. They use clarity to decrease states of confusion. They may be what we'd call "adrenaline junkies" and need danger--or drama-- consistently in their lives. Of course, female characters with Disoriented styles can do all of these things, too.

The key is that this character must separate their attachment style from their heightened survival instinct. As their partner assists in this endeavor to return to a Secure Attachment Style, the process of the two of them falling in love will connect with your reader at a much deeper level, because we all know people with this style.

Do you have a character that can be enhanced with this information? How can you use these traits to ramp up your black moment?

Join Fae on Monday, June 24, when she concludes this series. Oh, early next month she's taking the workshop again to pick up more tips. She'll be passing those on in Part Five.